The truth about middle-aged infidelity

My relationship with those married men is difficult to describe with the word “just”, and I will not bother to name those relationships. In the years around London, I have maintained a more casual relationship with different men, married men. What I want to say is that I have never been smug about it, but I have no regrets. I wrote down my own experiences and told them because I saw something from the men that was worth discussing and pondering, even if I did it, I would be condemned by the public – for example, I was recently in The New York Times. I was accused of talking about this, but I think it is worth it. I always wanted to know what the wives thought, their personal feelings, but what I heard was just the story of the husbands. We may have long wanted to talk about this issue, just as we would like to talk about it every year when we do annual inspections.

When I broke up with my husband who had been married for 23 years, I was a bit confused. But the time we lived together in the UK was only a little over a year, so I was not the kind of woman who fell into the siege of marriage, lost her shelter, and then seized various sympathy. When I registered on the dating sites Tinder and OkCupid, I bluntly said that I didn’t want to fall in love, just looking for a personal partner. A considerable part of the responses I received came from married men, some of whom were not headless, or had no face, or a casual smile. The key point is that they first contacted me and I responded. Of course, my failure to take the initiative does not mean that I am innocent in the whole matter. But I do appeal to married men, presumably because our original intentions coincide: we all want to enjoy love, but do not want to take this relationship seriously, we only want those hours of dew love.

Karin Jones is very interested in the story behind the married man she is dealing with.

When people’s emotional will can’t get rid of the instinct of the flesh, it is bound to go into danger. What I can understand is that they have families, wives and children, and mortgage loans. They must not take risks and take risks. For each other, we are the best choice for each other. At the same time, I was extra cautious when making choices. If I agree with a married man, he is best not to blame him for his loyalty and responsibility for family and marriage. He must convince me that he has no intention of leaving his wife and will not make any threat to the family. The move.

From the inside, they are loyal to their wives and families. I believe that although their actions have turned their back on the monogamy creed. What is the most important thing in a marriage? Is it the desire to maintain the integrity of the marriage, maintain the relationship of the partner, or not suppress the desire to find passion inside? These men have assured me that they still love their wives. So whether you believe it or not, if you go to bed with your husband, it means that he will still love you.

What is strange to me, however, is that these men who claim to love their wives do not want to enjoy “more” love in this way. They are not libidos who want dissatisfaction. I used to think that the charm of extramarital affairs lies in the excitement of the darkness of Chen Cang, the freshness brought by strangers, and the quietness and ease of pure love life that is purely an individual existence and a few hours after the family trivia is forgotten. However, unlike what I imagined, in the past few years, the five married men who had had a relationship with me told me in unison that their wives didn’t want to have a relationship with them, which was the real reason for their online dating. And they have already given up on asking the wife about it.

I have read a blog, the blogger is a husband, he recorded every experience with his wife: 9 times was rejected nine times. I don’t know what happened between the couple, maybe because this husband is too bad? But most women who see this post may be ashamed and ashamed that he has quantified his interest in making love with his wife. As a woman, the most likely complaint about her husband is that they rarely help with housework. When the family meets, the woman may look at him when he finishes eating and does not clean up the plate himself. If your sex life is more harmonious, it is very difficult for you to let your husband not come to Taiwan in full view.

I used to have a high date, a silver hair style, a good talk, a gentleman, and I was about ten years older than me. We are at the George Bar in St Pancras. Drinking red wine, I listened to him to talk about how his wife is a genius, passionate about his career, how eloquent they are, especially when both people love to cook. But sex seems to be dispensable for her. It can be said that she is more sexually reclusive. He tried to talk to his wife on several occasions, but he ended up without results. Until one day, she said to him: Even if he satisfied himself through other means, she would not mind. But she didn’t want to hear anything about the wind, and she didn’t want any of his actions to affect their social life. But she did agree to do so.

