my way to the hospital, I was tightly bound by a ball of invisible air. In my impression, I went up countless steps, turned countless turns, and passed by many doctors in white coats. Only when I saw my mother in a messy ward.
She walked towards me first, completely speechless, and pressed her hands towards the sides of my arms. Seeing that I was about to soften, I bent my knees and tried to hold her with enough strength, but her body was so heavy that I couldn’t hold it at all.
Seeing her as if she was getting old overnight, tears welled up in my eyes. Many people came to help her, and I floated to one side with both hands empty, over her tousled hair, and I saw my father.
Time is frozen at that moment. At this moment, he was in the softest state, completely at the mercy of others. All the pride, nobleness, shyness, and bad sociability, all with him, quietly covered under this white sheet that is far from white.
It seems that I and him have never got along well and gently, so that for many years, I have always called him “that person” in my heart full of indifference and resistance.
He is a middle school teacher in a small county. Many times, I saw him sitting in the office and climbing the grid seriously. When I was in the third year of junior high school, I suddenly realized that if I didn’t study well, I would stay on this loess slope forever. With such thoughts and an urgent desire to stay away from him, I started studying seriously, and later admitted to the city high school.
It takes a few hours to take a long-distance bus ride from my home to the city high school. That was the first time I left home.
Because of motion sickness, I sit by the window every time I take the car, so that I can open the window to blow the air at any time or deal with sudden vomiting. I looked across the empty and messy moat. It was my house diagonally across from me. I subconsciously looked towards the back of the car—ah, it was him.
He waved at me desperately, screaming for something while running, while the car was slowly moving. I tried to respond to him, so I waved desperately to tell him not to run, and told him “I got it.”
When I went out and waved to him, he waved more desperately. I suddenly understood that he was telling me that the side I was sitting on was the side of the car. He was worried that I would suddenly probe outside the car because of motion sickness, so he ran over to me and said, no matter what, don’t put your head on the side of the car. Arm stretched out.
However, where he could catch up with the car, he was thrown far away in an instant, until only one white spot remained. I turned my head and sat down. There were so many people in the car looking at me. I was embarrassed and uncomfortable, and I started to cry all of a sudden. Except for trying to suppress a sound, the whole body couldn’t stop shaking.
At that time he was already a little fat, sweat made the white shirt on his chest wet a large area, his whole face was red from running and the heat, mud spots were splashed on the trouser legs, and one leather shoe was completely wrapped in wet mud. live. He is such a face-saving person.
I cried harder while thinking about this. He chased me for about an hour, but only waved his hand to communicate with me for 30 seconds.
At the end of the college entrance examination, I took a score that he was proud of. That was probably the happiest period of his life. In September, he sent me to Beijing to report. This is the first time I have been so far away as my father.
The train to Beijing is still green with hard seats. He and I never thought about buying a sleeper. The sum of the money for two people to buy a sleeper is a lot of money.
On the train, I was always pushed to wake up by him when I was asleep. He whispered in my ear: “I’m in Yulin.” After a while, I was pushed awake again, “Out of Shaanxi.” Or suddenly I was pushed to wake up from
time to time , “Look out of the window.” Every time I wake up, I murmured and looked up and looked out the window. It was probably because of the motion sickness medicine that my sleepiness was overwhelming. Every time I look at it, the sky and scenery have new changes, and I just glanced at it, then lowered my head to sleep.
After a while, I finally woke up. He whispered to me: “Look at the kid next to you. You can learn from others.” I raised my head and looked at it from the corner of the eye. It turned out that we were sitting diagonally across from a girl who was about the same age as me. Neat, with a ponytail, looks decent and generous.
At that time, I was so shy, even if I was named in class, I would be flushed instantly, and even my neck would be flushed. This blushing is not at all whether I will or will not respond to the question being asked, but just speaking in public. This kind of attention-grabbing speech made me tremble with nervousness.
Later, I really became what he hoped. I went to a good university, entered a good company, worked with people from all over the world, and gave a speech at a conference of hundreds of people. When I see anyone, I no longer tremble with tension. However, at that time he could no longer see, he could not see that I had grown into a decent person.
The train turned a few caves, passed a few rivers, and passed through uninhabited wild mountains and ridges. In uninhabited places, the color of the river is so deep that it merges with the plants on both sides of the river, and the boundaries are indistinguishable. As time flies, we are out of the hills and finally to the plains.
I looked back at him, it was an expression I had never seen before. It was not at all the face of a middle-aged man after being consumed by life, but an expression completely still outside of time. The eyes seemed to be hollow, but they were shining strangely. After so many years, I dreamed of that train, and his eyes were still the most glorious scene.
was night when I entered the boundary of Beijing. I fell asleep in the car and was pushed awake by him. “I’m in Beijing, open your eyes and take a look.” His voice was low.
I looked out of the car, it looked like four or five in the morning, it was very bright outside and it looked so quiet. There were street lights everywhere, and we stopped by a wide road, surrounded by surrounding buildings. I asked him, “What a luxury, there is no one on the road, why are there so many lights on?”
Maybe it was amused by my question, maybe it was the joy that I couldn’t conceal, his whole face kept rising. . “We are in Beijing!” He said with a smile. I nodded vigorously.
He took me to the school to complete the formalities, and went around Beijing on his own. After only staying for two days, he went back. In the middle, he called me and said: “It only costs one yuan to take the bus. I took a round and turned around in front of Tiananmen Square.” I asked him, “Have you been to other places?” He said, “No, get off. Come to Beijing again and get better and better.”
Until my sophomore winter and summer vacation home, I can still hear him recalling what he saw and heard in Beijing with relish and unfulfilled meaning. He lay on the sofa in summer, or sitting by the fire in winter, and said how big is Beijing, how high the building is, how wide the road is, and how dense the vehicles are. When he was happy, he said: “It’s not practical to stay in Beijing. You have to spend money wherever you go.” Finally, he said, “After Qingqing graduates and earns money, our family will go to Beijing to see.” When speaking, he Laughed from ear to ear.
In fact, two years later, after I graduated from university, I did take my mother to Beijing to live for a while. I did what he wanted me to do. But beside me, there is only my mother.
The last time I spoke to him was April 1st a few years ago, and even this date was mocking. At noon that day, he called and we didn’t speak at first. After a few seconds, he asked me: “Have you eaten? How are you doing?” There was a strong smile in his tone.
I said on the phone: “Well, I’ve eaten it. I’m fine. The graduation thesis is a bit busy.” He said, “That’s good. You usually pay more attention to your body. Just say if you need money.”
The call continued. It took less than 30 seconds, but it was the last time I heard his voice in my life. In fact, at noon that day I was watching a movie while having lunch, hung up the phone in a hurry, went to dinner, and then watched the movie.
He finished calling me on April 1, and fell to the ground with a brain hemorrhage after coming home from get off work on April 2, and never opened his eyes again.
A few days after his death, I gathered up the relics at home and saw that a large pile of manuscripts that he had revised and changed before lying on the table was still nowhere to be published.
In the car leaving home, I still habitually sit by the window. The car drove across the moat. I remembered his figure chasing me in the back of the car. I couldn’t help but look back. The road was empty.
And I also know that no matter how I chase, I can never catch him again.