Compulsive repetition in marriage

Liang Yutong has been married for 9 years, and her husband Zhang Tao is unemployed. Zhang Tao is not lazy. Every time he loses his job, either because the company closes or the entire department is abolished, Liang Yutong has no choice but to endure silently.

Three years ago, Zhang Tao’s company moved to another place. He was unemployed for the sixth time, and he has not found a suitable job until now. Liang Yutong is worried every day because of economic pressure, but Zhang Tao is not at all active in finding a job. He seldom goes out to see friends, and he doesn’t worry about housework and children. He plays games online every day. Liang Yutong quarreled with Zhang Tao many times, hoping that he could find a job as soon as possible or share more housework. Zhang Tao was either silent to the point, or angrily said that she “looks down on people” and “snobbish”. It really hurts her husband’s self-esteem too much, not to mention that she feels wronged and anxious, Liang Yutong sometimes really wants to divorce.

Recognize compulsive repetition

Zhang Tao’s repeated unemployment is actually a forced repetition. The definition of compulsive repetition in psychology is that people keep repeating similar traumatic events or situations to bring themselves back to the traumatic situation of childhood, and try to use the adult self to rewrite the traumatic situation in order to get imagination What is different from the ending at the time. As a common psychological phenomenon, the reason why compulsive repetition is ignored by the public is that it is often rationalized as life events. For example, Zhang Tao’s normal unemployment is apparently due to bad luck, but the truth is that he finds it every time. Jobs will follow a familiar taste and apply to companies that are on the verge of bankruptcy or departments with overcapacity. He subconsciously desires to use his own efforts to change the outcome of “disintegration” and “failure”, or to change the feeling of “incompetence” and “worthlessness”.

Compulsive repetition also occurs in marriage patterns. When Liang Yutong was a child, her mother was frail and sickly. As the eldest daughter of the family, she took on a lot of housework and caring for her younger brother. This kind of growth experience made her too empathetic and tolerated the repeated unemployment of her husband for a long time. In other words, she is also compulsively repeating her childhood trauma-Zhang Tao is like her disabled mother, and she is in a situation where she sympathizes and understands her mother, but she is not cared for.

Only by linking recurring life situations with unconscious psychology can Zhang Tao and Liang Yutong find the direction to completely solve the problem.

Change, start from yourself

Whenever the marriage relationship is in trouble, people always feel that the problem lies with the partner, and it seems that as long as the partner changes, the problem can be solved. For example, Liang Yutong feels that as long as her husband can find a job, her pain will disappear. But the truth is that if she continues to over-take family responsibilities, Zhang Tao will continue to implement the ostrich policy and stay in his comfort zone.

If Liang Yutong can realize that it is her long-term tolerance and understanding that has caused their marriage relationship to fall into the imbalance of pay, she will know that Zhang Tao needs to be pushed out and asked him to do what he should do. Zhang Tao is not her frail and sickly mother, but a healthy adult, the male owner of a family, her husband, and the father of the child. He is fully capable of shouldering family responsibilities. Moreover, she also needs to help Zhang Tao realize that as an adult, only by assuming her own responsibilities can she find true self-esteem and self-confidence.

So, what exactly should she do?

First of all, the wife must change her strategy, show her weakness to her husband, and cry out her grievances and pain. Since the two have been married for 9 years, Liang Yutong has also given so much to the family, Zhang Tao must have a lot of affection for her. When he sees his wife suffering so much because of his long-term unemployment, it is impossible to remain indifferent. Liang Yutong’s weakness will inevitably arouse his desire to become stronger.

Secondly, long-term unemployment has seriously affected Zhang Tao’s self-confidence, so he should be encouraged in time. As long as Zhang Tao has a little willingness or action to find a job, Liang Yutong should express his appreciation and affirmation in time, celebrate his even minor progress, and thank him for his efforts to resolve family pressure.

Finally, when the husband’s state is relatively stable, the wife also has to talk to him about compulsive repetition, and share her thoughts and analysis with him. At the same time, it is clearly stated that if Zhang Tao does not work hard to change this problem, it will affect her love and respect, which will be detrimental to the development of their family, and will also affect Zhang Tao’s personal professional confidence and career development.