Sojourn era

I should have been in the bathroom half an hour ago.

The door of my room is the living room. There is a group of guests in the hall. If I open the door, their eyes will be focused on me. I’m a stranger, and unlike the people from the county seat, when I appeared, I had to explain to the guests. I don’t want me to explain.

I also want to drink water. The cup fell to the bottom, two drops of water dripped to the tip of the tongue, and the mouth was sticky, with a strange bitter taste. Mobile phone in the living room.

I usually get water after dinner, go to the bathroom before entering the room, and then finish drinking the glass of water. The table I cooked tonight was too unpalatable. I didn’t move much and I messed things up.

I held the doorknob tenth time, twisted it half a turn, and let it go tenth time.

My cousin called me and got stuck again. Before, I hated her calling me like this, and I hurried out tonight. I don’t know what the guest’s eyes look like, but I just feel that the conversation seems to be blank.

I explained the math problems to my cousin, and on the condition of helping her make greeting cards, she asked me to pour a glass of water. Back to the room, my throat was moistened, and the tight strings in my body were relieved. I turned off the light, and the dark color penetrated into the chest layer by layer, and the chest swelled. I turned on the light, pulled out the easel, and put the artboard on it.

Easel and artboard is the only gift my father gave me. I loved painting since I was a child. I painted on the back of my workbook and on the back of the calendar. Later, I saw a painter’s easel on TV and decided that I also needed an easel. When my father was working, I squatted in the corner, looking for wood scraps, nails, and making an easel. My father was a carpenter, and his work was to support the family. I never thought of asking him for help. My father stopped suddenly and asked me what I wanted. Two days later, my father gave me a sturdy easel and an artboard with excellent touch.

I caressed the easel, the aroma of wood was still there, and took me back to my father’s workshop. There are four rooms in the courtyard of the home, two occupants, one is the work room where my father works, one is cooking and sundries, and a rectangular courtyard is enclosed by the fence in front of the house.

I smeared my yard: the house, the fence, the morning glory crawling on the fence, the jasmine, the evergreen, the lily on the side of the fence, the bamboo forest on the side of the house … After leaving the home, this is the main subject under my brush, but about the yard The memory of the details became more ambiguous, and the lines became uncertain.

This is not my small courtyard. I dropped the paintbrush. The ratio is wrong? Wrong colors? The house is wrong? Is the fence wrong? The back in the courtyard is not right-my sister didn’t like the back. She said that she was ridiculous and that I doodled and added mess to the house. All my paintings about the courtyard in my hometown have such a back view, standing or squatting in the corner of the courtyard, gray-blue or dark yellow. The elder sister asked me why I drew this figure and I do n’t know. My sister said it was sad to watch. Sorry, it seems a little bit, but sometimes I feel comforted.

I started to paint the figure, stained with gray-blue, dark yellow, dark purple, and black. I was not sure what color to use. The brush randomly pulled a line. After turning my wrist, I pulled another line and then pulled One, the more you pull, the more the yard breaks under the messy lines, and the pieces are messy until the picture becomes a weed on the screen, and the small yard is gone.

I stayed in front of the hospital for a long time. My mother stood by the door, behind it was the old door frame, and the background was the dark color in the room, like a faded painting. My sister didn’t come back this time. Last summer, my mother, sister, and brother came back. At that time, my aunt went out. I had to stay at my grandmother’s house and lost the opportunity to go home. The whole summer vacation was resentful. After my sister returned to the city, I asked my home countless times. She either shrugged or ignored me, or just said nothing, just like that.

The fence is not right, the bamboo is crooked, some of the flowers on the fence have withered, and some have grown with the grass; the yard is not right, the grass is as high as the knee, so many rotten leaves; the house is not right, there are dried moss on the wall, the house It was dark and cold, and the stove was covered with cobwebs. Having lunch at the neighbor Li Mei’s house, Li Mei gave me food, no longer scolded me for a thin monkey, asked me what TV I like to watch, I was no longer afraid of the TV ’s electricity, and no longer rushed me home. I was fixed on a low chair, and I was ashamed to walk around Li Mei’s house. When I went to the village, Uncle Amma shouted all the way, my partner in the village greeted me all the way, I hung on my face with a smile, my eyes and nose were tired. I ran out of the zhaizi, none of my friends followed me. I ran to the hillside of Zhaihou, climbed the big olive tree, and lay crying on the branch.

After returning to the county, I covered the sketchbook in an iron box—the box contained the things I brought home, beads, plastic hair clips, knives, embroidered pouches, and comic books. The cover of the book wrote two words: hometown. Draw the house, yard, fence, bamboo forest on the side of the house, yellow bark trees behind the house, painting the alley in the village, the old wall of the village, the stone mill beside the wall, the well in the village east, and the field hillside behind the village. This time I went back and took this book, ready to fill in some details. When I entered the county town, I found that many things were not good before, and those days when I went back to my hometown, I didn’t fill them all.

After putting the sketchbook in the tin box, I haven’t opened the tin box for many years.

My mother’s stomach problem was delayed for a few years, and she couldn’t hold it that year, so she sent her to the county to see a doctor. My mother went to the county twice, and when she came back, she said she wanted to move into the county.

The benefits are many. There are so many houses to be renovated in the county. They all need bed cabinets, tables, chairs, doors and windows. There will be many waiting for fathers. Those lives are more valuable than the countryside. Schools in the county are good schools. If you go to a good school, there will be a good future; the doctors in the county town will completely cure the mother’s illness; we will become city people, and take a different path … The mother will tell the father the benefits of the uncle.

When I heard the news, I immediately thought of the box of ice milk. My mother frozen a box of popsicles in her refrigerator, wrapped in towels, and went home from the county. When she mysteriously opened the box, the ice lolly turned into water, but the water was sweet, fragrant, and ice. My mother said that people in the city have boxes that can make popsicles. When they want to eat, when they want to eat, and how much they want to eat, the box is called a refrigerator.

The refrigerator makes the county beautiful.

My sister and I imagined the county town to go, using the town as a template. We’ve been to town with our mother, so busy streets, dense shops, and novelty small buildings. People in the town have very different lives from those in the village. The county town is many times stronger than the town. The people in the county town are the same as in the movie. They are doing business much larger than the town people. Many people, like aunts, do a kind of work called work. They do n’t need to scratch their heads. No father’s axe, no iron sickle to cut pigweed, no grey brick knife …

The elder sister said that the father and mother could not become urbanites, because the father was a carpenter, and the mother had to go to the factory to do manual work. The younger brother asked his sister what to do in the city, he did n’t want to go, he went to the river to fish and take a bath, to climb the tree to pick fruits. Fruit. My sister said that we would learn to live in the city, and live a life that would be in the city. When we grow up, we will become city people. The most important thing for our father and mother to move to the county is for us.

I imagine what it would be like to be a person in the city. I do n’t have to do the work of burning pigs and picking vegetables. I will be very busy. Then I will paint and become a painter, like a painter in a movie. It is great to draw a painting called “work”. What is great, I don’t know, but I get excited.

The three of our sisters held their bags and stood in front of the growing house. The father moved the toolbox into the house. The mother cleaned the cobwebs in the corner and the dust on the ground. Outside, there was a shed made of asphalt paper and old boards. It was short and dark, and I glanced into it. The tide had an unintelligible smell and a match stove. Is there a stove in town? I asked my sister.

Entered a narrow and long hall, filled with father’s toolboxes, and the father worked here later. There is a cabinet in the corner of the hall, where the gas stove is placed, and the mother puts the oil and sauce vinegar bowls and dishes into the cabinet drawer. I asked my sister, is this the stove? The sister said that the people in the city were called kitchens.

Two narrow rooms, a two-story bed, a low table in front of the bed, this table is used for meals and tea, the bed is sister and brother, another father and mother live, except the bed, Also cluttering the closet with debris. I don’t know where to put my things.

After a long time, things were probably back in place. There are so few things. When I was in my hometown, I felt that there were so many things in my family. It felt like moving a house was like moving a world. The world was full of things that I had been familiar with since childhood. I did n’t expect to move so easily.

In the evening, my mother took me to my uncle’s house. Very tall building, with large windows on each floor, and the cement trough beside the window is covered with flowers and plants. Going up to the fourth floor, the bright iron door, the glossy wooden door, I took off my shoes according to my mother’s instructions, the floor was slippery and ice, and my legs were tight. The things in the room seemed to be covered with light, making me dazzled. The sofa was too soft, and I held my back firmly. A girl tilted her head to look at me. The skirt she wore looked better than what I painted. My mother said she was a cousin.

I will live here in the future. My family needs help with housework. I have asked a babysitter and none of them are satisfied. The elder sister and I both work. The elder sister helps her mother at home, and I was assigned to my uncle’s family. When my mother left, I followed the door. She waved at me and let me work hard.

I live in my uncle’s house. My brother is very envious. I am envious of a refrigerator that can make popsicles. The refrigerator is always filled with delicious food. I envy his cousin’s huge toy box and an airplane cannon robot. One, still unable to take the blue plane away, he had to wash his hands, feet and face when he entered the door.

