Sometimes you feel strange that you have always been loved. But in front of the person you like, you actually want to curl up and bury yourself in the soil like a grain of ginger.
As long as you think about it, you feel the sudden injustice and irreparable emptiness. Like some virus, it invades your body and eats away your abdominal cavity.
You feel empty, and anyone who shouts inside can echo.
A friend asked you, ” What kind of person do you like?”
” Talented, worthy. If it is still interesting, it will be fatal. “
How unfortunate, he is. As long as there is, it is a disaster, can’t escape. Before he appeared, you liked his articles first. Your proud and knowledgeable friend turned to his novel and said it was the most perfect story he had seen recently.
Then, you open it and look in at one breath.
It is extremely concise and full of aura, without oppression, encumbrance or flaunt of skills. Characters like walking through the honey of words, moving slowly, with slight golden luster.
So, I ordered a big praise in my heart: interesting!
But it’s just so.
You have never thought that the owner of this article, what will happen to you, will like a match, across your life, and then the flame will not extinguish for years.
An unannounced meeting. He sat there, unexpectedly beautiful, lip beauty let a person to extrapolate. After eating a meal with no special features, he said some unimportant words and made some jokes that were not funny. In that unusual beginning, you did not have any vigilance.
However, after separation, you suddenly became scared: it was over, as if it were going to be over.
You ruminate on every detail – every detail becomes a reading comprehension, from which you interpret various metaphors, hints and meanings.
You recall his face – his face has become a famous painting, every line has originality, and every layout is impeccable.
Your imagination and good will are like bricks and stones, laying out the steps of the temple. He sits on it and gets taller and taller.
You cannot speak because of deep-rooted self-doubt and instinctive inferiority caused by love.
You don’t think you deserve him.
Your anger, your unhappiness, your past and present have all become shame, and you feel that only a person with peerless appearance, elegance and purity is qualified to stay beside him.
You are like an inflated doll that has lost its breath. Contrary to normal human appearance, you have become listless and prone to humiliation.
He just kept dreaming, and in the dream, he divided, closed, encountered, bid farewell, repeated the sadness in the present situation, or turned into his lover.
Either way, you won’t be able to move when you wake up and your pillow is drenched. However, you dare not say anything. You eagerly searched for his information, his birth and growth, his joys and sorrows, the way he walked, the people he loved and the places he worked … You cut them off and put them in an album that can only be seen by yourself. The name of the photo album is Karl Kessner.
That is a story written by Borges.
Starting from the castle, an invincible army has conquered many countries on the east and west, seen strange beasts and monsters, climbed mountains and crossed deserts. although they have already seen kalkesona, they have never been able to reach …
You told a friend that you had a crush on someone.
The other party was shocked and said, is it wrong to express the passive sentence as the active sentence?
You’re right, it’s you. You even feel that your liking for him is also an insult to him. No exaggeration.
A friend went to spy on that person and later told you, no, he is not as perfect as you said. an ordinary person has both advantages and disadvantages. you need not deify him.
However, to you, his merits are all used to prove his excellence. His shortcomings can be understood and forgiven.
You firmly hold this illusion and do not give up. Do you think, compared to the empty, there is a person in the chest, can remind you more, you are still a complete person.
You opened a trumpet, uploaded his head and took his name. Talk to yourself. You said to yourself, ” Hi, XXX, how are you!” Your heartbeat is abnormal and your tears are pouring down.
After that, you often talk to that number.
You speak of yourself, of him, of life, of the future. Every word has been blistered by tender feelings. You have never been so gentle or so desperate.
You want to visit the small town where he was born, and you want to walk all over the road he walked. His city, in your opinion, has a unique light. A long time later, you were there too, but he left many years ago.
At dusk in early summer, you stood at the door of his old unit, with the sunshine scattered on it, the plants were silent and nobody was there.
Do you think that famous building is like a neat ruins.
One winter, you heard that he had a girlfriend. You refused to believe it at first, then you knew it was true.
When you lie in bed, you feel that you are beginning to sink, slowly but unstoppably.
Later, he broke up again. You are not so happy. You are afraid that he will feel sad and even hope that they will make up. As long as he is happy, the silent fish can be turned into foam at sea.
On one occasion, you saw an interview by Fang Li.
He said that he had had a secret crush twice in his life, once for 5 years and once for 26 years. Later, the heroine did not know. He loved her in silence for 26 years. Finally decided to end it, because once he woke up in a dream and there were no more tears. He felt it was time to put it down.
When you see here, you are full of pity and gratitude for this person.
He let you know that you are not alone.
He let you know that some love does not require return and interaction. Unconditional, one-way is one’s own feeling, one’s snow, one’s flame, one’s silent war.
And you begin to appreciate him, the person who is perfect in your imagination.
Because of this kind of looking up, all your things have changed.
You have the bottom line, shame and motivation to improve yourself. You work hard, you beautify, you keep fit, you carry that light with you and walk silently in ordinary years.
Later, along his journey, you also went to Tibet.
On the road, you can see pilgrims kowtowing, turning prayer wheels and making pilgrimages all the way.
They marched toward the holy city, suffering silently, marching alone and driving close to their gods.
Because that is the only direction in their lives, the only salvation that allows them to transcend themselves, the only call that cannot be defiled.
You suddenly feel that your unknown love for him is also a silent faith.
Do you think of Cangyang Jiacuo’s badly spread poem:
On that day, close one’s eyes in the fragrant fog of the temple, suddenly I heard your true words of chanting sutras. In that January, I turned all the sutras not to turn over, but to touch your fingertips. That year, I kowtowed and crawled on the mountain road, not for an audience but for your warmth. In that life, I changed from mountain to water to stupa, not to repair the afterlife, but to meet you on the way. ……
Do you think faith and love are so similar?
The same faith, the same sense of conversion, the same non – control, non – trading, non – preset, the same sacred illusion, the same humility and piety, the same kindness, hope and never-ending make us understand the shame of frivolousness, promiscuity and perfunctory, and also have the desire of cleanliness and everlasting.
The presence or absence of a deity and whether he loves you are actually not very important to believers.
Because, God is not verifiable, love is not considered.
In these two events, the role of the target will gradually weaken. In the final analysis, they are all the process of self – cultivation, detachment from limitations, search for meaning, and the answer to ” why are you alive?”
I still remember once, you saw a sentence on his microblog: ” We staggered through the night, you depend on me as if I were a cross.”
You froze for a while and then said in your heart:
” So, you don’t know me, but you are redeeming me!”