Xu Wei is a storyteller, but he is not good at talking. If you ask three sentences, he may not be able to answer one sentence. Only when he talks about his parents, will he show a rare talk, especially when he talks about how his elderly parents are accompanying him to overcome depression. He is so wet that he should be the gentlest in his heart. The most vulnerable part? Don’t dare to mention it easily, and once it is mentioned, the truth is revealed, but it is moving.
The only thing that can’t be abandoned is the love and responsibility for parents.
Probably in 2003, I encountered a bottleneck in music creation. I was in a bad mood at the time. I didn’t want to listen to my own songs. I thought it was rubbish, but let me write a work that I am satisfied with. Can’t write it. That feeling is terrible, I feel that I may not be able to write any good works in my life.
Very depressed, don’t want to move, even brushing your teeth and washing things like this, don’t want to do it, lying on the sofa all day, sleepy, but can’t sleep at night when sleeping, squinting, watching the time quietly One second and one second, the feeling is maddening.
The most terrible thing is that my heart is closed every day, I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to communicate with anyone, including my wife. Sometimes, I feel that my heart is like an island in the moonlight, no one can walk in.
I began to think of death, and I think that for a creator, if the life of creation has ended, there is no value in living in this world. At that time, I lived on the fifth floor. One morning, I heard a voice vaguely saying to me: “You jump off the building. If you don’t jump, I will look down on you.” I got up and went to the balcony and climbed. It is dangerous to stand outside the window and stand on the outdoor unit of the air conditioner. At this moment, my wife came over and seized me. My wife sent me to the hospital. As a result, I was seriously depressed. My wife panicked and took my parents from Xi’an to Beijing. A very strange thing – I saw my parents, and the tears flowed down. You know, I haven’t shed tears for about two years before, and nothing can touch me. But when I saw my parents, my tears came out. It was like a rain, and it was sprinkled on my dry heart, flowing, and very comfortable. My mom saw me crying, and also cried with me, only my dad, still calm, said on the side: “Cry? You are cured, no big deal!” Mom and Dad are around, my The heart was relaxed and practical at first, and that night I rarely slept a good night.
However, the idea of suicide is still lingering in my heart. Looking at my parents, I can’t help but explain to them some things, such as where my passbook is placed, what the password is, and who I can look for if they are sick later. My mom heard me saying that I was going to cry and said, “You don’t want to tell me this, I don’t want to hear it.” And my dad is smoking without a word. It’s cruel to think about it now, how can I say this to my parents? How much pressure they have suffered at the time, I can’t understand it.
I have never given up the idea of suicide until one day, my mother chats with me, saying that in Xi’an, neighbors see my dad, they will say hello to him: “Your son is in Beijing, okay? There is such a promising son, you It’s a blessing.” My dad will nod his head and smile, and walk away from the envious eyes of the people. “If you are dead, my dad and I will not go back. We will be wandering in Beijing. Go back, meet the street neighborhood, ask our son how, what should we say?”
My mother’s words made me wake up all of a sudden. I suddenly thought: If I am dead, how can my parents explain this thing to those neighbors? Then the proud son suddenly disappears. This is for them. It’s a very difficult thing to say. I started to believe in my mother’s words – they won’t go back, spend the rest of their lives in Beijing, they will do it! So what kind of son am I! No parents have ever enjoyed it. What blessings, but let parents bear the fate of old-age wandering, I am still personal! I think about it, think before thinking, or three words: “can not die” – I have any qualifications to kill the old people like this pain Add to the parents who are over the ages? They can’t stand it.
Late that night, I got up, went to my father’s bed, squatted on the floor and said softly: “Dad, you believe me, I won’t commit suicide, I must live, give you a pension.” In the dark, The father reached out and patted me on the shoulder, saying nothing, but I was able to feel the trepidation of his fingertips.
Parents and me fight depression together
I am sick on my body, but my parents are suffering more than me. After a while, Dad asked for medical advice everywhere. Sometimes he knew where there was a lecture on treating depression. He would take a few cars to listen to it, and take notes carefully. When he came back, he would try to do it. Once, my father heard that night running can alleviate the symptoms of insomnia, and I took me to run every night. In the deep night, there was no one else on the street. Only my white-haired father was running with me around me. I could even hear his heavy gasping. After running, my father asked me to take a shower first, then urged me to go to bed, and he himself always said that he was not sleepy, sitting on the sofa watching TV, but after a while, he would quietly push open the door of my room. See if I am asleep. Later, my insomnia was cured, and my father began to lose sleep. He fell into a problem and had to run after he could sleep at night. Therefore, running every night became a reserved program for our father and son.
After I got depression, I didn’t want to see people, I didn’t want to touch the guitar, and I didn’t want to contact the outside world. Dad was very worried about this. He quietly took my phone book and called my friends to invite others. Come home to play. He doesn’t know the names on those phone books, which are my friends, and which are general, so they are often treated by others. However, some friends have come to see me after hearing about my situation from my father’s mouth.