My sister told me that it is useful for me to live here, not for nothing.

My cousin was calling me again. I rubbed the messy picture, tore two small groups, and plugged my ears.

Cousin asked me to cook noodles. My cousin wanted to have supper almost every night. I asked her if she had supper before. Who prepared it? The cousin pursed and laughed. The cousin cooked the noodles so delicious. She hugged me coquettishly.

I have to get out of the living room again. The guests talked very vigorously. If they didn’t have to walk in their eyes, I would be glad to hear them talk. They are all very novel. Before, I did n’t know that there were these things in my life. Do we know the days we spend in the village? Occasionally they will talk about their children, what school they go to, what colleges they will take, what majors they will choose, and why they will prepare for work. I saw them carrying extremely rich things, holding the child tightly, and giving the child everything they needed while pointing the way. The child just walked up his legs and followed, and he didn’t have to worry about whether there were pits or forks. Any adult who lives in the future will be arranged early, will the children in the city be like cousins ​​and cousins?

The look into the living room caught me again, just as I walked into the classroom and caught my classmate’s look. It was very hot. I wore a straw hat. Before entering the classroom, I hesitated for a long time holding the straw hat in my hand or on my head, and finally buckled it on my head. I have confidence in hats. I just bought them in town. They are new and look good. As the teacher entered the classroom, the buzzing voice disappeared. I stared at the instep of the foot. For a long time, I finally sat down by the window and stuck my eyes on a page of the book until the bell rang.

The classmates crowded around, and they were densely packed, but the circle was very large, and they were all a distance from me. They asked me why I wore a hat into the classroom. Someone bumped into it and asked me if I was wearing this Shimoda. Some boys recite “Familiarity.” I don’t raise my eyelids, I don’t know what’s wrong with the hat.

Does she understand? A student asked, using Mandarin, I glanced at her.

I don’t understand the dialects spoken by people in the county seat, so I stayed at the first level. However, the teacher spoke Mandarin in class, and the surrounding classmates spoke Mandarin. Later, I learned that because of me, they spoke Mandarin. They usually use the dialect of the county town, which is most of the semester. This kind of dialect surrounds me and can’t catch it like fog Can’t see clearly and can’t feel it.

Some classmates are pointing at my earrings. You do n’t allow it if you wear this. I touched the earrings, and my ears also made mistakes. All the girls in the village were pierced and wore such a pair of earrings.

Why is the class so long, isn’t it ten minutes?

Someone pushed a book in front of me, two applied questions, one easy and one difficult math problem. I have prepared. My mother has warned us more than once that the first place in my hometown may be the last place in a county school, especially the key school that I was looking for. The most powerful children in the county are in it. Throughout the summer, I was secretly making up classes.

I quickly finished the problem and explained it in Mandarin. In the past month, in order to practice Mandarin, I read a book with small stones. The process of speaking the subject was extremely quiet until the teacher came to the class, the kind of stillness remained, and it became a hard piece, hanging in the middle of the classroom.

After school, I stood by the school gate for a long time. Looking at the school gate, if I write an essay, I will give it such words: majestic and beautiful. When I entered this door in the morning, I stepped on a soft ball of stuff, like walking into another world. I believe that if you can enter the city from this door, your father and mother should think so. Now, I have walked into this mouth, but there is a lot of deep inside, I don’t know where to step.

I walked past the building where my family’s house passed, passed the small bridge over the ditch, and the building became lower and lower. The street became an alley, and the alley became narrower and narrower. After a few turns, that was the house. Like an old rag in the county seat, the alley was torn around a rugged house, like a littering rope, I stood for a moment, thinking about the direction of my house-my sister took me several times before I Hold on.

One evening, I stayed home for a long time, and it was dark when I returned to my house. When I turned into an alley, a dog barked at me. I turned and ran around the alley. The road is gone, stuck in those alleys. When I walked out half a day later, I hung my face with cold and salty tears, and walked back to the house group of my family.

My aunt asked me to bring home bacon and dried fish fillets. I still had chocolate and toffee in my pocket. Every time my cousin got some, I hid a little and gave my sister and younger brother. I could eat a lot of snacks and fruits. I always feel owed to my sister and brother.

My father sawed the boards, the roar filled the room, and I walked into a flying wood chip. Sister is doing homework in the house. Can you write like this? I didn’t ask for an exit. I took out the chocolate and toffee, my sister’s eyes lit up, and I peeled the toffee to eat, so that I wouldn’t bring anything from there in the future-my sister always called my uncle’s family over there. I shuddered and said that it was my part.

What about my brother? I like to see him eating chocolate.

How can he live at home. The sister said, go to him.

When I went out, my face turned to the right and I did n’t look at the shed on the left, but I still saw it. The shed was more humid. The coal stove for bathing water was placed at one corner, and the other corner was surrounded by bricks. It was a bathing place. There is a bucket on the opposite side for urination. The public toilet in this room is fifty meters away from home. This house is my home, but I don’t want to live in such a place, I can’t help thinking of those four words: ingratitude.

There was a sticky cold under my feet and I stepped into a puddle. It rained heavily yesterday and the alley was filled with pits. Sister scolded, your eyes are long and your head is long, you won’t see the way? When I come here, I always like to look up and keep my eyes on the sky.

After finding the younger brother, he squeezed into a group of children and squatted on the ground to draw pictures. The children live in this room, which is as dirty and wet as this room, running around all day and scolding others. They are not in the same school as us, and their school is near this house. Aunt said that the school’s ethics and grades were poor. The meaning is obvious. Often the children who enter that school will get worse. I do n’t want my brother to play with them, I mentioned to my brother, my brother glared at me, said that he wanted to play with them, and that my classmates in that school hated it. My brother looks at me like those children look at me, as if I’m dirty and wet.

The elder sister brought in his brother and took out chocolate and toffee. The brother cheered for a while, stuffed his mouth, and walked towards the group of children while he was holding, and he wanted to share with those children. . I complained to my sister, and I wanted my brother to eat more. The elder sister smiled, he was willing.

When I was home, my sister asked me to go straight back to my uncle’s house and said that my father was working and was very noisy. I didn’t answer, but I broke up with my sister at the alley and went in the direction of my house.

I was staying downstairs for a long time. This has become my habit. After school every day, I have to stay a little bit. It takes a lot of effort to get up the concrete steps. Once I was so absorbed, I didn’t notice when I came back, he was puzzled by my eyes, and I panicked. Since then, I have been nervous downstairs, always stretching my neck, and paying attention to the presence of others.

When I entered the house, it was wide and bright, clean and quiet. My home became far away and far from real. I want to be locked into the room to paint, but it can’t be closed. It’s not the evening. Without guests, it would be strange for me to lock myself in the room.

好像 It seems like the days are clean. My mother likes this kind of day. Before, she lived here for more than ten days. She always talked about the county seat when she went back. When she proposed moving to the county seat, her mother nodded and told her father when she went home. My father didn’t want to come to the county seat. The mother talked about the benefits of the queue over and over again. The father didn’t listen to it. The mother scolded her and said that his father was dead-headed. He could introduce a lot of work to the father. My father said that he had never died before. My father is a good carpenter. He has a good reputation in the four villages of Bazhai, and many people look for him to work.

This has always been the case, and when talking about the mother’s maiden family, the tone of the father and mother’s dialogue becomes worse. My mother said a little bit that time, my father went to his mother’s house to propose him, and he was kicked out by his grandfather. His mother’s family was in good condition, and her father’s family was the poorest in the village. When I was young, my father used to repeat things to us. Father is serious, we dare not listen, but we do not understand. I do not know why, after entering the county, I always unknowingly remembered this.

A few months later, in the discussion about moving to the county seat, the tone of dialogue between father and mother became consultative. Many years later, I learned that in fact many people in Bazhai, Shixiang went out to work, and my father’s work was getting less and less. It was difficult to get a decent job, mostly a small task of a chair or stool.

After moving to the county seat, I can’t remember my father’s visit to my uncle’s house. My mother used to go. She likes that kind of house. If it’s my home, I like it too, but where is my current home, my chest is uncomfortable again.

Grandma said that everything is fixed. What kind of home am I born in? No way? I have to think about that again. What kind of home would I be if I was taken away at that time? If that home is hiding from me, I won’t know the current home, my father, mother, sister, brother and sister will have nothing to do with me?

That was something my mother told me, and I’d rather she didn’t tell it.

After I was born, my father and mother became nervous. They always thought I should be a boy. There are two sisters and me, my father and mother are not eligible for another boy. Mother can’t remember who thought first: give me away. A distant relative introduced a family in the town. The family was good. The couple had no children for many years. They did not care about men and women. It was a pity to hold the child. Those who could enter the door were good children. My mother said that she was suffering in this home, so choose a good way for the children. The mother said that his father did not speak, but just smoked, the room was gray and he could not see his face.

Relatives brought the couple, and the mother turned her back, and let the couple approach the cradle and hear the woman pick me up, coax me, and praise me for being beautiful. As the woman hugged me out of the yard, my mother hooted and rushed towards the woman. The mother said that at that moment she was suddenly soft on the ground and could not crawl. It was my father who brought me back.