I didn’t go to bed with the silver-haired gentleman, but I was very interested in his entangled mentality of his wife’s deep affection and derailment. His wife’s clear instructions made them both able to maintain the integrity of the entire family while they wished. But he also said that he would like to have a relationship with his wife, which he said.

I know how I want to get sex from someone other than my partner. I also know how a partner can’t satisfy what I feel. There are so many things in modern life that prevent us from chasing the desire for sex: children, work, and even a popular American drama, all of which put us in a less important position to meet our physical needs. Then, of course, there is aging. As I approach the menopause, I want to know, I still have years to have the original sexual desire? Is there not much time? The men I met were mostly in their 40s or early 50s. Their wives were also near middle age. I heard too many “she is no longer interested.” When a man is in middle age, the hormone level does not fall as much as a woman, and when a woman reaches her age, her estrogen is greatly reduced and her desire is exhausted. If men are still eager to move, their sexual desires are not diminished, and women are more eager and valued than just the feeling of home, we will inevitably not appear in the bedroom, this problem is as obvious as the elephant in the room, it makes people stress Shanda, but it is ashamed to start, no one has the courage to open this mouth first.

Using a mobile phone will make this thing simple and easy to face. Of course, some women are as lustful as men, and they are certainly not the ones who are derailed. Recently, I have read a few books about the investigations and real experiences of people derailing for sex and extramarital affairs. In the book “Derailment Status” by Esper Perel, I think all friends who are in a long-term relationship should read, whether or not you are derailed. Emily Nagoski’s “Keeping the True Color” may be for female readers, but it is also a very helpful reading for the husband’s loss of sexual desire, because it clearly clarifies the instinct. The difference between desire and the outside world.

I met a married man at the bar at the Andaz Hotel Liverpool Street. He is a bit bald, strong and strong, his beard is very clean, his manners are decent, his heart is a little rebellious but he is well hidden. As he reached for the beer mug, the geometrical kaleidoscope-shaped tattoo was looming under the sleeves of the high-set suit. After listening to his children, his wife and their carefully crafted home, we were intimate for a while in the stairwell. It was the first time I felt the erection of a man through such a high-grade clothing. That night, I saw the whole picture of the tattoo. We drank Prosecco and listened to the music of the “Violence Woman” band of the 80s, and then there was a relationship – with protection measures. Later, we took a drink and talked half-washed and half-awake for one night.

I asked him: “Why don’t you tell your wife the truth? ‘Hey, I love you and children, but I also need sex. Can I have occasional indulgence, but I won’t let it affect our lives?” He sighed Road: “I don’t want to hurt her. She has been giving up her family for 10 years, taking care of her children, and thinking about what she really wants to do. If I ask her such a question, it is tantamount to asking her for her life, hurting her too much. Self-esteem.” He showed me her photo. She is very beautiful, stylish and has a bright smile. As a mother, she looks more capable and calmer than before. At this point, I am more curious to know her, want to know why she does not want to have sex with her very sexy husband.

“So, you don’t want to hurt her, but you still lied to her. Isn’t it? I really want to know if this is the case!” I asked him with a strong drink. How do you say that my marriage has not been affected by an affair, so I did not substitute myself into his wife’s role, maybe I should ask him more gently: I really want to know if you lied to her.

“But I didn’t tell the truth, it doesn’t mean that I lied to him.” He said, “It’s also good intentions not to say it.”

“But if it is me, I will not do it like you. In the face of this person who is married to me, I will not dare to discuss the issue of extramarital sex openly and honestly. Maybe you are not willing to have problems with your sexual life. Open your teeth, but you have reached the point where one of them can’t be satisfied.”

“Then go talk about it!” he said.

I don’t know if it is out of curiosity or drunkenness. I am still asking him this question while sitting on the toilet. “We all adhered to the principle of loyalty and the principle of monogamy when we got married,” the bathroom door was open. I asked him while urinating. “But we gradually became restless, but we don’t want to divorce, but I also want to find the feeling of being alive, mainly to satisfy the sexual instinct. If one party does not want sex, why not negotiate a consensus on occasional derailment to keep the family intact?”

