The reason why I am very upset is that my dreams that I planned hard and dared to implement have come to nothing. Originally, I mean originally, if the “Mian Le Ning” I took was a genuine and fun thing, then now, I should get what I want. Yes, I should live in the next life, eternal life, life after life in hell as I wish…
I need to think seriously about how I was deceived. Although I have never lost a hand during my deception career for more than 20 years, I fell into the hands of a psychological counselor named Wu Xiaoliang last night.
“Dear’Snyder, swallow them, they will make you wish. If you wake up and you are still alive, then come back here, let’s live together!”
Before I swallowed those little white pills, Wu Xiaoliang kissed me fiercely with her plump and sexy lips. At that time, I was stunned by this sudden joy, which made me fall into a never-before-seen joy. In the furry happiness that I have experienced. That was the first time that I madly and truly possessed a woman, and possessed an intellectual woman who was beautiful, educated, and cultivated. I dare to say frankly that it feels better than any lucrative deception. I am very proud of the awe-inspiring and easy-going performance I have shown when I contribute to the “boyhood”.
Now, I am lying on the grass by the Qili River like a happy beggar. Compared with the liar walking on the blade, the beggar’s business is obviously much more stable. Although, no one would think of me as a liar, because I am not only well-dressed, but also the facial organs are very competitive. It is no exaggeration to say-it is more masculine than the men under the scalpel of Korean plastic surgeons .
At this moment, my head seemed to be tightly stuffed with a mass of torn cotton, and all I could feel was the gray void and naked chaos. This is the true feeling of people who have “dead” once. I pledged with the conscience of a professional liar who prepared a golden basin to wash his hands yesterday, “The feeling of happiness is probably like this.” However, this state of happiness only lasted for less than ten minutes. When I was still closing my eyes in this vast void and chaos, suddenly, some familiar and unfamiliar houses and relatives appeared again like mirages.
For twenty years, I have crushed my memories of my hometown and relatives into pieces with the boulder of hatred. I reject them, as strongly as I reject all good things. But now, they appeared irresistibly, and after a shameful tremor passed, the long-lost intimacy surged.
The memory before the age of five or six is vague, but one thing is that the lazy “one-armed Liu” and the stealing “dumb three” are my father and mother. This is undoubtedly a firm fact. I have never been angry or ashamed because of my parents’ disability, nor have I resented or felt inferior because of lack of food or clothing. The people who really push me into the abyss are the folks who often come to my house to ruin the cabinets. Although they often give me food and clothing, they are my loved ones, but it is they who made me fall into the abyss of darkness.
My mother “Dumb San” stubbornly likes the pickling business of “stealing”. Her sunken eyes will give off a frightening brilliance as soon as she succeeds. This brilliance encourages her actions like a smoke screen. No one has caught the “current” of my mother’s “dumb three”. But anyone who has lost something can find the stolen goods in my house. Alas, it’s really hard to be a fool who can’t speak and has unsound intelligence.
His father “One-Armed Liu” was lazy, but he was a serious gentleman. The notion of “shame of stealing” turned him into an angry beast after the neighbors ransacked the cabinets. After the neighbors left, his animalism immediately broke out. Every time, he slowly latched the two wooden doors, and kept turning his back on the floor of the house. Usually, the mother shivered with fright at this time. Before the punishment officially began, her throat would utter a weird wailing, like a new year pig being pressed against a stone slab by a knife.
“Sit there!” My father touched the kang with his finger when he spoke to me. At this time, I know that the time has come for a child to observe the “performance”. He never cared about how cruel this “performance” was to me in the growth period, let alone how this cruel “performance” would hurt my heart. “Sit there!” Father gave the command again. I sat obediently on the edge of the kang by the window. Although the angle of view was tilted, it did not prevent me from seeing the whole scene of my mother being beaten. I couldn’t do anything, neither dared to escape, nor did I dare to help my mother who was in desperate situation, so I could only watch. Now I think that maybe it was these ugly scenes that changed me and made me embark on this unforgettable road, and it took me more than 20 years to go.
Shoe soles, nylon ropes, wooden sticks, and iron pots are my father’s favorite instruments of torture. Apart from holding them smoothly, I think it’s also because these things are not valuable, even if they are broken. A slacker living in a poor valley is always good at making careful calculations of “cost”. I have seen my father smash the cooking wok on the back of his mother because of excessive irritation. Just as the mother screamed like a ghost, the wok cracked in half with a “pop”. And his father’s face twitched violently, and tears rolled down the dense folds of his face. The pain he showed made me disgusted, because he clearly used enough strength when beating his mother, and his face was filled with satisfaction and joy. After many years, I realized that it was not real satisfaction and happiness, but another expression of despair and pain.
