It’s all about the collapse of human facilities. Fans feel distressed and passers-by sigh.
Many people, like watching the scene of bustle, watched the gossip and stood on the moral high ground ready to comment.
Even somehow they feel much better than them, but what they think is not what they think.
Last week, Anna came to my consulting room and said she had cheated.
Anna is 32 years old, outstanding, self – disciplined, traditional, graduated from a prestigious school, has a successful career and has been married for five years.
She should be a typical representative of China’s outstanding and traditional women in our eyes.
To outsiders, her marriage with her husband is also a model marriage.
In short, it seems that Anna is absolutely impossible to cheat.
She came to me for advice because of guilt.
However, when she talked about the derailment process, she seemed to let nature take its course.
When talking about the derailment process, I found that Anna’s face changed from the rigid and serious feeling before and suddenly became vivid.
The story goes like this:
Anna and her girlfriend are traveling to Europe. In a pub in a small town in Austria, they met two men who were also traveling.
Foreign countries meet their compatriots, who are of the same age, have many common topics, and talk more, so they talked very speculatively that day.
Although very speculative, in fact, after talking, also forget about it, did not leave any contact information.
Coincidentally, a few days later, they met again in Italy.
Since we happened to meet again, several people met for dinner and chat at night.
It just happened naturally.
First of all, there must be an attraction between them, born of goodwill, interspersed between the two people’s languages, a very wonderful feeling is gradually coruscate, there is a puzzling tension between the two people close relationship.
This feeling makes Anna very happy.
Anna felt that what had vanished from her heart was gradually growing up.
At this moment, Anna certainly knows where the border is rationally.
However, because this deep-seated thing in her heart feels so wonderful that she naturally follows her instinctive direction and does not resist, allowing herself to enjoy this beautiful and vivid feeling.
In Anna’s words, it was a feeling of being alive.
Anna said here, I will feel that she is in the consultation room at the moment, more attractive, more lovely and more vivid than she used to be in the consultation room.
However, she used to say the right things in the consultation room, which made it impossible to find faults, but it was boring.
Anna was guilty on the one hand; On the other hand, she felt and admitted very clearly that the feeling that night was really beautiful and good. At that moment, she seemed to become very beautiful, lovely and powerful.
She wants to know why this is happening.
Anna said that in the process of chatting, their relationship quickly drew closer. After they talked for several hours, they felt that they had not only known each other for a few hours, but had known each other for a long time.
Anna said that at that time her mind could think nothing.
Also don’t want to think.
But I want to replace thinking with feeling.
This is a long-lost feeling.
When did this kind of feeling appear?
She and her husband had a relationship at the beginning.
This is a kind of attraction when two people start to contact each other, which makes people unable to stop.
This kind of feeling will cause her physiological reaction: her heart beats faster, her face blushes, she is very shy, and these are more attractive to the opposite sex.
This is an instinct.
And people should not fight against instinct.
What is the instinctive truth?
Psychodynamics holds that sex and aggression are the two primary forces of human beings.
Instinct is the greatest objective law.
Only by respecting your instinct can you live out your vitality.
We talked about nice people before.
Why don’t nice people like nice people?
Because nice people castrate their aggressiveness.
Because when your aggressiveness spreads out, you will form a demand for the world, which may affect the interests of others, and there may be conflicts.
However, only when you extend your aggressiveness can you have real contact with the world and experience the feeling of being truly alive.
You castrated your aggressiveness and decided to be a nice guy. Your whole person is lifeless and untrue.
No one wants to be with dead and unreal people.
This is offensive.
Another primary motive that is tied with aggressiveness is sex.
However, sex is a more difficult topic than aggression, especially in Chinese culture.
It is also more difficult to discuss.
Take this case for example.
When we saw this case, our first reaction was that it was a moral problem, not a psychological motivation problem.
As if, when public opinion is discussing Wu Xiubo’s infidelity, it is almost one-sided criticizing his personality or warning women to be sober and independent.
This is also why Anna did not choose to confide this problem to her friends, but chose to come to the psychological counseling room.
Because what modern people need is no longer a moral judgment, what truly intelligent people need is insight: the truth.
Sex is the basic need and motivation of people. If you can’t face up to this problem, you won’t be able to stretch and have vitality.
