Dear, there is no hail of bullets outside, please do not self – attack

There is a consultation, the other is a 20-year-old girl, looks very comfortable people.

She is very serious with me, said: “teacher, I think I look particularly good.I my skin is not good old pox, his eyes are big but no god, face too round too big with a cake like, legs still so Rough, and will not make – up, as long as others looked at me and I think the other side certainly think I am ugly.

I carefully looked at her for a moment, in any case can not put her that person, with the front of the girl equate.
After the consultation, I repeatedly think about her appearance of their own evaluation, suddenly remembered many years ago.

At that time I just started to do personal growth counseling practice, once do not know how to chat, just like the supervisor talked about the personal appearance.

I told the supervisor said: “I have always felt very ugly, myopia, small eyes, collapse nose, big mouth, poor skin, legs do not look good, the proportion of body is not good … …”

I breath blablablabla finished after their own also stunned: my God, my evaluation of their own is so poor and harsh. These evaluations did not want to want to fall into the brain are blurted out.

Supervision let me think about what parts of their own body is satisfied, I thought for a moment, is still helpless shook his head.
After a few weeks, arrived in the consulting room, the governor looked at me and said: “You are very beautiful today’s card, the whole person is also very spirit.” I was talking about the mouth, but my heart was thinking: This is certainly not true.


Not just the appearance, admit that they are good enough for many people is a very difficult thing.

When others show praise and appreciation, some people feel the anxiety and fear is far greater than joy and excitement.

Because they have a voice to remind yourself: TA is not true to me, so TA recognized the real time of my, certainly not so say.

G is such a person.

To pay a good boyfriend, but G always feel that he fancy, is his own family conditions, and their own in front of him to show the well-behaved and look like, and not like the real oneself.

Whenever a boyfriend expresses her liking, the first reaction in G ‘s mind is always “Please do not let your eyes open, how can i say you are so good.

With “I am not good enough” this belief, G effort to do a lot of things to please boyfriend:

Learn to do boyfriend like to eat the food;
In the boyfriend a month before the birth began to carefully prepared a gift;
Obviously they are too sleepy also insist on chatting with her boyfriend;
Boyfriend did not want to say a little like a thin sister, she opened a crazy weight loss model … …

There are similar circumstances there Zheng Shuang.

Usually understand the good girl image of her, in the participation of a file variety show, the father advised her not to deliberately lose weight, has been very thin.

She was out of control and crying: “If I become a big fat man, will the audience like me?”
For them, giving love is much easier than accepting love.

When others show good, they will not consciously limit their own to accept, in order to avoid and their negative understanding of the conflict.


Whether it is Zheng Shuang, G, counseling room girl, of course, including me, and perhaps also include you, there are such problems have a profound reason.

First to date back to the early and parents or one of the attachment relationship.

There are three attachment relationships in psychology:

Safe attachment:

This child is very comfortable with the attachment of the parents, the dependents are more willing to take the initiative to explore the new environment;

There will be some frustration when the dependents leave, but when they come back they will be very happy and can be calm soon.

Avoidance attachment:

These children are not interested in the dependents.

Although the dependents leave the room when they cry, but when the dependents come back they do not feel happy, always turned and cried to crawl.

Contradictory attachment:

These babies do not want to leave the dependents at first to explore the new environment.

Later, when the dependents leave, they will cry;

The dependents can not calm down when they come back;

But when the dependents want to get close to them, they show both contradictory and intimacy.

Those who think they are not good enough to form a avoidance attachment pattern in childhood.

In the process of interaction with parents, the need for attachment is not met in time, or the parents have taken a negative, blow, question, indifference and other treatment (think about whether your parents always remind you not to be proud to tell you where you look good To always pay attention to the image).

In adulthood, childhood unpleasant emotional experience to promote their simply shut themselves up, take the initiative to avoid each other’s show and love.

Second, it is based on the cultural context of social comparison.

In the traditional aesthetic standards, the thin is the United States.

Standard oriental beauty face is also mostly big eyes high nose white cherry mouth white skin.

Therefore, not only passers-by, including the stars are also invariably toward the aesthetic standards of this unremitting efforts, every three out of a time to change the face of the face of the apple is not common.

In terms of character, gentle, thoughtful, sensible, good to get along seems to get more people’s favor.

After these standards are internalized, many people in interpersonal relationships that show that will be more popular.

But also feel that their original character or appearance than social and cultural requirements of the ideal standard; on the one hand, in the pursuit of this idealized standards while strengthening it, and further produce their own negation.

How to change the “I am not good enough” cognitive?

Through the self-acceptance to enhance each other’s respect for us and love.

Increased self-acceptance capacity can reduce the pleasing behavior of “I am not good enough” to deal with different relationships in an equal perspective.

Face the praise of others, first in no hurry to deny and refuse, try to accept which you feel more in line with the part, slowly expand the generalization.

And so one day, others praise you praise your good time, your inner OS is “nonsense, I certainly know that my beauty is, you have vision”, then you have come out of self-denial, gradually accept the world And yourself.