When I was eight years old, I went to elementary school. It seemed to me that they were a group of children with superior intelligence. I could hardly keep up with them even with my best efforts. I know a few numbers to some extent, but I can’t tell the big numbers above a hundred. The reason why I am willing to go to school for nothing is because I can avoid watching the thrilling “performances.” In fact, “shows” happen almost every two or three days. However, my father slightly adjusted the time of the “performance”. I judged from my mother’s injury that the way my father punishes his mother has changed-he even burnt his mother with dry cigarette butts, and he likes the apricot flower-like pattern!
At first, I felt sorry for my mother, and pityed her. Later, I grew bored, as if my mother, who was struggling and howling under his father’s one arm, was a stranger who had nothing to do with me. Later, I hope that my mother will die like those bugs that can’t stand frost. Even if there are no more delicious sweet potato vine porridge, hand-rolled noodles with scallion and yellow corn dough, I sincerely hope that she will die as soon as possible. But the mother’s vitality is terribly tenacious, and her persistent stealing behavior is also terribly tenacious. She never associates being beaten with stealing, and she never reflects like a normal person. She worked tirelessly and happily around the hometown, with a pair of keen eyes scanning other people’s houses, food, clothing, farm tools and other things that could be obtained in the house. She will hold small things like money tightly in the palm of her hand; thin materials like underwear and summer clothes will be tucked at the waist or crotch; like some large objects that are inconvenient to carry, she will hide in advance in what she thinks is safe. Place, when the night is heavy, then you can take it home openly.
I tried to persuade and educate my mother “Dumb Three”, but she was not sensitive to any of my expressions and paintings. She just looked at me silly and smirk gently, smiled to the point of emotion, and stretched out the dirty one. The thief’s hand touched my face. Once I turned away angrily, she cried in panic, and I had to turn around to comfort her.
The neighbors at the foot of the Southern Taihang Mountains were not too harsh on an inexperienced child. They gave me food and clothing as always. I naively imagined that if I could become an emperor in the future, I would distribute the land and wealth of the world to them in order to repay them for their kind deeds to me. But this wish was quickly shattered by my unbelievable IQ. At the age of eleven, after repeating three consecutive grades, I had to drop out of the permanent second grade. The empty world was spread in front of me like the sky. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I despise the laziness and viciousness of my father “One-armed Liu”, and I do not look down upon my mother “Dumb San” who likes to take other people’s property as his own. After a long and difficult consideration, I feel that laziness is shameful, stealing is hateful, and deception may be “noble”, after all, this requires a lot of intellectual investment. And those who are unfortunately deceived are defeated by excessive stupidity or the mentality of taking advantage of themselves-they are punished as they deserve. But I have been unable to make up my mind. My father and mother have already made me feel ashamed. What I should do is to fight against this shame, not to make this shame darker. What motivated me to make up my mind was that the children of the same age would whirl at me happily with their tongues after licking the sorbet, and their eyes radiated an enchanting air madly. At that time, I had the determination and courage to be a professional liar. Soon, my grandmother, aunt, aunt, and fellow villagers who sympathized with me were deceived by me all over the place. They believe me too easily, and I can fool them around by just making up things.
They are so easy to be deceived! This is beyond my expectation. I am not stingy with this little money that I got without work, usually, I will squander it in a day or two. In this way, even if they react, they will not be able to recover the slightest loss. In less than a year, I almost became the smelliest, worst and most shameless trash thing in the eyes of relatives, friends and neighbors. I know that in their eyes, I am more hateful than the weasel who steals chickens, the rice weevil and wild boar who spoil food. Once, I wanted to get some money from my grandmother to buy a pair of old sneakers at my village’s Ma Liu grandma’s house, because the cloth shoes on my feet were completely damaged by the water. But as soon as I walked outside the fence of my grandmother’s house, she suddenly picked up a broom and waved it at me. She was old, and this meaningless antics drained her energy. After a few minutes, she had to stand still and snorting and breathing hard. “You bastard bastard who has suffered a thousand knives, don’t you see me…” When my grandmother scolded me, her face became blue-purple. She gritted her teeth and looked like a madman. She should hate me for the bone marrow. At that time, I didn’t wait for her to scold the last few words and I jumped out of sight. I didn’t dare to stand in front of her again until she lay down on the door in an expensive shroud.
My “one-armed Liu” father contracted esophageal cancer when I was thirteen years old. I am secretly happy that a man like him who can only beat women is not worthy to live long. Sure enough, after only two or three months, he died. Strange to say, my “dumb three” mother turned out to be very sad. Without the torture of “One-Armed Liu” father, the mother no longer went to the village to steal. She spends most of her time on her father’s grave, sometimes not coming back at night. Finally, on a stormy night, she fell and drowned in a shallow puddle on the way to her father’s grave.
