Recently looked at an emotional program, the couple in the program scene noise, guests numerous disturbances, said to his wife: you are doing so is idle, give birth to a child, keep you do not quarreled.
Do not blame!
I took over the derailment case, the derailment during pregnancy, the birth of the child, the child after birth derailment, accounting for the vast majority.
The child is a catalyst, it is already a problem of marriage, is to speed up the death of the death knell; for the quality of the test can withstand the marriage, is to enhance the feelings of the adhesive.
The arrival of the child, like a small company into a large group, to make a structural adjustment of marriage, involving all aspects of change, which will affect the interests of all parties, once the conflict of interest, how to adjust?
Adjustment is unfavorable, there will be contradictions, long-term can not solve the contradiction, it will lead to emotional consumption, that is, negative emotional assets. Emotional bank deposits continue to depreciate, gains and losses began to imbalance, marriage entered a vicious circle of the collapse of the trip.
Give a chestnut:
Her husband likes to play, every Saturday and buddies will play drinking McCain mountain, such a Happy day, with the arrival of the child declared the end;
Wife for the children, sacrifice the cause, intended to take home at home for 3 years, from the feeling of living in the island, looking at the cause of the girlfriend on the meteoric rise, and your boyfriend you Lennon Lennon, moisturizing and Happy, they are unkempt, …
Needless to say, the arrival of the child, but also means that our native family can so incumbent to intervene in our small family, the two world into a world of five or even seven people, mother-in-law contradictory sudden, Weng son conflict …
Is fighting for your little home, or for the original family fight?
Children of the way, men and women are different; the choice of the principle of the child, the couple is different; the child’s pro-distant, small couple is more defined: his wife always feel that her husband is not responsible, her husband always feel his wife over-maintenance … … really pull And move the whole body.
If you only “letting ruthless” that three strokes, I can clearly tell you that your relationship must be “dead”. Modern society, will not cooperate with the couple, only patience or quarrel of the couple, will eventually play finished.
Especially women will be a bit of grievances: are women, why I want to be forced with a “Filipino” like, other women but fuck “goddess”, “queen” to live? I used to be the goddess of the eyes of others!
I have to think about two things: how are you born? Are you raw?
Why do you have two births?
If you have children in this matter have bad motives, do not expect the child will not be your marriage time bomb.
What is bad motivation?
If not born, then I live as a woman white.
Maybe a child can save the marriage.
Maybe children can make men more responsible.
A child more lonely, a child companion it.
The first child is a boy, I do not like, I want to have a girl!
Gave birth to a child, my mother her mother will not force me, the world peace.
If I am not born, do a woman on the white live
Everyone in the choice of a problem encountered: according to the standards of others live, or live according to their own standards? Before Xu Jinglei and Jiang Fangzhou made a program caused by hot, in fact, these two standards of the dispute.
The first kind of living law: the advantage is that you do not have to brain, just follow a woman’s life line map live just fine: find a good husband, a good boy, to ensure that he does not derail, or as long as no divorce – your life Even if no “white live”.
But the price may be: you better not have a self.
Jiang Fangzhou’s pain is that she has self, but must live according to social standards, will become very “screw Pakistan”: I want to get married before the age of 25, 30 years old before the children, the rest of the child to take care of the child, Let her husband obediently obedient. But I did not play enough, I do not like “suitable for marriage” husband, I do not like to bring children … … how to do?
Even if you do all the social standards require you to do, and then suddenly found that everything is ready to only the east wind – you only for others to do wedding dress, but never live for themselves.
The second kind of living law: completely ignore the social standards. “You are talking about shit, I do not care about you, how much I live in my little world.” They try to make themselves into a “goddess” that does not eat earthly fireworks.
But there is a price – less some of the world after the fireworks, life somewhat empty, once lost the soap bubble of the blessing, they will fall miserable.
The best option is that we live in the world, we can in the social standards and self-standard to find a balance between.
All the pain is because of the paranoid side, do not believe you try to use the golden chicken from the way to walk, you know, live too limited, how painful.
A child can save a marriage? Can make men more responsible?
This idea is like, a person was hungry, you think let him do more live, he will eat – so ridiculous logic, why would someone believe?
We all want to take advantage of, want to solve the most trouble-free problem, but often we will therefore fall into a more troublesome world.
If your relationship is a problem, giving birth to two consequences:
▶ A man loves a child and will be better off for you, or do not want to divorce.
Do not think that this is the gospel to you. Although the child is a piece of meat out of your body, but soon you will find that the child is a child, you are you, men like children, but may not like you.
Because he will feel this family is attractive, there are repulsive force. Originally he wanted to divorce, the result because the child he is more entangled, and increasingly think you are a cumbersome, but because of feeling to be fetters, you have greater hatred. You keep a man, but increased the resentment.
There is also a side effect: the child becomes the hostage of your relationship.
If you do not have children, you do not have your marriage, the child has become a means of balancing your husband, which will allow children to bear the burden you can not afford, the child will have to sacrifice self-development, to fulfill your life.
How many children for the parents of the marriage broken heart, and even after adult life in the parents of the world, life struggling in pain – this example I see too much.