I often imagine that my father was holding me, and I felt like my father had held me once.

I ate milk for a few months, and the rumors of family planning were severe. I was taken to the mountain mud house by my grandma. The mud house was originally lived by the shoushanlin people, but it was abandoned. Later, there are often elderly people who take their children to hide and raise. Of course, it is a girl, so that the daughter-in-law at home can give birth to a boy. Everyone who lived in the house repaired the house. Grandma said that when she took me there, the mud house was well built, with beds and chairs, and the shed built by the mud house was a decent stove. Grandma said it was early autumn and it was neither cold nor hot. I was lying in a shaker and noisy. She was weaving twine by the shaker. My father gave me rice, vegetables, and rice noodles, and my mother borrowed money to buy malted milk. My sister never ate it. No matter what grandma says, I don’t like that mud house.

Six years after I was born, my mother and father waited for my brother. For six years, as long as the family planning team inspected it, I was taken away by my grandmother, hid in my grandma’s old house, went with my grandmother to relatives, or went to the village to play pigweed until my mother had a younger brother.

After the mother’s belly showed up, she hid around. When she was eight months pregnant, the family planning team moved the cabinet and took the pig away. The mother hid in a distant relative’s house. The father went out to work. The sister took care of the chickens and ducks. Take me to the mud house.

Those days, my grandma and I ate porridge and sweet potato leaves almost every time. My sister occasionally bought a little tofu and took a little fried peanuts up the mountain. At night, the darkness outside the house was dense and hard. I was always worried that the sky would no longer be bright. The mountain wind ran around the mud house, whirring, as if to take the mud house away. During the day, it was my turn to run on the mountain. I was tired and sat in front of the mud house and watched my grandma’s jute weaving. The grandma’s jute is like the day, always the same and never weaving.

Just in front of the mud house, I drew the first complete home. I have been painting everywhere, with bamboo sticks on the sand, pencils on waste wood, nails on banana leaves … that day, the house I painted was flat, the fence was crooked, and the bamboo on the side of the house It was messy, but Grandma was very satisfied and admitted that it was exactly the same as my yard, but I did n’t understand why I painted the yard on the mountainside. I did n’t understand.

When I entered the school, I had an art class, and I went in and saw what I drew. I like to draw a child. I ca n’t see whether it ’s a man or a woman. I only know that it ’s a homeless child. I imagined the life of the child. There are no parents, no relatives, no home, wherever you go, where you want to go, think Stay as long as you want. Sometimes I cried for that child, sometimes I became that child myself, walking all the way, over the mountains, through the town, through the big city …

My aunt yelled at me and pulled me out of my whim and asked me to feed my cousin. My cousin likes to eat snacks, which makes him a big event. Auntie tried everything to do nothing, but found that I can do it.

I took out the story told by my teacher and grandma, while my cousin could open my mouth, I took in a spoonful of rice, and took a sip. The story of the teacher and grandma was almost finished, and my cousin did n’t like it as much as I did at the beginning. I edited it myself. I did n’t expect to make the story so fun. It’s all up to me. My cousin likes the story I made. The protagonist can be him, the puppy or robot he likes, and the story can eat or fly to the sky. I also asked my cousin to stand in front of the mirror, and made him eat a bite in the mirror and a bite outside the mirror.

After many years, I always think of these details. In those fictional stories and games, is my cousin fascinated or am I fascinated myself? I even think that then I subconsciously wished to have another self.

My cousin ate a whole bowl of rice, and my aunt was very happy. Only I could do this. I received a certificate of me. I didn’t eat it for nothing. But somehow uncomfortable.

I didn’t expect to cause trouble.

I was awakened, my aunt and aunt quarreled in the living room, and I retracted and hid in the bed. When my father and mother quarrel, I want to hide, as if I disappeared, they will not quarrel again. When I heard Lou asking loudly why the door was locked, I sat up straight and my neck was stiff. Aunt said that the door wasn’t her lock, she asked with a higher voice, what did it mean to drop the briefcase and push the fan.

They each speak their own words, their voices are getting louder and louder, and they seem to be able to win if they speak louder and harder.

I grabbed the other hand with one hand until it hurt, and I opened the door.

I locked the door. I said.

The noise of my aunt and aunt broke my voice.

I went into the living room, but my voice was stuck in my throat, and I coughed desperately.

Go back to sleep. I said.

Close the door. Aunt said.

I locked the door. I finally coughed up.

I was eating dinner outside, and my aunt was resting earlier than usual. After finishing my homework, I set up the easel and painted until late. When I returned to the bathroom, I found that the door was unlocked and locked. I thought I was home? Have I ever wondered why Auntie didn’t lock the door? I don’t know, my brain must be broken.

Grandma and Grandma paused for a moment, and looked away at the same time, and continued noisy. In the end, the aunt screamed and rushed back to the room. She quickly carried the bag and she was leaving. I blocked the door, and my aunt desperately twisted the door lock. My head buzzed, and I squeezed over to lock the door, holding the key in my hand. I yelled after saying a lot of invalid words, and my aunt eventually grabbed my key and ran downstairs.

I chase it out.

The road was empty. I ran forward without seeing my aunt, and ran back again.

I continue to run, if only I could run to the end like this, the end of what, the end of the county? The end of the day? The end of the land? My head is in a mess. If my aunt disappears, it is my fault.

two

The box easel is placed on the second floor of the shelf, the bucket basin is placed on the balcony, the bamboo mat is put on the bed, the quilt is stacked on the corner of the bed, books and school supplies are arranged in two rectangular grids on the wall, and there is a backpack. I lie down. This is my bed, upper bunk, undisturbed. As I arrange, the school is admitted to the school, and the normal tuition fee students do not have to pay tuition fees. I seem to have my own little world, and want to sing a song.

I lay on the bed and watched the housemates coming one by one. Most of them were carried by my father or mother, spreading quilts, explaining, paying attention to eating, dressing, and raising water. I think those fathers and mothers think more. It ’s so big, what else do you eat and eat? After years of thinking, I felt that I was too radical. The child of the senior middle school was just fifteen or sixteen years old and lived alone far away. On the contrary, it was me who was not very chic.

My car motion sickened so badly that my mother was afraid that I would miss the wrong car and missed the ground. She wanted to send me to school. I pleaded and refused, and finally contended for the right to come to school alone. At the station, I grabbed the box and let my mother go home. Immediately, I almost changed my face. What my mother wanted to say, I waved my hand impatiently, watching my mother leave the station and humming.

I took almost all my clothing books with me and left nothing at my house. The picture was rolled into a bag and taken home. The iron box had been taken home, but there was no place in the house-what I wanted was a hidden place-and finally entrusted to a good classmate. There were four people in her family but five room. She joked that the tin box was ugly, but I knew she would take care of it for me. I don’t know when I can retrieve the box and put it in my own place.

Arranged the beds, I went around the campus, this is the school I was admitted to.

In the previous school, most of the students were from the county seat. I learned the dialect of the county seat. They thought that the accent of my hometown was very heavy. When I went back to my hometown, I felt that my hometown dialect had the county seat accent. I forgot the joke. . Now, classmates come from all directions, have their own dialects and accents, and use Mandarin to each other, everyone is the same. I like this feeling. At the time, I couldn’t think of the words to narrate it. After several years, a word emerged from my mind: I felt at ease.

Normal school is not big-I heard classmates mentioned that their brother and sister went to a university that was too big for my imagination. I long for such a university, but it has nothing to do with me-the library is big enough, the grass in front of the library The bamboo chair is very attractive. The grove behind the library is very suitable for daze and painting. I have found a place for daze and easel. There are tree-lined trails where you can listen to music, there are decent playgrounds, and I like those who play basketball, running, skipping, and parallel bars … vibrant.

After dinner, I walked around for a while before returning to the dormitory. The roommates stayed in their beds, or dazed, or finishing, the atmosphere was dull-a girl sobbed, and several girls wiped their eyelids. I took out the album and read it, so as to calm the high spirits, I bit my tongue so as not to accidentally hum the song. I remembered the stray child I painted and decided to let that child arrange a bed for himself somewhere, even if it was made of grass.

At noon on Friday, the dormitory was noisy. The students packed up and prepared to go home. Individually, if they couldn’t go back too, they packed up, and then cried softly in their luggage. I still hold the album to read, and Liu Guiling on the bunk knocks on my bedboard, don’t you come back?

I shook my head. I didn’t tell her that I didn’t plan to return all semester.

In the evening, I called the family. My mother asked me. I still remember the family. Like your sister, I was heartless. My elder sister was admitted to a technical school two years ago and rarely went home, but the technical school was far away from home and there was a reason to go home less often. My mother told me to go back next week, say my birthday, and go home for dinner. My phone shakes, my birthday? My cousin and cousin eat birthday cakes every year. I followed them and never thought of my birthday.