I immediately became an orphan. Almost all my neighbors and relatives have tried my conspiracy no less than three times. I didn’t expect to be able to squeeze any more oil from them. But their compassion suddenly flooded unscrupulously. Suddenly, rice noodles, oil, salt, clothing and footwear filled my bleak and bleak room, which had never been so richly filled when my parents were alive. I almost spent more than half a year of worry-free time. I know that the charity of my relatives will not last long, just like my father’s love for me, gradually changing from a log to a piece of paper that is as crisp and thin as a piece of paper. In order to be better at returning to my old business in the near future, I learned a lot of new tricks about deception from the TV of the uncle next door, and engraved them one by one in my head. Sure enough, the goodwill of the neighbors and relatives disappeared. They no longer gave me a little bit of food and clothing, but urged me to do a good job and support myself. I decided to run away from home and go to a far away city to ask for life from strangers. After all, my neighbors and relatives are kind to me, and I don’t think I can extend my black hand to them anyway. Only when facing strangers, the shame and guilt will weaken.
The train drove me around most of China, and my deception business changed from doing it alone to a group crime. It may be because groups have a sense of security in committing crimes. After all, they are organized and disciplined, and individuals bear relatively fewer responsibilities and risks. I have done MLM. Although the State Council promulgated the “Notice on Prohibition of MLM Activities” on April 21, 1998, which opened the prelude to the governance of MLM, as long as people’s desires exist, MLM will exist. It’s just that the form it relies on is changing with each passing day. Because I have a narrow social network, poor network resources, and a weak personality, I don’t dare to beat people harshly. My boss often punishes me. However, this is not the fundamental reason why I left the Butterfly Organization. I decided to escape after witnessing a college student being violently beaten into a paraplegic position by my accomplices. I risked a fall and jumped off the balcony on the third floor and escaped from a MLM career that lasted more than two years. After that, I also participated in more than a dozen fraud organizations such as loan and wealth management fraud, “remittance for emergency” fraud, “winning” fraud, and virtual game equipment fraud. I played the role of a young and promising teaching assistant in my last “Wellcome” tea business. I only need to be affectionate to the group of widows and widows in the family relationship. The cost of eggs deceived their trust. Next, I will tell them in detail how “Wellcome” tea is green and environmentally friendly, how high-precision nanometers, and how to comprehensively clean up the intravascular waste…until they willingly bought the Wellcome for less than 10 yuan at a price of 1,000 yuan. tea. I experience the joy of turning sand into gold, and the sense of accomplishment is also bursting with it. Even for the first time, I had the idea of saving money to get married.
When the discomfort first appeared, I just had a slight loss of appetite. For a wanderer with no fixed home, this is really nothing wrong. After a brief period of fear, I quickly eased from my depression and continued to devote myself to the “Wellcome” tea business with a hard-working, dedicated, and dedicated attitude. But shortly after the third live meeting, I was surprised to find that my weight had dropped by more than 20 kilograms. At the same time, my limbs were limp and I was in a trance. Not only that, those who have been forgotten by me for a long time and who have been deceived by me also appear in front of me like ghosts from time to time. They attack me with hideous faces holding up various weapons. I was completely troubled by insomnia, tight scalp, inexplicable anxiety, and nightmares. I suspect that I am sick. For a period of time, I frequently traveled to and from major hospitals, but the results of various tests such as esophagography, barium enema, CT scan plus enhancement, and simulated gastrointestinal endoscopy all showed that I was very normal. Could retribution come early? Anyway, it’s a death! Death is the only relief. Besides, sooner or later, people will rot and turn into soil. Thinking of this, I suddenly feel a lot easier. In the following days, I will think of death every day, and I feel happy when I think of death. Even, I am not satisfied with thinking of death, I really want to die. I don’t want to die because I’m afraid of being alive, nor is it eager to meet my underground parents. I just want to die and sincerely feel that death is better than living. The only thing I was not reconciled to was that I didn’t meet a girl who fell in love with me at first sight, so I still remain a virgin. For this reason, I can’t end my fate without authorization. But I can’t control my emotions more and more, and get angry easily. I am sure that I have severe depression. Sure enough, the psychologists of the three top three hospitals gave a clear diagnosis: occult depression.
I know I am not far from death. Leslie Cheung, Chen Baiqiang, and Chen Baolian all failed to escape the death of depression. Not to mention me? Regarding the method of death, I have made many assumptions. Although most depression patients choose to fall from high altitude to death, I first rejected this tragic and excessive method because “the parents of the body are affected by the skin.” I also vetoed drowning, slashed wrists, lying on rails, hanging on the rails, etc. The reason why I rejected them is because I have comprehensively analyzed the pros and cons: drowning may cause accidental death of those who do what is righteous; cutting the wrist requires huge pain, if before the death of the breath Being discovered may also incur a large amount of rescue costs; if you adopt an improper posture while lying on the rails, you are likely to be disabled for life; the death of hanging is too horrible… In the end, I had to choose the most peaceful and cowardly way of suicide. It is an overdose of “Mian Le Ning”.