When he came, he brought a car’s instrument, pulled all the people in his band, and sang in my living room. As soon as I got into the long-lost musical atmosphere, I got a goose bump. The old man put a guitar in my hand and said, “Brother, play together!” I played the guitar and heard the note. From the bottom of my hand, the tears could not be controlled at all, and I cried with a sullen face, as if there was a hard shell in my heart that was broken, some lost, but more relaxed… After that, the old man As long as I have time, I will bring his gang to come to my house to gather. Whenever this time, Dad will sit in a corner and look at us, the smile on the face is peaceful and satisfying.
The mother can’t help me, or if she doesn’t know what to do for her son, she will change the way to eat food for me. This is what she is best at. Every day, she has to say something that I loved when I was a child. While I was talking about my reaction, if I showed interest, she would try to do it for me. In order to ensure the freshness of the ingredients, she would not go home. At the door of the small vegetable market, I got up at 5 o’clock in the morning and went to the morning market far away from home. After the meal is done, my mother will come to my hand and watch my look carefully. If I eat very fragrant, she will be like a baby. I can’t keep my mouth all day. It seems that I can eat well. It is a reward for her greatness.
Once, I accidentally talked with my mother about the fact that Beijing’s peppers are not as authentic as their hometown. They are only spicy and not fragrant. As a result, the mother has taken the truth and immediately called the relatives of the hometown to help them buy it. come. I am afraid that the phone can’t tell, my mother, actually painted the pattern of the pepper on the paper in detail, and sent it to others by express mail. Really poor parents in the world!
In supervising my medication, my mother is really unambiguous. What medicine is full-bodied and what medicine is eaten before going to bed. She writes on paper one by one, and gives me the medicine on time every day. Let me eat. Several drugs, she never remembered to miss the time and quantity of medicine, but she is high blood pressure, but often forget to take medicine.
After my parents’ care and medication, my depression slowly recovered. The most direct performance is that I started to be interested in many things. For example, I would propose to go to the park for a picnic with my parents. I would like to invite friends to come to the house. When I eat, I will propose that my parents and I go to the movies together… I never thought about whether these things are really of interest to my parents, and for any of my proposals, my parents are holding their hands in favor – as long as the son is happy, how are they? Row!
Learn to embrace parents after 30 years old
I got a sickness, but it gave me time to get along with my parents. Over the years, I have been walking around the world with a guitar. I have never felt that parents are important people, and I have not spent any thoughts on them. It can be said to be a prodigal son. From small to large, I even have a lot of dissatisfaction with my parents. I feel that they don’t understand themselves, they don’t have the slightest artistic cells, and I don’t have a common language. I always think about how to get rid of them.
I remember when I was a teenager, I left home and went to Nanjing. I couldn’t find a job after a few days of mixing, and I came back in vain. It was an afternoon. There was no one in the family. I took the key and opened the door. Then I went to the kitchen and took the leftovers of the leftovers. When I finished, I fell asleep on the sofa. Vaguely, I felt that my dad came in, sat next to me, reached out and touched my face, and went into the house and took a blanket to cover me. I saw that my son who had been missing for a few days suddenly came back. I think my father must have mixed feelings in his heart, but when I woke up, he was still cold. We Chinese are like this, there are in my heart, but I can’t say it on my mouth, not good at expressing feelings.
I was sick this time and stayed with my parents for half a year. There are many opportunities to chat together. Parents love to remember, play with all the interesting things of my childhood, and say a lot of times are not tired. At the end of the day, the mother always added a meaningful sentence: “You can now be able to withstand it, it is also from my stomach, and it is my son.” The satisfaction and pride she said when she said this gave me a big shock. . In fact, every child is the glory of his parents, but the child can’t understand the heart of the old man. I find that when people are old, they become inferior. They worry that their children are bored and worry about their burden as children. Therefore, they I like this kind of memory, because this kind of memory will make them believe that this is indeed my blood, my child!
One day, I wrote songs in the study, I wrote very smoothly, and I was very happy, and I came to the living room. When I saw that Mom and Dad were watching TV, I gave them a big hug. When they were finished, Mom and Dad were still there. It may be the first time I hugged them after I was an adult. Their look is like being hit by a happy bullet. The whole person is dizzy. I remember that day until the evening, they talked a little incoherently, and my mother kept busy to hide my inner excitement, and when Dad was taking a shower in the bathroom, I actually heard him singing. Looking at them, I feel sad – my unintentional move has brought them such a huge sense of well-being.
After that, I often hugged them, kissed them, and they had this kind of skin contact. Later, they didn’t seem to be accustomed to my hugs and kisses. For example, when I was going out, my mother would send me to the door, naturally looking up, looking forward, I would kiss her face. She left with satisfaction. People are old and sometimes the same as children.
On the day when my parents returned to Xi’an, I sent them to the airport. When I came back, I opened the house and felt that my home was empty. But their atmosphere was still in every corner. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I started to cry when I sat on the sofa. . At that time, I made a small oath in my heart: From today, I will give my time, my love, to my parents, otherwise, I will regret it for a lifetime.
My parents are in Xi’an. I call them almost every day. I also chat with them online. I often buy them gifts and send them back. Many of my friends around me are very surprised to see me. They say, “You are very patient, you Don’t bother?” I don’t bother, really! I am more and more aware that many things I do may feel worthless after many years, but I am now convinced that every bit and every drop for my parents. Even if I think of it after many years, I will still feel very happy.