My mother said that it would only take three hours to drive home, and the travel expenses were not expensive. My father recently took two big jobs, and the family has loosened a lot. She also bought me a cake …

I refused to go home, and the rented house, the narrow dark room, the living room full of wood and wood shavings, and the low tide shed in my head. I feel sorry for my mother, but my steps are easy. A few roommates who couldn’t go home comforted each other sadly. I quickly went to my bed and didn’t want to talk to them about my homesickness. At that moment, I thought I was a cold-blooded person.

Sitting on my bed, it feels like a miser sitting on his own gold coins. I would like to talk to someone about this feeling. I looked around in the dormitory and the thought disappeared. I put the drawing board on my curved knee, covered it with sketch paper, and drew it.

I drew a girl who was running. She ran so fast, her figure was blurry, her hair and dress fluttered. After drawing, she was taken aback. The girl’s feet and nearby were covered with grass. She was running on the grassland, but in the distance were all buildings. The buildings were very high, touching the clouds in the sky, and the buildings were dense, like a cobweb. . I heard a junior high school teacher talk about a super big city, saying that it is a sea of ​​human beings. People who go in like water dripped into the sea, own the sea, and have nothing, including themselves. I didn’t know much at the time, but those words made me imagine countless megacities. There is also a low room in the painting, like a village in his hometown, and a rag-like house in the county seat, crowded in the corner.

Throughout the night, I was thinking about the background of this painting, and regarded myself as an object of analysis. I thought of countless reasons why I painted such things, but all the reasons were overturned, and I was finally puzzled by myself.

On Saturday, I left the school early and walked freely, regardless of left and right. Various small restaurants, low-end clothing stores, daily necessities stores, stationery stores, etc. on the street where the school is located are mostly doing business for school students. When I reached the end of the street, I turned around. It was a highway. I guess it was the main road in the city. It was much wider than the road in the county. The traffic came and went, and I stared at it for a long time. Go down the sidewalk. I look closely at the buildings on both sides. Who lives inside? What kind of life is it?

After a long walk, turning in from an intersection is a commercial street, dense storefronts, and dense crowds. Commercial streets are all people walking, hurried and leisurely, walking or rubbing a certain shoulder, touching a hand, or looking at a certain pair of eyes, don’t care, like the wind drifts, Crowded together that close, but no one wrote down the stranger’s face. Standing in the crowd for a long time, many people passed me by, but no one noticed me, how safe and free. I’m glad that this city is owned by all strangers, and I still have such a bit of sadness, which makes my chest empty. I got up, walked as hurriedly as a city man, walked into the crowd, and threw this away cleanly.

I was taken aback when I saw that low room, very close to Commercial Street. This low house reminded me of the county, but it was much bigger, the house was much more crowded, the people were much denser, and my mood suddenly broke. I hurried to run away from this cluttered low room, but ran more and more into the alley, and when I finally ran out, I was exhausted, but I didn’t stop and ran far.

Soon after turning out of the school street in the morning, I lost my way. The more I walked, the deeper I lost myself. Now I am trapped in the city and completely lose my sense of direction. The city is weird. Every step is fresh, but many areas are similar. Buildings, shops, roads, cars and people.

Throughout the day, I let myself get lost and spend time with strangers in strange places. I loved this strangeness, and have been doing it every Saturday since then. At that time, I felt that the city was so big that I couldn’t get to the edge by how to get there. Later I learned that even the second-tier cities were not counted. Going to the park to sketch on Sundays has also become a regular activity. I’m familiar with the park. It’s weird. I do familiar things in familiar places. I also like it.

It’s easy to get lost in getting lost and sketching. It’s often late to go back to school, but as long as it doesn’t exceed the school’s prescribed time and shake the student ID, the door will open for me. When the iron door opened, I always had an indescribable addiction. In this city, I let a door open for me, and went in to find my own bed. After lying in bed for a long time, I was still tasting the feeling.

After many years, I realized that it was a disease.

At the end of the period, there was a rush of excitement during the intense review. As the summer vacation was approaching, I was scared.

When I thumped off the car, my mother hurriedly greeted me with a smile. I didn’t think about the first sentence I said to her. When she took my suitcase, I was still in a daze. I stayed at my house last summer , Auntie and Auntie are very busy, I will leave their home to help.

How about this summer vacation?

My mother took me home first.

I took out the scarf for my sister, gave my brother a knife and candy, pulled the box, and put the box in front of her bed. My mother entertained the guests and opened a small box of tea, saying that it was good tea, and that I had been in school for a long time and hadn’t drank Kung Fu tea for a long time. The elder sister gave me a smile and gave me a glance. You are a big man. I came back two days ago, but my mother didn’t open the tea. I moved my body, annoyed that I couldn’t find a proper sitting position, my body shrank, my shoulders sore.

During the dinner, my mother prepared a lot of dishes. My sister and I fought. Several people squeezed in front of the gas stove cabinet, choosing vegetables, cutting meat, cooking rice, and cooking. The heat forced the sweat, and the oil smoke became sticky. When the dishes were served, the three of us were flushed and our clothes were greasy.

After dinner, my mother took me to my uncle’s house. I stood downstairs, my legs were weak and I couldn’t step up the steps.

Every day I change clothes from the box, and the cleaned clothes are stacked directly into the box. The cousin is very strange. I ask what to do, like staying at a hotel. My cousin has many math questions and asks me. Worry about going to the bathroom and drinking water, but I ca n’t paint, just pick up the paintbrush, my cousin either stares at me or keeps talking-I mumbled, staying at the hotel is fine, the hotel has to pay, I will be a customer . My cousin didn’t hear her, and asked, I didn’t talk to her.

I’m considering the advice of my cousin.

A few days before summer vacation, I contacted my cousin. My cousin packs biscuits in a biscuit factory in town. The biscuit factory has been doing good business recently. I want to pack biscuits. It is most welcome for me to spend two months in summer vacation. She was joking. The table was filled with biscuits, sweet and salty sandwiches of soda, creamy onions, and pieces of biscuits for you to eat.

My cousin went to work after graduating from junior high school. I was very comfortable with her, but I was scared after staying with her for a long time. Many children grow up this way.

In the evening, I did not return to socializing. My aunt was taking a bath. I called my cousin’s house and said, “I want to pack cookies, and I’ll be there tomorrow.”

The next day, I got the box home before my aunt got up. Mom asked if she had a quarrel with her cousin.

I went to work in the summer, cousin’s biscuit factory.

My mother advised that there was something to do in the family.

I took a 9 o’clock car and went into the biscuit factory in the afternoon. I said.

Sure enough, the table was full of crackers, and the cracked crackers could be eaten, but I lost my good imagination of the crackers. The big fan in the factory building stirred up the heat of the crackers, the workers rushed in the heat, and the dried crackers gave With a visual impact, the throat feels drier, and the imagination of biscuits or salty or sweet or creamy or green onion scent makes people feel sick.

I quickly mastered the technique of packing cookies, using both hands, and learned to pick up and organize very quickly. The freshly baked cookies are slightly hot, with a rough and dry texture, and some are still coated with fine sugar. The fingers are rubbed for a long time and quickly. After a few days, the skin of the fingers becomes extremely thin and red, and there is a sharpness when touching the cookies. It was tingling, and I knew then that cookies would hurt people.

But I’m happy.

Packing biscuits is repeating, repeating, picking, boxing, and bagging. I seem to find meaning in the repetition. Repeatedly, as long as it is fast enough, I may support myself, and I may earn living expenses for the next semester. Peace of mind. Right now, I can arrange myself by this job.

I’ll borrow some money from my cousin first, buy bread and soy milk in the morning, and eat noodles or fried rice at a snack stall in the evening. I ate at the factory at noon, and the bell of the meal was ringing. The breadmaker rushed to the line under the eaves. A bucket of rice, a bucket of vegetables, a bucket of soup, and a pot of meat. After eating, if you eat enough, you can replenish your hunger in the morning and ensure your strength in the afternoon. Cousins ​​said they lined up for such a poor meal, and they couldn’t leave the factory at noon, like prisoners. But I like these days and eat what I earn. After lunch, I took a short break and started working again. No one forced you. The salary was piecework, and I worked harder to get more. I think this is fair.

I also live in my own. The biscuit factory has dormitories, long rooms, double beds, fourteen people each, two bathrooms on the staircase entrance, two bathrooms, and the staircase entrance is full of people after work. Convenient for washing your hair. Accommodation is free, and you want to pay the accommodation fee, the cost is very cheap. In July and August, the dormitory is a steamer with many mosquitoes. Each bed has a mosquito net, and it is a steamer. The air and the floor are humid. My cousin asked me to live in her house. Last year, she built a two-story small building on the outskirts of a small town. There was no decoration, but it was clean and cool. But I was willing to live in the dormitory. I paid for the accommodation. The girls in the dormitory were just as secure as me.

During that time, the word of peace of mind made me angular.

I brought the easel to the dormitory, and the painting had different contents. I painted cakes, painted the girls in the dormitory, and found that when I painted these pictures, there was a lively life in it, which made me new and happy. The girl in the dorm was around, touching the easel and paint, staring at my painting. They asked me to give them portraits and sat excitedly at the easel, posing in what they thought was the best.