After listening to me, he laughed: “Why don’t we stop these discussions before this derailment becomes boring?”

I once agreed to meet a mysterious man in the outer town. He didn’t let any of his own photos on the Internet. His explanation is that his work needs to be seen and deal with students, and those students are using the same dating software. However, the information he sent was beautiful, and I was not resistant to it. I promised to meet him and asked him to give me a surprise. When I arrived at the British Library and walked behind the gallery on the first floor, I texted him and asked him to come to me. Then I close my eyes and wait. After a few minutes, I heard a voice behind me: “Karin?”

“Yes, it is me.” I turned to him with my eyes closed. I reached out and touched his shoulder, then touched his neck and face. I felt the soft moustache on his face, and the fingers slid over the frame of his metal glasses. I pulled his face closer and kissed his lips. When I opened my eyes, I saw a childish face with a relaxed face and a beautiful face. I was relieved at once. But when we were on the road and ready to go to the restaurant for dinner, he gave me a second surprise: he was married.

“We haven’t had sex for 5 years.” He told me.

“Why?” I asked, as if I was conducting an interview.

“She got a brain tumor.”

Generally speaking, for this answer, my first reaction is usually disdain and questioning: What? right! But he did not make me feel that he was not sincere. Since I have been working in medicine for nearly 20 years before coming to England, I decided to ask him a question that is not so easy to answer – if he is lying, he may not be able to answer it. “What symptoms does she have now? I asked.

“Suddenly one day, she couldn’t smell anything,” he replied calmly. “But before that, her personality has changed and it has become very violent. Anything can make her angry. She started yelling at me and the children.”

After doing the doctor for so many years, I can’t help but ask the patient to break the casserole, and the answer I get is almost always: no sex life, my wife is not interested.

What he said is indeed a symptom of the frontal lobe brain tumor, so I judge that he is either telling the truth or doing homework in advance.

During the dinner, we talked about his life. His wife refused to sleep with him, not even lying next to her. But he could not leave her. They have two children. He managed to accept this status quo, but when it comes to this, his body has been curling up, I can feel that he is sad, sad enough to bear it.

I followed him back to the hotel where he lived. We took off our clothes and the lights kept on. When we were in contact with the naked body, at first he was a little trembling, then he hugged me and I hugged him. He thanked me afterwards. I kissed home after I kissed him. Since then we have not contacted.

My other married lover lives very close. Others are very good and come to my home every few months when my child goes to school. He wore a bit like Tom Wolf: a bow tie, a soft-colored shirt with a light suit and a hat. We sipped soda together and chatted about the sky. His words and deeds were respectful and courteous, but the smile always showed a trace of embarrassment. But after we undressed, he completely changed himself, wild and enthusiastic. When he was in love, he was full of resentment, as if the world had a cruel joke with him – because he had a seriously ill wife who could not make love, and he was born with the original strong sexual desire, and it was difficult to meet.

“Your wife can’t make love, and you never asked her if you can find a lover?” I asked him while lying in bed.

“What is the use of this? Just to show sincerity?”

“I think that’s the reason?” I said, I want to make myself sound curious, not a nosy.

“I don’t think it makes sense to do this. She is so cute, and I am willing to do things for her. She likes her work and knows that she doesn’t work long. She also knows that I am not easy to meet, but she really just doesn’t feel it. Interest, she was like this before she fell ill.”

Listen, I stopped asking. He has always come to me and will stay for an hour or two every few months. After I moved back to the United States, we kept in touch and occasionally sent text messages. When I told him that I was writing an article about loyalty in marriage, he thought it was a good topic.

I wrote to ask him: Does he still feel that it is meaningless to tell his wife everything? His answer is: Yes.

I know about myself. Whether it is good morality or a bad habit, I have self-knowledge, so I have peace of mind every night.

