People say that they have to live a life without regrets, but how can people live forever in their lives?
Oxford’s entry competition is fierce, and no one can successfully enroll in school with the permission of a professor. Admission notices can only be obtained through a rigorous formal selection process with the unanimous consent of a jury composed of relevant professional professors. I just received the admission application and I received a notice of rejection. Everything seems to be taken for granted.
Although they did not tell me the specific reasons for rejecting me, I know it well. Allowing more than half a hundred Asian women to enroll in school is not common even now. I thought that this farce was the time to end, but suddenly remembered a past event related to her daughter.
That was what happened after the daughter went to the UK to study in high school. One day, my daughter cried and called me to complain.
“Mom, my English is too bad. I can’t understand the teacher’s lectures, I can’t write homework, and the math scores are countdown. I don’t even have an appetite for dinner.”
Rather than saying that her daughter is angry and complaining, it is better to say that she wants to play with the mother who has not seen her for a long time. But I was dull at the time and didn’t realize it, so I didn’t comfort her. Looking back at the situation at the time, I still feel that my words and deeds are too strict.
“Since you feel too hard, I will buy you a ticket tomorrow, come back!”
When my daughter heard it, the meaning of this statement may be: “Do I force you to do something you hate? If the conditions at home are not good, it is better to come back and roll it.” In a strange country When the daughter heard this, she didn’t even have a friend who could talk.
“I will never go back. You and your father have worked hard to send me to the UK to study. I will definitely stick to it. I will eat well and have enough energy to learn!”
The daughter’s attitude changed by 180 degrees and she firmly rejected my suggestion. Since then, I have experienced the first time I have reached the heart of my daughter’s heart.
The next day, I regretted it and cried a lot. Because I received a call from my daughter’s boarding teacher, she told me that her daughter kept crying after talking to me yesterday. For my dull mother, the boarding teacher gave a pertinent suggestion.
“It’s hard to be awkward at first, I believe she will be with her silently, and it might be better.”
After the call, I felt embarrassed to the daughter, tears out of disappointment, the heart is unspeakable regret. I pray that my daughter can understand my mood and don’t blame me. Fortunately, the daughter’s depression was swept away by winning the Grand Prize for Fine Arts. As a result, the daughter has restored her confidence in learning, and her grades have improved. Finally, the daughter’s enthusiasm for focusing on the subjects she likes has also had a positive impact on the improvement of other disciplines. Although I occasionally joked with my daughter, “The reason why you have today is thanks to my strength at the time.” But in fact, this thing has always made me regret.
After the school was frustrated, I didn’t know why I remembered this past. Is it too disappointing to myself, because oneself is not as good as one percent of her daughter’s fighting spirit? Thinking of this, my heart rekindled my fighting spirit.
In my application for admission, I detailed my experience in teaching at a Korean university and working in a media-related job. I also went to Professor Acheson and asked her to be responsible for her own suggestions. It seems that she can only do it. Everything has been done, and I can regret it later when I think about it. I don’t know if my perseverance and tenacity will work in the UK. Although I feel that it may be a little difficult for me to study with young people in my age, considering that I have a wealth of practical and teaching experience, Oxford University finally passed my application for admission.
The innate enthusiasm and tenacity, although I am always grateful, sometimes it makes me miserable. Professor Acheson handed the acceptance letter to my hand and said:
“Sunny, I will always pay attention to you during this time. No matter what you do, you have to work harder than others. You can’t play anywhere. You have to devote yourself to learning, so be sure to remember.”
The daily schedule of the Oxford University students is an eye-opener. From morning to afternoon, there are detailed plans, reading 3-10 books a week, writing reports and articles related to personal research directions. Everything is carried out in an atmosphere of self-discipline, and occasionally there is a romantic campus love episode, but everyone will not be too distracted, still staying up late to study, research, and finish homework on time. The room with brightly lit nights in the dormitory is far more than the room where the lights are off on time. During the week, except in my own room and study room, it is difficult to see the students gather together in twos and threes. Even in the lounge, everyone talked about the topic related to homework to pass the time.