Slowly, they stopped me from drawing, some eyes were so small, some faces were crooked, some noses were so big, some mouths were so exaggerated, and some expressions were weird. In short, they painted people ugly. They don’t understand. I painted God. God is the most important thing for a person. I have to take a picture like a rigid picture. I didn’t export these words, they would hate me even more. Ever since I was disappointed in my paintings, they were annoyed at the sight of my easel, and mocked me for posing, but I thought they had no ideals.

Many years later, I suddenly realized that it should be my share of self-righteousness that hurt people first, just as I faced the county home, worried and shame. Getting along with the girls in the biscuit factory makes me feel at ease and thinks that I am superior. This entanglement was ridiculous and sad, and tripped me up.

At the end of the holiday, I received my salary, deducted the cost of meals and accommodation, and returned my cousin’s money. The rest was much less than expected. I walked down the dormitory building with my luggage and easel on my back. This small building has nothing to do with me anymore. I walked forward. My mind was filled with white mist. The mist ran into my eyes. I was standing at the crossroads. Which direction to go.

After going back to school, I became more lonely, active alone, alone, walking alone, and some of my classmates talked about me in the back, and also satirized me as a female Van Gogh, suspected that I had a problem, I did not explain, I feels good. When I did that “job”, it was even stranger in the eyes of my classmates.

I found the job by myself. I went to the Li Er small restaurant at the entrance of the school to wash the dishes, and only washed dinner. At dinner, the students with rich living expenses went out of school to improve their lives. The small restaurant needed temporary workers like me.

Every day from 5:30 to 7:30. After class, I rushed to the small restaurant and set up the tables and chairs. Some people came to eat at about six o’clock. I served dishes, delivered dishes, packed tables, and washed dishes. The vast majority of customers are school students, and their eyes follow me, and I smile at them. I will meet my classmates. Their surprise can’t be masked. I laughed and said I would serve you. I’m at ease, they are embarrassed. After working for a month, I bought several favorite pictures and a set of more pigments.

At half past seven, I cleaned the table, finished the dishes, received twelve yuan, and got a simple meal. I ran back to the classroom to study just after dinner. At 8:30 on the weekend, earn a few dollars more. The living expenses given by my mother can be saved. After a while, I will count the “property”. These properties give me a sense of uncertainty.

Before heading back to the hotel at 5:30 on the weekend, I either get lost in the city, sketch in the park, or read in the grove behind the library. Later, I met Luo Jian while sketching in the park.

During that time, I was fascinated by one of the park’s attractions. I painted that attraction for two consecutive weekends. One day, a figure was cast on the frame. I looked up and bumped into a smiling face, wearing a red volunteer hat, wearing Red volunteer vest.

With so many beautiful scenery, why paint the gloomy dark castle. he asks.

The scenic spot I painted is a stone building opposite the lake. In the shape of an old castle, dark gray and medieval style, it is actually a store selling souvenirs. I looked at it across the lake and forgot it was the storefront. Imagine it is a hidden castle. Under a certain mountain or a lake, it is mysterious, solid and undisturbed. I imagine that I am the owner of the castle.

He has the suspicion of deliberately talking, and the problem is very naive. I sketched in the park. Similar boys encountered more than one. But I smiled at him, and after speaking, I thought it was the most beautiful scenery. Probably because he had Zhang Yangguang’s face, I later admitted to him that he used people to pick people.

Luo Jian is a college student and the only university in that city. That day, he organized volunteer activities for members of the Student Union. He looked at me for half an hour, and I was still not disturbed by his gaze, and finally couldn’t help coming forward to show his existence.

Encounter is like a bad story in a TV series, but we cherish it very much and think it is special. At that time, I was a third-year teacher. He was one year older than me, and he was just a freshman. From the day we spoke to each other, we met in the park every weekend. I drew pictures, and he was reading a book or playing with a guitar. Later, on Saturday he accompanied me in the city and joked that our love was a real road crossing.

Near graduation, I mentioned breaking up. It is unrealistic between us. He has three years to learn and we will separate the two places. Luo Jian was angry and said that I don’t take the relationship between them seriously. I analyzed the status quo with him, and the two were impossible.

Are you anxious? He questioned me that you were just nineteen years old.

I need a house. I stared straight at him, it was only my own.

Luo Jian looked at me for a long time and said, I will buy a mountain for you and build a house on the mountainside-build an ancient castle.

I laughed and burst into tears.

Since then, I realized that these days of freedom and freedom will not always be there, and I will graduate. At that time, these days will be cut off without suspense, and I will be suspended again.

The strength of saving money disappeared.

It’s time for another holiday, and I will be arranged again.

My mother explained on the phone and went to the aunt’s house in Fengzhen on vacation. I want to say that I want to go home. I think of the two rented houses and the shed outside the house. The words went out like this: I don’t want to go to my aunt’s house. The mother didn’t answer. She knew I would go.

My aunt’s house has a small three-story building. I have a separate room. I put the box on the bedside table, I opened the box and closed the box to pick up things, and I still lived in a hotel.

My aunt is doing business in a field. My aunt will be on a business trip for half a month. My task is to take care of my two aunt’s two cousins ​​and second cousin. I told my mother that I wanted to pack cookies and didn’t want to be a nanny. The second cousin was only one year younger than me and the second cousin was three years younger than me. Can’t they take care of themselves.

The second cousin has never done housework, she has good grades, wants to read books, and learns to play the keyboard. As long as the second cousin doesn’t make trouble, it helps a lot. My task is to buy food, cook, mop the floor, do laundry, and be a companion to ensure that the second cousin and second cousin are not hungry and that the house is not full of garbage.

I’m going to wrap cookies. On the first night at my aunt ’s house, I called my mother. The second cousin could order fast food every day, and she would be hungry and undead.

The aunt who was about to go out said a lot of good things. She put a wallet on the table and said that the living expenses were adequately prepared. I would arrange what to eat. I can’t shake my head, she’s leaving tomorrow.

After sending away my aunt, I sat down in front of the keyboard, touched the black and white keys, and listened to them. I found a reason to stay here. For half a month, I believe I can learn to play simple tunes. There are many related books by the piano table. The second cousin’s expression was not right, let me get up, she played a piece of music like a stream. Addicted, I heard the second cousin explain, don’t touch the piano, do not understand, it will break. I went back to the gods and covered a flower cloth on the piano. I walked away.

Three days later, I found a job near my aunt’s house, bundled wires, and bundled a piece of wire with a plug into a neat grab. It is a manual workshop with only a few workers. The manual fee is very low, but it is very free. It doesn’t matter when you come and when you go, and how much you do.

Ten days later, my mother gave me some suggestions on the phone. I got up too early and bundled the wires by myself. The second cousin and the second cousin got cold when they got up; the food was not good, and I liked to buy what they like; There is too much meat, so how can the money left by my aunt be used so quickly.

That night, I only made egg fried rice. Second cousin Second cousin looked at me blankly, I shook the purse that my aunt kept, and said that the cost of food became their ice cream money, save a little.

The next day, I left before my second cousin and second cousin woke up, tied up the wages of the electric wires, and went to the county by car. There is an unfamiliar but beautiful scenic spot. With more than ten days’ wages and the money for washing dishes at school, I am very confident. I live in a farmer’s house, and carry an easel to sketch all day.

I hung up at the station and told my mother that I would go to a fellow practitioner and return when the Chinese New Year. Don’t look for me. Mother yelled on the phone, meaning I was broken.

My mother was wrong, I haven’t changed.

The next summer, I told my mother early that I had found a summer job.

A few days before the start of the summer vacation, I kept thinking about where I would go during the holidays. Two weeks before the summer vacation, I was looking for a summer vacation worker. I didn’t find one, and even small restaurants do n’t need any staff.

Fortunately, I have to stay two days at home in my classmates’ home. I have already signed up for a painting class and used up the money to wash dishes for a semester. Two days later, I heard that the Youth League Committee of the school was going to engage in activities. Some of the older brothers and sisters stayed. The school opened a few dormitories for them in the dormitory building above the cafeteria. A sister is from this city. I went home to live and gave me the bed.

I study painting during the day, go back to school at night, and distribute flyers on weekends. This is my best summer vacation, as long as I call my family every week and say that working is good.

The ideal life is too fast. After more than two weeks, the brothers and sisters of the Youth League Committee completed their tasks and the dormitory management office took back the dormitory. Sister asked me to go home. Regardless of whether the cost of painting could be refunded, I promised to return her to the bucket and pillow of the mat.

That day, I went back to school after painting and carrying a box. Fortunately, as I suspected, there are still many teachers living in the school, the cafeteria still has a window open, and the dormitory in the cafeteria must go upstairs. I went back to the dormitory where I lived and opened the dormitory door. Some time ago, my sister gave the dormitory key, and I hit it secretly.

I closed the door and thought in the dark. Was this illegal? What to do if found?

The floors above the cafeteria have been cut off, and they dare not open when there is power. The water was still there, and the door was half open while taking a shower, by the faint moonlight. I washed a bucket of cold water and then a bucket. The fan in the dormitory did not turn, and the wind outside refused to go in. I was sleeping like a hot film.

