For a long time, people couldn’t connect “excellence” with “disease” (here referred to as psychological disease), as if top students had healthy psychology while taking it for granted. However, the reality clearly shows us that many excellent people are sick and very sick.
A friend who graduated from 985 colleges and universities suddenly felt that life was empty after he entered the world’s top 500 companies that he dreamed of looking for a job: “it seems that what he has been pursuing for a long time has been obtained, but the feeling is not as happy as imagined.”
“I don’t know what this job means to me, as if I don’t particularly love it.”
“Then what do I love?”
The confusion of my friends reminds me of Professor Xu Kaiwen’s very popular article and speech on “Hollow Disease” two years ago. Professor Xu’s Peking University is home to the nation’s elite. As a psychology teacher, he found a large number of students who looked “excellent” and suffered from “hollow disease”.
The characteristics of “hollow disease” can be condensed into two: first, the external conditions are particularly excellent, especially in academic and career; Second, I feel empty, confused and meaningless.
These students may be tired of studying at a low level, self-harm or even suicide at a high level. What is more frightening is that the proportion of this group in Peking University is as high as 30%.
One of the sources of hollow feeling: excellent for parents, I am just a shell.
It is not hard to imagine that the excellence of these children is to a large extent to achieve the wishes of their parents, rather than from their own motive force in life. In other words, when their hearts are overwhelmed by their parents’ wishes, there is no room for them.
The other side of the hollow disease is that the heart is full, but what is stuffed is not one’s own thing, belongs to oneself, and has only one shell.
After entering the university, Pu Shu threw the admission notice to his parents and said that the university had already helped you enter the university and I would not read it. Pu Shu has music he loves and is not really a “hollow disease”, but he has also been troubled by depression.
As the son of an outstanding scientist, his heart may always feel the fame and expectation from his father from a young age. Precisely, he realized very early that “this is yours, and I am taking your college entrance examination.”
Many patients with “hollow disease” may not realize this for a long time. They seem to have automatically equated their parents’ expectations with their own wishes and acquiesced in the large-scale invasion or even occupation of their parents’ wishes. According to the needs of their parents, they have occupied various elite strategic heights time and again, reaping excellent labels, successes and applause. They will also feel a sense of accomplishment in such “victory” and the satisfaction brought by people’s envious eyes.
However, after all, the years can’t be quiet all the time. Why do “hollow diseases” often occur in college, especially among freshmen? This time node is very interesting.
The competitive environment of primary and secondary schools can be called a single competitive environment, while the competitive environment of universities is a diversified competitive environment.
In the university stage, the first priority is to initially determine your life direction, that is to say, you have to determine which direction you want to go, whether you are immersed in learning to engage in academic line, or actively participate in community exercise work ability …
Only then can you know how to compete and how to win.
Children who have always fought for their parents’ expectations are at an unprecedented loss at this time: without their parents’ expectations in front of them, they simply do not know where they want to go. at this time, because the children have entered their ideal university, many parents are relaxing and yielding to their children’s occupation and are ready to enjoy a leisurely life.
But unexpectedly, the child’s heart was really empty after his stuffing was withdrawn.
The second source of hollow feeling: only competition without emotion
Professor Xu attributed the root of hollow disease to the lack of values.
Is that they do not have their own values. We cannot help asking: why do they not have their own values?
The so-called value concept refers to the concept of value, that is, what one thinks is important to oneself. This may seem like a rational thing to judge, but in fact, it is closely related to a person’s emotion. The ultimate sense of meaning comes from the relationship between oneself and others.
Bill Gates, as a man who has lived a successful life in the eyes of ordinary people, is now seeking to continuously improve the poor living environment of other people in the world, such as building toilets for Africa.
This is the source of his sense of meaning as a world’s richest man. He hopes that he is useful to others, which is what the relationship means to him.
Many people suffering from “hollow disease” may lack this kind of emotional attention to others, so he feels that he has nothing to do with others and has nothing to do with the world. Because for a long time, they exist as a tool to compete for their parents. They feel that their greatest significance is to defeat others and win the competition.
Driven by this kind of life goal, it is difficult for them to establish real and deep emotional connection with their peers. As a substitute for competition, they also cannot feel real and deep emotional connection from their parents.
Once one day, when the main theme of his life is no longer competition, or at least not obvious competition, the nihility of life will be overwhelming.
Sense of Meaning: Love from Mother’s Eyes
For the vast majority of ordinary people, the meaning of life ultimately comes from their relationship with other people in the world, which can also be understood from people’s growth experience.
There is no doubt that the way a baby obtains meaning comes from the mother’s response. The mother’s meaning to the baby lies not only in giving him food and clothing and basic care, but also in the mother’s loving eyes full of attention and seeing the value and significance of her existence.
As they grow older, babies gather information about their meaning from the eyes of their mothers, fathers and other relatives. If a child is filled with his parents’ competing wishes for a long time, in fact he cannot collect any value about himself from his parents’ eyes, he feels that his wishes and needs are not as important as winning the competition for his parents.
So, as a unique person, where is he going to find in the sense of coming to this world for a visit?
Even if he keeps winning all kinds of competitions and gains wealth, reputation, status and achievements, his heart will still have a huge sense of unreality and emptiness.
How can I put my heart into my body?
To regain the sense of meaning is a process of separation before connection.
1. Distinguish between what you want and what others ask you to want
This process may not be so comfortable, because over the years, perhaps one’s wishes and the wishes of others have been glued together, and every inch of separation may have a tearing pain, which is also the reason why many people who are accustomed to living for their parents cannot really live for themselves very soon.
2. Find a strange feeling and live with your own wishes.
Touching the world with one’s real feeling may feel pain, but every pain will outline the real world in your eyes.
3. New Relations Beyond Competition: Mutual Benefit and Intimacy
Competition exists objectively, but competition is not the only way for people to communicate with others, and “winning” is not the only need for human beings.
This time the connection between the heart and the world is real, autonomous and rich. Isn’t the meaning of life just to live with such a heart?