The men I dated were all married men. I am curious about the stories they tell. Their betrayal of the wife made me feel like a man, and of course I couldn’t be a good person to go to bed with her husband – it’s fair. After doing the doctor for so many years, I can’t help but ask the patient to break the casserole, and the answer I get is almost always: no sex life, my wife is not interested. However, I have not been too concerned to suggest that they go to see a psychiatrist for marriage counseling, although as their doctor, I have the right to do so. They want to keep their mouths on the derailment, but I am embarrassed that they are open to their wives, and it is ridiculous because I am the target of their derailment. But when they face my questioning, most of them can calm down, like a patient father, always endure the child’s endless questioning: Why? why? why!

The second night I spent with a married man, he told me that he told his wife that he was going on a business trip. He came to me after sitting on the train after work. The whole process is enjoyable, not wild, but it does not break through my emotional barriers. The next morning, he buried his head on my chest. I held his bare head in his hands, like a baby. At this moment, I realized that he was not only seeking sex, but he was more eager to love. He said that he wants to be closer to his wife and has closer communication, but he can’t do it. Because of physical alienation, they can’t cross the most common but seemingly never able to bridge the gap. Their hearts are therefore more Alienation, sex has become even more impossible. In this way, resentment is born in his heart.

“She doesn’t want to make love with me.”

“Do you let her feel that she is special?” I asked, trying to make him feel that he was more responsible for this alienation.

“I don’t know. Sometimes it will.”

“So she will also make love with you, sometimes.”

“Go to hell!” he said, then laughed.

Maybe I am too busy with my business. The questions I mentioned are embarrassing, resentful and fearful. After all, for the siege of things, we talk a lot easier than for people to help. But my attitude is always the same. If my spouse needs something, I can’t give him. I won’t stop him from getting it elsewhere, as long as he doesn’t threaten our family. Perhaps what I think of is just the little things of fishing or drinking with friends. Of course, he can do it indulgently. But sex is different from this, and having physical intimacy with others is a necessary condition for gaining health and happiness. If the people we care about most have this need, how can we ignore and deny it? If we can maintain a harmonious relationship with our spouse, but lack physical intimacy, and make up for this deficiency from other sources, will we not bury our marriage?

I did not say that extramarital affairs and open sexual relations are the antidote to the above marriage. Nowadays in the United States, “non-monogamy” has been praised by a small number of people. But despite this, Americans’ sexuality still lags far behind the British. No matter what form the relationship between the two sexes exists, it is impossible for others to control and control. But adding participants to the relationship and turning the two into three or even four people will only lead to more hidden dangers and unexpected emotional entanglements.

I always want people to be able to treat people sincere, frank, no matter how you feel fear and anxiety. There are too many people telling me that when they give their feelings and desires to their spouses without reservation, as long as the other party is also open, they feel the relaxation and freedom that has never been seen before. The previous fears are completely relieved. So, if you own escapades – or just an idea – say listening to each other, does that mean in a relationship about sex and intimacy necessary discussions with an important start?

When a person is betrayed and asks her to love the one who betrayed her, it is a bit too much. But we did not give that woman is not to betray our people a chance to not betray us? An opportunity to listen to him explaining his derailment? A man should manage his lower body, but when he fails to manage his lower body, can we listen to his reasons, is it more important? In the eyes of the married men I met, dating me but being tight-lipped about their wives is respecting their marriage. In my opinion, this is the only way they can comfort their inner pain and maintain their passion and desire.

These husbands are not willing to discuss with their wives because it will expose the essence of their derailment. They managed to convince me that they did not tell their wives about their desires, but they were actually kind. Maybe they have already believed. However, deception or concealment will eventually cause harm, and what is goodwill?

Finally, I have to come to the conclusion that what these men can’t face is actually listening to their wife telling why they don’t want to have sex again. These men feel that it is easier and easier to register Tinder with a hat of betrayal than to talk to their loved ones. It sounds frustrating! One of my beloved relatives and friends once said this to me. I think it is a good start for the husband and wife to talk about this. When people believe that you are not going to do evil, they will open up to you. .