In fact, I am more accustomed to the role of a teacher than a student. After graduating from college, I stayed on as a teacher and later came to the UK with my husband and learned English. After returning to China, I obtained a master’s degree in English from the Graduate School of Xijiang University. In the 1990s, English lecturers were a scarce profession, so I was fortunate to teach at several universities as an English lecturer, and also participated in the shooting of the English Broadcasting and Television (EBS TV) English learning program. The English lecturer’s job was not only meaningful, but also a considerable income at the time.
But frankly, my English was not good at first. I still remember the first day I came to the UK. I couldn’t understand even the milk distributor. I criticized the English education in Korea. I have studied English for more than ten years in Korea, but I can’t understand even the simplest words. At that time, I was completely disappointed with myself. In the face of her husband’s mockery, I was ashamed and sad. “I am studying American English. Now I am not familiar with British English.” I replied to him as an excuse that I feel absurd. I even felt that I was suffering from English phobia. In the language training school, I became an introverted bystander unconsciously.
Finally, it can be said that the suffering of life has forced me to learn English. My husband suddenly became ill, and I had to face the economic and living difficulties alone. In addition, I have two young children to take care of. The worst case is that I need to take care of my sick husband for a long time to raise money and raise two children. I am deeply scared when I think of it.
If the husband is not cured for a long time, then I need to find at least one job, and my English level at the time is even a problem for my husband to buy medicine. This sense of urgency made me have to start learning English well. Not to mention that if I return to China immediately, I need to shoulder the burden of living at home, even if I want to buy a symptomatic medicine for my husband, I have to learn English well. Although at home I was the teacher who taught the children to learn Korean, but in the English writing class, I changed to a student again. I watched the teacher’s homework revised with a red pen. I couldn’t help but sigh. At that time, there was only one thought in my heart: “Don’t force yourself to do your best!” But my heart is still looking forward to learning English well.
When I think about learning English in the past, I am bent on pursuing faster and better, and I have not laid a solid foundation. I regret it. It’s like trying to get into college, focusing on how to get high scores and ignoring the learning itself. So this time I think backwards, I decided not to be obsessed with learning better, but to make a decision that I can regret a little less in the future when I think about it today. Sometimes, the second best thing is to do more with less. After I set myself up for myself to “do not force myself to do my best”, learning has grown by leaps and bounds. At that time, I thought that I would never study so hard in my life.
However, today I am facing the challenge of learning again at Oxford University. I can only say that life is really unpredictable. Although I am a little bit physically fit, I still stay up late. When I encountered something I didn’t understand, I ran to ask a professor who was younger than me. Every time I always throw a series of questions and wait for them to answer.
My friends in Korea have also suffered from me, because I can send them an email or call the international phone to ask East. I also accepted the comments made by the old public red pen. Confidence, which is already seriously inadequate, is almost empty. I thought: Competing with the young people in their early twenties, as long as there is not too much behind, I am satisfied. As time went by, several professors began to look at me differently because they didn’t expect much from me. I didn’t expect that I would be acting unexpectedly. Some professors even asked me why I studied so carefully.
“Just in what you can do, choose a thing that you can regret less in the future. Even if you don’t study.”
When I was teaching at Sanxian Middle School, the students asked me if I had to study. I gave this answer. In order to prove that I am not a teacher who only pays attention to rankings and scores, and obsessed with academic achievements, I am still young and speak of this rhetoric. Although this was what I did without thinking about it at the time, but now I can confidently affirm that this is not wrong. In the UK, I can learn English well because I have not set ambitious goals for myself. I don’t want more, just regret it a little later, this is my most real thought at the time.
Every node in life needs us to make choices, and countless choices build our lives. Is it time to learn Chinese or math? This is also a choice. Whenever we are, we always try our best to make the best choices, rack our brains to set a higher goal for others and find a better life path. But no matter how you choose, you will end up with regrets and regrets, because every choice is unfinished.
What we need to do is to make up for the regrets left in the last selection when we choose. Life is the process of growing up in this constant improvement. It’s better to think about what to do in order to make future regrets less, rather than regretting after choosing. It’s like the finishing touch for a perfect performance is often the details of the action. The reason why I started the learning journey in my 50s can not be attributed to the simple determination of “not too strong”.