I lay down, thinking wildly. I mop the floor clean and sleep on the floor, hoping to be cold, and it would be more perfect if it was not so hot in summer. I bought a candle, I wanted to block the window with a newspaper, read a candle and read a book. In the end, I didn’t dare. If I leaked a little light, I would lose my place to stay. The night was very long. I went back to the dormitory after supper. I was afraid that I would meet the cafeteria teacher later. When I met the teacher who took a walk after dinner, the concierge would ask more. In short, it is safest to keep the box here. Sometimes I look out the window. Moonlight is in a daze, sometimes thinking about painting, sometimes leaving my mind so empty. A week later, I learned to fall asleep very early, wake up very early, and dawn early in summer. I drew by the window and thought I was too smart.

When I saw the iron bars of the cafeteria windows being painted, I felt wrong. I asked the paintbrush master whether the windows of the entire building should be refreshed. The master nodded, not only the windows, but also the iron bed. I pretended not to believe the news and still went to painting class. When I returned in the evening, many windows of the dormitory on the third floor had been brushed, and the doors of the dormitory had been opened. The beds in some dormitories had been newly painted and the doors were replaced with new locks. I live on the fifth floor. Tomorrow, at most the day after tomorrow, the door will be opened and my box will be found.

The drawing teacher stared at me for a long time while carrying a box the next day. I was ready and asked him cheekily after class to let me hang out in the studio all night.

During the break, Liu Wenqiao patted my suitcase and asked with a smile if I was going to elope. Liu Wenqiao was at the same level as me, in the class next door to me, met in the painting class, and appreciated each other’s paintings. I was silent for a while, pulled Liu Wenqiao aside, and secretly lived in the school dormitory. Now I can’t live anymore. Liu Wenqiao has relatives in the city. She lives with relatives. She grabbed my shoulder with one hand, won’t you go home?

I want to learn to paint.

What do you do now

I do not know.

How can you not know that you have nowhere to go at night.

I said with anger, it wouldn’t be a problem sleeping on the street, or hiding in the grove after a night in the school library.

Liu Wenqiao hit me on the arm, bit her lip and thought for a while, let me hang out with her relatives overnight.

I shook my head desperately. I least like relatives. I think I should tell Liu Wenqiao the idea of ​​staying in the studio, but I find that I have no courage to tell the teacher. I had a crazy idea. I could n’t try it overnight in the street. The city road was always awake. I could pretend to wait for a car with a suitcase and pretend to find a hotel.

That night, I dragged my suitcase and walked in the city in the middle of the night. Finally, I found a bush of trees on the grass by the road. The next day, Liu Wenqiao asked if I was staying in a hotel, and I nodded.

A week later, Liu Wenqiao and I lived together. When we walked into that room, Liu Wenqiao made a face at me and said that she had to thank me. If I didn’t force it, she wouldn’t run into this room and she wouldn’t be able to move out from the relatives’ house. The relatives are fine, but she doesn’t want to live any longer.

Our site. Liu Wenqiao turned around in the messy room and raised his hands, like winning a competition.

My summer vacation is legendary enough. I giggled.

It was Liu Wenqiao’s original idea. Her cousin was an employee of the writer’s bookstore. First she went to her cousin’s dormitory to squeeze. She asked for her cousin. According to the agreed time, I went downstairs to the dormitory of the writer’s bookstore. Liu Wenqiao’s cousin came down to pick it up and looked upstairs. He said that it was best to enter the dormitory at this time. The bookstore staff had dinner after changing shifts. Take a bath and no one will see me. If other employees knew and told the supervisor that they had lived in a dormitory, not only would I not be able to live, Liu Wenqiao’s cousin would also have to be approved. Three other people in the same dormitory, Liu Wenqiao’s cousin said something nice.

I feel sorry for Liu Wenqiao’s cousin, but I don’t have the courage to go back. I firmly remembered her account. I waited for the dormitory staff to come out after work in the morning, and then entered the dormitory after dinner. Do n’t go out when I entered. Try not to disturb the other three people in the dormitory.

A few days later, Liu Wenqiao’s cousin contacted a classmate and found the room where she is now. Her classmates originally opened an ice room in a nearby market and hired an employee. The two rented the room. A month ago, the ice room moved to another place. However, the room was paid for half a year’s rent in advance and had a one-month period. The electricity bill was stopped two months ago. The electricity has been cut off and water is still available. Liu Wenqiao’s cousin borrowed the house.

When I took the key from Liu Wenqiao’s cousin, I gazed at her, and I will remember this girl older than me, with a handsome face, long eyes, and white skin. For a few days when I lived in her dormitory, she said good things to her roommate to accompany her with a smiley face, and she squeezed me into her bed and gave me breakfast.

Liu Wenqiao followed me and said that he would suffer with me.

Liu Wenqiao and I went to the market every night to find cheap fast food, lit candles and read pictures in the house, and made fun of each other’s sweat. We have less and less money at hand, and the two of them put together the cost of living. Drink soy milk in the morning to eat oil cakes, make instant noodles at noon, eat fast food at night, and bring water from a painting studio with a thermos cup.

Eating instant noodles, I joked with Liu Wenqiao, and our little days were very moist.

The summer vacation was almost over. I hung up the phone at home. My mother told me that the house was rented again. She said a direction from left to right. My head was dizzy and I couldn’t figure out the direction.

Liu Wenqiao fell asleep. I walked to the window. The window was the wall of another building. It was hard black. I stared at the black and tried to imagine what my newly rented house looks like. Where is it?

three

The iron gate was closed, the teacher and the students were gone, quiet like a huge cloud, falling from the sky, and covering the school. I stood on the second floor and looked at the iron gate, which separated me from the outside.

The four-story, two-story building of this elementary school is surrounded by a regular rectangle, with a playground in the middle and a rectangular sky. The four-story corridor is connected. I walked down the corridor one classroom after another, with the same tables and chairs, the same blackboard, and the same podium. I went downstairs and touched the iron door to get out of my mind. I can go out by opening the iron door. Outside is a world I do n’t know. I have no interest in knowing that world, but the eyes of that world will stare at me piece by piece.

I went to the middle of the playground and began to sing. The song bounced back from the building on all sides. The sound became fragmented, messy and weird. I was scared and hurried upstairs.

My room is on the east side of the second floor, the toilet is on the west side of the building, and the toilet has to go through the long corridor, passing through one dark window after another. I subconsciously avoided those windows and tried to look towards the playground. The playground has moonlight. The classroom The silent tables and chairs in the silent darkness are a bit weird.

The first thing he did when he reported to the school was to live on campus. The principal frowned, his face awkward.

The school is located in the most concentrated place in the township. Students and teachers are not small. Most of them are local. Except me, the farthest teachers live in town. The principal said that the school never arranged for teacher accommodation.

My home is in the county seat, more than two hours’ drive, there are no relatives and friends nearby, and no one rents a house in the village. Even if I can borrow a house in the village, I will not live there.

The principal asked the director to take me around the school, one circle downstairs and one circle upstairs, which meant that I knew the actual conditions myself. There are several teacher offices on each floor, and each has several teacher offices. I stopped at the office on the east side of the second floor, which is close to the class I teach.

The director transferred a teacher from the office, reduced one desk, and moved the other desks out, freeing up half of them to make me a bed. The teacher in charge of logistics remembered that there was a high cabinet in the brigade room and put me clothes. A few male teachers moved the cabinet, separated the office in half, blocked my bed, and pulled up half the curtain. The office space was my personal space.

This section of space is about ten square meters, and all my belongings are stored, except the iron box that is placed in the fellow. Beautiful cartoons are posted on the door of the cabinet, a bright landscape picture is hung on the bed, a wind chime is hung on the window next to the bed, a square high stool is placed at the end of the bed, a wooden ornament is placed, and a folk cloth doll is placed on the bed. A dozen square meters.

My room-in those years, I called me a dozen or so square meters, at that time, I imagined that it would always be there.

The only dissatisfaction is that others are curious about these ten square meters. The teacher in the office walked in and observed the decoration on the bedside, confused by the strange shape, and even confused by me; or the doll on the bed was not as beautiful as the trendy doll. , Doubt my aesthetic ability; or touch my bed quilt, winter is too thin, pity I will not take care of myself. And students, come to hand in homework or ask questions, stand at the desk, stretch the neck, and try to explore the world behind the curtain. I am the only teacher living at school. The teacher ’s life is so close and so mysterious. .

After working for one year, my mother still wanted to get rid of me. She wanted to find a reliable place for me. It was the result of my mischief to come to this school.

After graduation, I should reasonably go back to my home school. At that time, I realized that my hukou was still in my hometown. That is to say, I have been walking around outside for so many years. I didn’t actually get out of the village. I don’t want to go back to my hometown. After a few months of internship in my hometown school, this idea became more firm.