▶ Men do not like children, are worse for you, and even want to divorce.
This may be even worse because no one has benefited.
In the consultation I asked: when the child was born, her husband agreed?
The woman often said: he began to disagree, and later reluctantly agreed.
What is reluctant to agree? How did you persuade him?
I hope that you have a child, you can go home, I hope you can be more responsible for some; I am afraid that older children will have children and the impact on my body … …
Have you ever asked why he did not agree?
Said he said he had too many children.
Finally the man will compromise: if you have to be born with you.
This sentence is a trap, and later because the child out of contradiction, the man can be a pair of hands: you have to be born, I just with you.
At this time, the biggest problem of husband and wife exposed: men fear of conflict, contrary to the consent of the reality of a variety of “non-violent non-cooperative movement”; women because of narcissism ignore each other, that men do not firmly opposed to agree, retreat is tolerance, Endure is love. In fact, men use a variety of “passive attack” (negligence, perfunctory) to resist his wife’s “order.”
So the two sides into the “wife constantly asked, her husband secretly destroyed” vicious circle.
There is no better than the children can reflect the two sides of this “rivalry” of the field. Because it seems unrelated to the couple’s feelings, but can be in the name of the child to carry out all kinds of confrontation.
So, the children live in the fire of their parents, TA will think that their birth is the curse of their parents, maybe they do not exist, the parents will be better than some days.
Silly child, you do not exist, their days will be more difficult.
Have children, and no one else forced me
Such a person has not been associated with the original family, which is the so-called “co-existence” state: If a person in the past growth process, must be sacrificed self-development to complete a family’s success, then he grew up , It will be difficult to a “complete self” to face the world.
For her, the needs of others must be higher than their own needs. Even if the TA may be very clear that he is not so keen to have children, but driven by others, TA or will become someone else’s reproductive tools.
A child can not decide his own future, if a person in adulthood in a close relationship or a child, then her future challenge is that she must bear a burden she can not afford.
Many women are afraid of divorce, even if the marriage has been meaningless, even after the divorce of her quality of life will be improved, but they are still afraid to lose her “widowed marriage”, “widowed marriage.”
Imagine, you put a 3-year-old child thrown in a strange place, TA will feel what. You will understand how a person’s inner world influences our choice of life.
Give the child a partner? Regenerate a favorite sex child?
These two women, are too “idealized” the children have this thing.
We all know that there are two kinds of companions in the world, a kind of physical level, a spiritual level. These two kinds of escort for the isolation of the former, the former temporary solution, the latter cure.
This is why we think that to find a partner will no longer alone, can be found after marriage, there is no spiritual level of companionship, even if day and night coexistence, the world’s most lonely moment than this.
Can brothers and sisters relieve such loneliness? It is like “with the relationship between husband and wife to solve our inner loneliness” as absurd. In fact, brothers and sisters between the tear, not more than between the husband and wife fighting less.
Moreover, why do we think that children will grow up after they will be lonely? Why can not a child have a happy marriage to deal with the invasion of loneliness?
You may have a lonely childhood, parents rarely in the side, had to grow in the absence of the world to grow up. Maybe then you start fantasy, if you can have a brother and sister, we do not have to live in the lonely state.
If so, it is not the child alone, but we are afraid of loneliness, this is not the child to overcome the life problems, but we have to overcome.
Because of the lack of self-development, we can not get in touch with the world, get friendship from this world. Because we had to live with our parents, we can only look forward to their parents.
But parents can not provide the satisfaction of self-growth needs, they may just focus on your study, or their own business, so our spiritual world lives on a desert. We hope to use the child to repair their own lost childhood, but also hope to use the child to repair the trauma of the self.
For example, you find that my mother did not treat you as a little princess, always put you as a little boy, you can not freely do a Jiao Jiao little girl, with his father hair whine, with Barbie doll and pink dress … …
So that a girl may be a better choice, you become an ideal mother, she became the ideal child, “so that perhaps my past hurt can be Huo Ran and more.
Maybe you have always regret that you are not a boy, has been living in the eyes of parents regret, maybe when you give birth to a boy, you can get the eyes of the joy of their parents, “I can put him as a gift to parents, The parents are sorry for the injury, I can not owe you.
Just how do kids do?
TA is born to face so many heavy themes, had to carry the burden of simply can not carry, to cure your marriage, cure your childhood trauma, and even cure your parents.
TA had to grow up like you, into an “adult child” or “child adult”, and then found in life, so many years, TA has not live for themselves
Say so much, nothing more than hope that we can see the life.
Everyone has a problem left by our previous generation. You choose to solve their own? Or let the children help you solve?
Choose their own solution, may be able to solve the marriage problem; choose to let the children solve their own problems can not be solved, often marriage will not be happy. Because marriage belongs to the ability of adults to the game.
What is the ability?
Have the ability, that is, you have time to think about life, not busy with children.
In fact, life is not so terrible, everything is too late, as long as you are willing to stop.
Stop, it is possible to really eat, wear warm, healing.
Stop to find that life is not as simple as you think.
Stop, you are the master of life, rather than pull the donkey.