Why do you fall into an interdependent love cycle? There is a psychological reason. Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, divided human consciousness into ” consciousness” and ” unconsciousness”. In terms of human heart, what one can realize is called consciousness, while what one cannot realize is called unconsciousness. Interdependence is a mechanism generated in the heart in an unconscious state. I know what I have done and why I have become like this, but it is very difficult to get out of this state. Therefore, in order to get rid of the interdependent love, the first step is to recognize the unconscious mechanism, which is very important. The unconscious mechanism behind the interdependence must be completely removed at the deep psychological level. To realize this, the reason must be found from the relationship between childhood and parents.
The feeling of love as a child
When we were born, our parents were like omniscient gods to us, providing us with food, safety, protection, love and so on, all of which we obey our parents. On the other hand, our parents also serve us like slaves. We cry when we are hungry, and our parents nurse us immediately. I cried when I urinated. My parents changed diapers and cleaned us quickly. If we still cry, our parents will try their best to coax us and keep us quiet by pleasing us. It can be said that our every move affects our parents’ hearts. In this period, in our heart of hearts, our parents are ourselves ( not only biological parents, even non-biological parents are also the same, they all take care of us as the center ). We do not realize that our parents and we are different individuals. When our desires are satisfied, everything is OK. There is no other’s perspective. The world exists for ourselves, and we are the whole world. This period is called ” narcissism stage”. A little bit bigger, we still want our parents to satisfy all of us. If we can’t get it, we still use ” crying” to fight. Then the parents’ attitude towards us also changed slowly. ” If you don’t obey, you can do it yourself, even if you cry”. At this time, we suddenly feel that the original parents and you are completely different individuals. This fact will be gradually recognized and accepted by us, and this will lead to the stage of ” separation” and ” independence”.
For children, this kind of ” separation” and ” independence” is the first big test of life, which is equal to the sudden collapse of the safety environment on which they originally depended. It is very important for the children’s future whether they can successfully surmount this stage of ” separation” and ” independence”. It is still difficult for parents to properly ask their children to face the problems themselves. While responding to the child’s request, the child should also realize that the parents are only the partners of the child. The child should face the outside world independently and must not stay in the inertia of relying on the parents. In this way, the balance between when to ” take over” and when to ” let go” is very important. If there is too much ” taking over”, the child will be over protected and will remain narcissistic forever. On the contrary, if ” letting go” is too much, the child will feel abandoned loneliness and self – denial, and the fear of separation will be too strong to take the first step.
Parents’ love may also hurt their children.
Have you heard the word ” toxic parents”? The concept was first put forward by famous American psychotherapist Susan Forward in her book Toxic Parents.
Some people may think that using the word ” poison” to describe parents is a bit too much, but there is a kind of parents whose actions have brought serious negative effects and injuries to their children’s future and life, but they are unaware of it. The word ” poison relatives” is very popular among some people and has become a fixed concept, which is understood and recognized by many people.
Susan Forward’s ” toxic parents” refer to those who are like gods, those who do not fulfill their obligations, those who are very controlling, those who are addicted to alcohol, those who have harsh words, those who have violence, and those in sex addiction. If you want to know the details of all kinds of ” poisoned parents”, you may as well read the book ” poisoned parents”. Due to the parents’ inappropriate words and deeds have caused serious impact on the children, the children will have a series of negative emotions and emotions such as ” guilt”, ” self – denial”, ” worthless” and ” despair”, which is an objective fact.
Even if they are separated from their parents, or even if their parents are gone, these negative emotions and feelings embedded in their hearts will still exist for a long time and will be difficult to eliminate in their whole lives. Children raised by ” toxic parents” generally have no sense of happiness, nor are they at ease in mind. Their abilities of self – knowledge, self-acceptance and self-affirmation are very low. It can be said that the psychological impact of ” toxic parents” on children is lifelong.
Everyone must go through the process of separation and independence from their parents. From this point of view alone, it is very difficult for children growing up around ” toxic parents” to achieve separation and independence smoothly. They often indulge in getting love from their parents or want to get love, and they will always maintain a high-intensity demand mode for love, with little courage and confidence to separate and independent from their parents.
Because they can’t get the support and security that parents should give from love, children will pray for more love and care from their parents, but from the deep heart’s core, they will bear grudges against their parents who don’t love, care or protect themselves. Such grudges sometimes develop to the level of hatred. Of course, they may not realize it so clearly.
At first glance, the excessive pampering of parents seems to give their children all-round love, but in fact, most of those love are dominative love with attached conditions. There is also a kind of parents only have love in their expectation of their children. When the expectation is gone, or the children do not meet their parents’ expectation, they will be coldly pushed away. This is still a kind of harm to the children. For these parents, when they are a little older, they will feel some problems from their children’s attitude towards them, but it is almost impossible to retrieve the ” lost love”. At this time, they will say to their children: At that time, there were some places that were not well taken care of, but no matter how to say it, the parents did their best, and the parents all over the world did not love their children! Life can’t be like a TV show, it’s all so reasonable and satisfying. He also stressed repeatedly that he did not know how hard he had worked, how many crimes he had suffered and how much suffering he had suffered in order to raise his child. He would always deny some doubts raised by the child. People who were deeply influenced by ” toxic parents” in their childhood were scolded by their parents every time they wanted to talk about their inner feelings. They were blocked by their parents’ very reasonable reasons and explanations, and finally they could only say nothing.
It is inevitable that people will leave their parents when they grow up, and then have their own contacts and spiritual separation from their parents. For those who are interdependent, they will always be influenced by their parents in the deep psychological aspect. Although they leave their parents on the surface, they do not need direct love or care from their parents. However, when they meet close people, especially lovers, they will regard lovers as their parents in their deep psychological aspect and want to make up for the love they did not get when they were children. This is a common kind of psychological compensation for people with love dependency.
Susan Forward wrote in another book, ” There is a disease called Obsessive Love”: For those who are dependent on love, lovers are ” symbolic parents” and in deep psychology lovers are agents of real parents ( I am unaware that in the process of love, I will play the role of a child as well as the role of a child’s own parents in front of lovers ). This is the reason why the interdependent person holds on to the lover tightly. To him or her, the lover is the parent, because being the parent, one must stick together tightly. Because they are parents, they cannot leave. Because they are parents, the psychological boundaries between the other party and themselves need not be so clear. Because they are parents, they cannot change so casually. It is precisely because I experienced the most painful and fearful thing when I was a child ( being hurt by my parents ) that I am most worried about going through this kind of disaster again. Therefore, even if I choose a very bad lover, I will never give up. Instead, I will try my best to endure and keep working hard. This is the psychological reason why the lovers who depend on each other tightly hold on to each other.