I must find a psychology clinic, and the best person to receive me is a female psychologist who can make me fall in love at first sight. With this purpose in mind, yesterday afternoon, I wandered the narrow alley from Sizhong Street to Xinyue Road with my last dream. However, the densely packed signboards on both sides of the street made me confused. Just when I was about to give up, the seven words “Wu Xiaoliang Psychological Consultation” came into view. I know, it is waiting for me, it can save me.
“Wu Xiaoliang, you have to save me.” I know that this kind of prologue is a bit hasty, and it will frighten the girl sitting on the swivel chair by the window sill. Her long chestnut-brown hair was tied only at the tips of her hair with a rubber band wrapped in floral cotton cloth, her forehead was full and smooth, she seemed independent and intelligent, and her narrow eyes radiated warm, moist light. She smiled lightly at me, and my heart immediately trembled fiercely.
“The first-level certificate of psychological counselor.” She picked up a small book and shook it at me. With the special sensitivity of my “professional liar”, that little book is definitely a shoddy copy. But, is it necessary for a person who wants to die? You know I am not seeing a doctor, I am praying for death.
“What kind of help do you need?” Her eyebrows frowned slightly, as if there was a horrible idea. A minute later, she suddenly screamed in excitement, “Snyder! Snyder! You look too much like Gary Snyder in San Francisco! He is one of the most accomplished Beat poets in the 1950s. Yes, he is so great, he is my god!”
She couldn’t contain the excitement in her heart, she suddenly stood up and hugged me hard, and kissed my face with her wet lips. I was so overwhelmed by this sudden situation-could God really take extra care of me, a dying person?
“Sir, listen to me first. I love poetry, and I love Snyder. You look too much like Snyder. My Snyder-deep and melancholy eyes, high and steep nose, narrow and thin Lips… are so confusing! Oh, do you write poetry?” Wu Xiaoliang, a first-level counselor, couldn’t control her excitement. Although she had already sat back on the swivel chair by the window sill, she was shaking all over. The light in the eyes was also scorching hot.
It seems that Wu Xiaoliang is more ill than me, and I am really unlucky. How to answer her question? In fact, it is not difficult for a professional liar like me who is experienced and unique to deal with her casually…
“Writing, I have written a lot.” I said this sentence smoothly, but did not dare to face her anxious and excited eyes.
“Then do you like Chinese poets or foreigners?” She stared her eyes and waited for my answer.
“Like Snyder, or…” I deliberately pretended to be lost in thought. In fact, I could never say the name of any other poet.
“I also like foreign poets. They dare to face themselves, they are very open-minded, and they are not rigid in their sentence patterns. They always like to walk alone on a new path.” Wu Xiaoliang said to herself, she said. Obviously forgot that he was facing a dangerous insidious depression patient.
“Yeah, yeah, it is true. I have a fortune, I think…” I was anxious and tried to bring the topic back.
“Oh, what do you want?” Wu Xiaoliang was obviously a little unhappy because of my rash interruption.
“I want to store them in your account, not much, only a few thousand dollars.” I said hesitantly.
“So you are asking to die?”
“Yeah, I am a sinful person, and now I have received retribution. But I just learned that I seem to fall in love with you. I was anxious to die, so I decided to leave you a little bit of humble property. After all, I have no other relatives. “Speaking these words, my heart suddenly brightened, and I felt much more comfortable.
“If I tell you that I am in love with you too, do you still want to die?” Wu Xiaoliang smiled shamely and continued, “It’s easy to die. Look, the white pills in the bottle can satisfy you.”
“Mian Le Ning.”
“How is the effect?”
“Oh. You said you fell in love with me too, is it true?” After going around in a circle, I dared to face the exciting news. She does not look like a first-level counselor, but like a depressed patient like me.
That night, in the room where Wu Xiaoliang lived alone, we experienced a thrilling night. To be honest, there is really a good place for love and family to thrive. As the saying goes: When a person is about to die, his words are good. There was almost no embarrassment, so I told her all the experiences from childhood to adulthood. She listened to me beautifully, and her eyes were gentle when she stared at me. During the whole process I told, she did not show the slightest disgust, let alone move the body that was close to me, but kept touching my hair, face and chest with her hand. Suddenly, I felt that the crime was so serious that my head was about to explode, and I would “boom” at any time.