During my internship in my hometown, I lived in Sanbo’s house. The wall of my house was cracked, and the door was rotten. Uncle moved to the town, and Er Bo went out alone many years ago. It must be the far door, so that he has never returned home. Only San Bo is still in his hometown. My aunt three prepared new seats and quilts for me. I ran to the village market every day to buy fish, and I learned that I was uncomfortable. When I was young, my cousin and I went crazy in her house, eating all the things I could get. She scolded me, just like scolding my cousin. Speaking of this to Auntie, she shook her head, how could she still be like before. My chest is stuffy.

When they first arrived, they walked to each house as explained by their mothers. The familiar Abo Uncle Am Amu was wrinkled by the years, and the fireworks days accumulated a deep confusion in their eyes. They became careful in the vicissitudes of the world. Give me tea, borrow my work, and fall into silence. I stretch my body and smile in the silence. I want to tell them inexplicably that my hukou is still in the village. But I’m not sure what the real meaning of the hukou is, the book in my mother’s hand? Or something else.

Walking through the alleys in the village, the faces of the seniors are familiar, but all they see are strange, the faces of the children are strange, and the strange faces have something I am familiar with. I see how I looked when I was a kid, but Not the same, there are almost no silent fathers and no mothers all day long in their homes. They are calling grandpa and grandma for dinner. The confusion in their eyes surprised me. My childhood friend grew up and became a fish, swimming into the sea of ​​the city, trying to find suitable waters. My walk in the village became a weird existence, inexplicably ashamed, like an athlete, everyone went I ran forward and I still squatted.

Zhaizi couldn’t stay, so he went for a walk in the field every dusk. For field walks, I still retain my childhood romantic imagination, about labor, about the wing of time, and about worldly warmth. This kind of romantic imagination soon became ridiculous. The fields are broken. The fields that have lived for thousands of years are getting old in recent years. The grasslands are spreading like plagues. The land with long grains is shrinking day by day. They endure the siege of grass and birds. I suddenly discovered that there was a kind of barrenness on the faces of Zhaili people, similar to the fields. I think that if there is no human, this kind of long grass is a kind of prosperity. Humans make this vitality into a desolate, it is really a strange species, and it will bring life or desolation to this world. Thinking wildly, the darkness of the night surrounded me, and I was so breathless that I didn’t know which direction to take.

Excluding home school, mothers agree.

The county seat is of course the best choice. The environment is good, the treatment is good, and the prospect is good. He said with great effort that he would go around and let me stay in the county seat. I rejected this suggestion. The refusal simply made the mother and uncle incredible, and what made the mother unacceptable was that I could not explain why. After scolding me, persuading me, begging me, and the Cold War, all were invalid, my mother thought that my temper had changed, and I smiled.

Another option is our town. There is an uncle in the town. The town center is not far from the town center where the aunt is located. The motorcycle can be reached within half an hour.

I didn’t want to stay in the town. I chose Fenggang Township. It belongs to a strange town, a town that doesn’t rely on my hometown, a town that doesn’t rely on my aunt, and is farther away from the county seat.

You just want to stay away from home. Mother rubbed her red nose and said.

Mother finally said the right thing.

I told my father about my decision. My father didn’t say anything. When I gave up my hometown, my father followed me.

Fenggang Township belongs to Hushan Town. I was holding a bunch of certificates from the teacher, and I took the part-time money to buy the tea leaves. I went to the person in charge of Hushan Town Education Group and asked Hushan Town Education Group to take me in.

The first winter vacation after becoming a teacher, I lived in my own home. The house I rented again was still wet and dim, but with enough rooms, the older sister went to work in the city again.

On that winter vacation, my father and mother kept arguing around the incident.

There is a house in the building where the Qiang family is located. A few years later, the city has grown again. That building is no longer the most upscale area in the county. The original residents moved to a more dynamic place. The owner is ready to move to a new house. I know the owner and can negotiate a low price. Mother meant to buy the house with her money. She had seen the house, it was in the right place, the house was right, the house was in the right layout, the decoration was new, and the number of rooms was just enough for the family to live in.

My father wanted to return to his hometown.

When her mother heard her hometown, she jumped up and raised her voice. I think the word “hometown” definitely reminds her of her previous days. She summed up those days like this: It was not a human life. Is your day in the county seat good? I asked my mother to live in such a rented house and do that kind of work. My mother did not answer me. She talked about the county seat, about the day, about the people, about the building, and about the future. From the county seat, she talked about larger cities, such as the city when I was a teacher, or even the city where my sister worked. city.

I will not return to that village if I die. The mother threw a word to the father.

In childhood, my father and mother were noisy, but my father’s words were important, and my mother always followed her father’s wishes. After entering the county, his father became more and more silent. When he had to talk to others, don’t bite a few dialects or Mandarin in the county. The mother talked too much, and the father rarely refuted.

My father mentioned the town and bought a house in the county town. When he returned to the town, he could set up a small two-story building. The downstairs was his work room, and he lived upstairs. He was still well-known in the town and could live.

The mother sneered, and the father had very little life. Now the craftsmanship is useless, the furniture from the furniture factory is beautiful and cheap, and there are so many engineering teams in the town and county, and it is difficult for my father to get a cup.

It is also good to open a tea shop in town. I do n’t know how my father who has worked as a carpenter for a lifetime mentioned this, and he also lost confidence in the future of carpenters.

The mother gave a colder smile.

There is a house in our house, a house in the city. Mother murmured on the phone.

The family bought the second-hand house and borrowed money from relatives.

I do n’t know how to answer, or how to organize my emotions. I am not happy or disappointed, I have no idea, but I am a little confused and ca n’t find the reality.

My mother told me to go home next Wednesday and enter the house.

The night before I went home, my mother pulled me around every corner of the house. The decoration of the house did not change, and the furniture and household appliances left by the homeowner were also used. The mother said that the decoration was still very trendy, and the furniture and household appliances were much better than the original home. Brother like her, that’s because we have no money to get a new one.

As the mother said, the house is good and the rooms are adequate. Each of our sisters and brothers is spacious and bright, with beds, cabinets and desks.

How, what, right? Mother waved her hand and stared at my reaction.

well. I am seeking truth from facts, but the tone is definitely not what my mother expected. She patted my arm and said that I was stupid.

I do n’t know how to react, I ’m still not disappointed and unhappy. This house is very strange. I ca n’t get used to this is my home. I try to adapt myself to the fact that my house has a house in the county seat.

The days in the new house are clean and refreshing. My father can hardly receive the work at home. He is often called by some contractors to work. The house is very quiet. The mother grinds soybean milk in the morning, squeezes fruit juice after lunch, and watches TV at night. While making tea, live a very elegant day. Perhaps, in the eyes of my mother, this is close to the days of the people in the city.

The bed was comfortable, but I always dreamed. I dreamed of a person who was the original owner of the house and said that I had occupied his room. I explained that the house had been bought by my house, and the man didn’t care, but emphasized that this was his house, and I occupied his room. He repeated, persistent and monotonous, until I woke up. As soon as I went to sleep, the figure reappeared, and the sentence rang again.

I dare not tell my mother that the dream is simple, but it is weird, and I am afraid to scare my mother. I will never understand how many years my mother dreamed of such a house.

I suddenly wanted to ask my father if he would have a similar dream. I feel like my father has been sleeping in this house.

Tomorrow will start on May 1st. Luo Jian will come tonight. I will work hard in the morning to finish my homework and prepare for next week’s class. In this way, we will have two full days.

We’ll be preparing dinner together tonight, and that alone excites me. Usually, the school cafeteria manages Chinese food. In the morning, I either make instant noodles or buy something early. I leave the cafeteria with a bowl of rice at noon and deal with it in the evening. Scribbled meals always reminded me of some instability.

Before Luo Jian came, I went to the market to buy dinner. Near the school is the largest market in the township. After I arrived at this school, my mother came and said happily that what I want to eat is very convenient. Don’t be lazy. Just a few steps after school. I nodded, but if it were not for Luo Jianlai, I would not go to the market. Of course, I had to go shopping, first think about what to buy, go to the nearest stall, take it and leave, which should be said to be a runaway.

I walked into the market, and I glanced over. The stall owner, the noodle shop owner, the shopkeeper, hello, teacher. I promised that my back was numb. Those inquisitive, curious and curious, a foreign teacher was strange? Some female stall owners told me how to prepare the dishes and told me what to do, and persuaded me to make more delicious food for myself. They stared at my small, yellow face and thin arms, enthusiastically wandering around. In this thick attention, I feel hot all over. When I came out of the market, I breathed a sigh of relief. I’m a stranger here, but it’s also related to my nervousness.

Fireworks days have nothing to do with me, but I live in fireworks.

The school is half surrounded by Chen Xia Village, across the short wall, which is the alley in the village. The days in the village are rising from the windows, the smell of food, the complex taste of domestic animals, or the smell of dry or wet roof tiles. The villagers are talking about the sky, quarreling, talking about the world, and the children are running, fighting for some kind of toys, and indulging in Some kind of game, the motorcycle passed, the bicycle bell rang, and there was a car in a certain house …

This firework day is so close to me and so far away. I am in the crowd, but wrapped in a transparent film. I look at them, they look at me.

very lonely.

When the moon was rising, I moved a chair and sat in the hallway, letting the loneliness penetrate the skin and muscles, or thinking about the moon, or letting my brain go blank, or smearing the colors on the drawing paper by moonlight.