Sex is the basic motive force of human beings, which is actually well understood.
From a physiological point of view, people live to survive and reproduce.
Aggression ensures your survival.
And sex ensures your reproduction.
From a psychological point of view, what happened behind Anna’s infidelity.
First of all, Anna’s marriage seems to be a model marriage, but after five years of marriage, it has become as plain as water.
Two people are very busy with their work. Basically, they are both busy with their work, leaving early and returning late.
After a day’s work, it’s almost eight or nine o’clock when I return home. I seldom have dinner together. 80% of the time I turn on the TV and play with my cell phone on the sofa.
As far as many cases of intimate relationships I have received are concerned, the marriages of many people, especially those from middle age, all show an embarrassment of ” endless words”.
This is almost the norm.
Just a lot of people don’t say it.
Therefore, many people who do not talk about their marriage and who seem to have a good marriage often have the opposite.
Many people’s marriage quality is not high, but it seems to be good because there are realistic moral constraints.
” Sex” is an important indicator to measure the quality of marriage.
If, on the one hand, your ” sexual” needs in marriage cannot be met and released, on the other hand, due to moral constraints, your sexual needs cannot point outward, that is, you cannot cheat.
Therefore, the marriages of these people will show a ” lifeless” state that we often see.
We often see that many couples, especially after having children, have very poor relations and even do not live together.
Sleeping in different beds is a common occurrence. What’s more, they do not live together.
Many women, after having children, put all their attention on the children and then take their parents to form a relatively independent group and live independently.
The husband is just a tool for making money. Free from ” small groups”.
Many of my friends living in Beijing are ” separated”.
For example, Beijing is very large. The man works in Haidian, while the woman and her children and parents live in Daxing’s home and have a weekend reunion.
Is Beijing very big? Objectively, yes, but it is not necessary to be a ” weekend couple.”
Behind all these ” weekend couples” are ” discordant” factors that they are unwilling to admit.
In family relations, the relationship between husband and wife must be the cornerstone.
The second is your relationship with your parents in family of origin and your parent-child relationship with your children.
Such as the above situation, if the relationship between husband and wife is not good, it will also lead to many problems, such as ” widowed parenting” and so on, causing a series of problems.
Therefore, the quality of intimate relationships is very important.
Although the divorce rate is soaring today, most of us are still reluctant to divorce easily.
However, if you do not pay enough attention to the quality of your intimate relationship and your own needs, your marriage will remain in a very boring state.
Over time, there are two extremes:
First, the ” lifeless” intimate relationship and the problematic parent-child relationship, as discussed above;
Second, if you haven’t completely suppressed your instinct, when your sexual relationship can’t meet your needs, you certainly don’t want to cheat on your own initiative, but your physical and psychological needs will point to here.
Then, the occurrence of infidelity, will appear to let nature take its course, is almost a necessity.
Just like Anna, if the problem of ” sex” is not well settled and laid down, her needs will not be seen and met.
Needs that are not seen and met will point outward.
Cheating is not only a moral problem, but also a psychological motivation problem.
Of course we do not advocate cheating, but we must understand and respect human nature.
After we know that sex and aggression are the two primary forces of human beings:
First of all, we must face up to this problem.
Not to say that the problem is too hidden in our hearts, we can simply pretend that it does not exist.
Only when you dare to admit that you, as a ” person”, have the most original need for ” sex”, is this the starting point and the most basic consensus for us to discuss the topic of ” sex and intimate relationship”.
Secondly, it helps us to better manage our intimate relationships.
Only when we face up to this problem can we detect the cracks in a close relationship at an early stage and know what I need to do, instead of letting the relationship end with ” relationship death” or ” infidelity”.
It also helps us to understand an old topic: it takes a lot of homework to keep marriage and love fresh.
Only when we face up to this problem can we have insight into the problem at an earlier stage when problems arise in the intimate relationship between the two sexes.
So as to adopt effective ways and means to prevent the problem from developing in a worse direction, thus improving the quality of gender relations.
Only by taking care of our own needs and the needs of each other can we reap a more energetic, intimate and high-quality relationship between the two sexes.
Because, you always need an ideal intimate relationship to place your original motivation.
Only in this way can you gain a complete close relationship, a powerful you and a life of life.