I’m afraid the weather is bad.

When the weather was bad, I was trapped in the room, and the fireworks outside the window were put out by wind and rain.

On a stormy night, the room flew into a group of unknown bugs, gray and black bodies, long wings, and a large number, which seemed strange. I pulled back in the corner of the room, shrank into a ball, buried my head and face in my arm circles, and told myself that the bugs just came in to hide from the rain and wind, hoping that we could live in peace, but I couldn’t help but look up at them, they stopped on the wall, the cabinet On the desk, flying around in the air, slowly invading my corner.

I yelled, hoping to scare away the worms. After the sore throat made me laugh, I laughed, covered my face with a smile, my nose and eyes were sore and painful. Solitude finally hurt me, I miss Luo Jian.

In that kind of weather, I really want to talk to Luo Jian.

I put on my raincoat, put on an umbrella, opened the iron door, and walked to the public phone booth on the side of the road. At the other end of the phone, the teacher who managed the dormitory shouted Luo Jian to listen to the phone, I waited. Luo Jian finally came, panting. Suddenly, I didn’t know what to say. I held back the soreness in my nose, tossed a few gossips, ended the call, and went back to school under the storm.

After I worked, Luo Jian came to me on weekends as long as there was no school activity.

He came and the whole school was mine and him. I also went out to play. There are villages, fields, and bamboo forests that Luo Jian likes nearby, but I can’t imagine how we passed through the look outside the school and how to accept the examination of those faces. Those faces and eyes are the strangest in the familiar. We rode bicycles to town and walked through town streets and crowds, and I felt safe and free.

Luo Jian loves to talk about our future and has made various plans. I do n’t like to talk about the future. I do n’t have a sense of security and no place to live. His home is in the countryside far from the city. His brother has his own business and lives in a big city. He does n’t know where to live after graduation. I’m here.

Luo Jian asked me to wait.

I don’t like to wait. I have a lot of love with Luo Jian. Every night I watched Luo Jian’s message waiting for BP. I saw the message and left the school gate. I rode to the phone booth outside the village to call Luo Jian. Luo Jian waited for my call in the dormitory communication room. Sometimes other students happened to be Call and I will call once.

Waiting for Luo Jian to come this weekend, he told me in advance that I would wait as soon as I got the news. After school on Friday, the school was quiet and I waited for the iron gate to be knocked. Luo Jian usually leaves at four in the afternoon, takes fifteen minutes to the station, takes a two-hour car to town, and takes a thirty-minute tricycle. If it is smooth, he can arrive before seven. Before seven o’clock, I was doing my own thing, very calm. After seven o’clock, the iron door didn’t ring. I started to stand and walk in the corridor, and I went to the iron door again and again to listen to the movement.

Luo Jian has class tonight? Waiting too long? The car is not on time? What activity was held up? The BP machine is quiet and has no messages. What happened to him? Will not. Will he change his mind? impossible.

Yu Hui exited the school inch by inch, falling into the playground layer by layer at night, and the depressed dark color infiltrated into my chest little by little, and became a ball, which made me breathless. I complain about Luo Jian, why not on time? Stuck by what? There are things you can tell me, if not, I won’t wait. Moon has risen to the top of the Phoenix tree, I scolded Luo Jian, scolded him for lack of heart and lungs, and scolded him for talking. I cried while holding the pillars in the corridor. I quickly wiped away my tears and hated myself like this.

Later, we all had mobile phones. When we first got mobile phones, we thought we would never be farther away. Luo Jian was in class and couldn’t talk. Luo Jian was in activities and couldn’t talk. Luo Jian was studying in the evening and couldn’t talk. I carried my mobile phone, like a rope, which led Luo Jian’s information, far and close, specious, but bound me tightly. What is the end of Luo Jian and I, I never knew.

Very tired.

At half past eight, the iron door rang. I stood next to the iron door with my ears against the iron door. The sharp iron sound made my ears hurt, and I still heard Luo Jian’s rapid gasping sound. I quickly ran up to the second floor, standing in the corridor listening to the iron gate banging, even feeling that the iron gate was shaking under Luo Jian’s fist.

Luo Jian’s cell phone came over, and my cell phone was tuned into vibration. For insurance purposes, I ran into the room and got the call.

I told Luo Jian that I’m a fellow student in the next town. I’m staying with a fellow student this weekend. I asked Luo Jian to go back to the city. Don’t come over next week. The school sent me to study next weekend. I want to go to sketch the next weekend …

Luo Jian cut off my words, I’ll go to you.

I am a fellow student, you are not convenient to come.

Tell me which town you are in. We’ll see you at your doorstep.

I asked Luo Jian to go back.

Luo Jian advised me, begged me, and shouted at me, I just let him go back. His angry and sad roar rang at the phone and outside the school. I know, there is an ear outside the school listening to him, countless mouths guessing about him and me, I don’t care.

Luo Jian said that he had injured his foot and walked very slowly, so he was late. I feel bad for him, but it’s not because he’s late tonight, it’s really more than that. Luo Jian could not hear.

I turned off the phone.

After half an hour, there was no sound outside the iron gate. I covered my mouth and put my horn in my throat.

I stood in the middle of the playground, immersed in the moonlight, and the trees around it rang, and the trees suddenly shook branches and leaves, the treetops bent towards me, greeted me, and sent me some kind of invitation.

I stretched my hands and raised my neck. My hands were slightly itchy, and my fingers sprung up, silvery white, and the buds slowly grew into leaves, which became shiny green. Then, the arms, shoulders, and neck began to sprout and grow leaves. Branches grew on the body and legs. The branches and leaves grew layer by layer. I grew into a tree with bright green branches and leaves waving in the moonlight. Moonlight became my nutrition, and the trees around me shook the branches and leaves violently, congratulating me.

That biggest phoenix tree moved, and when I came to me for a moment, it behaved strangely, moving and floating, and it made me follow. I haven’t heard back yet, my body was light, and it floated into the air. Several trees around me became translucent, and their branches and leaves were entangled into a shelf and supported me. I heard a magnolia saying that she was a drag. I glanced down. The bodies of the trees were still standing around the playground, dark and hard, like the shells left by a cicada.

Go back in time. I wonder which tree was proposed.

I felt a sharp spin. The Phoenix Tree made me close my eyes. I wanted to see what was going on, but the wind was so strong that I couldn’t open my eyes. Open your eyes when the wind stops, the world becomes strange, no lights, no buildings, no roads, no cars, no people! The moon is bright. I see huge woods, sturdy plants, wild beasts, and then I see people, wearing animal skins, holding wooden sticks and running. A certain ancient park?

The real past. Fenghuangshu said that at that time, human beings could live wherever they could go. There were no houses, but everything was theirs.

I know all this history. I said, but they need holes, they need sheds, and then they need houses.

Phoenix, she still doesn’t understand. Magnolia said scornfully.

Look at her fortune. Fenghuang Shu said, walking forward can’t see clearly, walking far away.

There was another rotation, and when it calmed down again, there was no sound around, nothing was visible, not darkness, empty, boundless and empty, am I in a nightmare? Looking desperately, there was nothing except the trees around and distant stars. The mysterious space in the movie appeared in my mind, and trembling, asking where it was.

Magnolia said it didn’t know that it was somewhere in space anyway.

I scream, I want to go back.

Back to where?

Back to earth. I’m hysterical.

She mentioned the earth this time, big enough. I vaguely heard Magnolia said.

Stuck in rotation again.

We re-suspended over the school, I fixed my mind and said to Phoenix Tree, can I go and see in the future? About me, about this world.

The phoenix tree shook its treetops. In the future, we will not be bottomed, and the soil will be covered by many things. Who knows if there will be our soil in the future. There was an unbearable sadness in Phoenix Tree’s tone. What I was about to say, they threw me on the ground.

I shouted and shouted in the school for a long time, full of moonlight on the playground, the trees around it were silent, the breeze blew, and my forehead started to sweat coldly, and fell to the ground, my head faint.

Later, I painted myself into a tree, title: People Tree.

At the end of the semester, the school announced a great news. Several entrepreneurs in the township were preparing to rebuild the school. The two-story teaching building will become four-story. The school teaching work will continue. The playground set up some temporary wooden houses to arrange some students, and teachers crowded into the remaining offices.

In the evening, I sat in the corridor in the middle of the night and started packing. Compared with when I first entered school two years ago, there are more things and two boxes are needed. The two boxes were brought home. Except for a few sets of changing clothes, I never took out the things. The mother had a lot of opinions and said that she had to leave at any time.

I really have to go.

I resigned from public office and carried the suitcase to the city where my elder sister was. She saw a job offer from a private school and I was going to try it. My mother was still lying on the bed. I told my brother to take care of her, and I dared not expect that she would forgive me.

I told Luo Jian to go to the strangest place. It might not be easy to walk or the sky might be wide. Luo Jian said I was impulsive again. I said, the human tree only needs a little dirt and a little moonlight. Luo Jian said he didn’t understand, and he didn’t understand me more and more.