Fifteen years late apology

  I suddenly shuddered: Yes, I still have two students who left the classroom halfway, are they okay at this time? When I think of these two students, my guilt suddenly overflows.
  This chance meeting with student Xiaoli touched the pain in my heart that I least want to evoke. Although I have only been teaching for three years, in the dead of night, I thought of two students who I had taught for no reason.
   I have never dared to mention it in front of others, and I can only bear it silently in my heart, gradually piling up, and sometimes it makes me breathless. So, I said to myself, I must find them and say “I’m sorry” face to face.
   When the two of us started this student group named after me, some students joined in. Facing so many students who have never met after graduation, and seeing messages of condolence from them, my heart is excited. Among these students, the names of many of them are still fresh in my memory, even though it has been a full fifteen years, but the names of the two students I was eager to see did not appear in the WeChat group. I couldn’t help but ask the students, who of you has the WeChat accounts of Xiaofeng and Xiaolei, can you bring them in? I also mentioned: In my teaching career, I am most sorry for these two children, and I want to apologize to them.
   For a while, there was silence in the WeChat group. I guess they were guessing, how could their elegant head teacher say sorry to the two students? A minute later, the student Xiao Xia sent a message: Teacher, Xiao Lei is our own family member. He is doing well now. He has just become a father. Please rest assured. It’s just that I don’t have WeChat, please wait for a few days.
   I was naturally delighted to hear the news about Xiao Lei.
   Not long after, the student Xiao Yuan also sent a message: Teacher, Xiao Feng is also very good. He is now developing in Tianjin and his business is doing very well. Please rest assured that I will bring him in. Another exciting news.
   Just after this news, a real-name netizen named Xiaofeng on WeChat joined the group. Seeing this name that I have missed for more than ten years, my heart beat faster. Will he see me? Will he blame me? Will he hate me? Should I take the initiative to add him on WeChat? Would he reject a teacher who had hurt him? I stared blankly at the phone screen, hesitated for a moment, finally clicked on the screen with trembling fingers, and passed his request.
   I can’t wait to see his circle of friends. Sure enough, there is a video of him in the circle of friends, he is happily grilling lamb kebabs, his movements are extremely skillful, and he keeps teasing people around him. This appearance has not changed at all, it is still the student in my heart, the short hair looks very refined, the face is thin, and the eyes are full of wit. Seeing his happy appearance, I was finally relieved.
   He added me on WeChat, but didn’t send me a message. I guess he’s busy. Now that I have added WeChat, I naturally want to say the apology that has been hidden for more than ten years: Xiaofeng, the teacher wants to say sorry, this apology is at least ten years late.
   As those words came out, I was relieved. I waited quietly for Xiaofeng’s answer. Sure enough, within a few seconds, he sent a message: Teacher, I am doing very well now, thank you for nurturing me.
   Seeing this sentence, I fell into deep self-blame. Recalling these days of intersection with him, how can I count as nurturing? I am hurting people!
   I was the head teacher in my second year of work. In that session, each head teacher counted the most naughty students in the grade, and Xiaofeng was among them. Speaking of Xiaofeng, I saw him make the female teacher cry more than once, let the female teacher suspend class and leave the classroom more than once, and confronted the then head teacher more than once, and did not back down.
   Therefore, when we were divided into classes in the second year of junior high school, we young class teachers were praying silently, and we must not touch these students into our class. After the class was selected, I searched the list of students in the class. Our class had the smartest children taught in the first grade of junior high school, and children with sports specialties. After seeing it, Xiaofeng’s name jumped into my eyes. Although I was mentally prepared to be blocked by soldiers and covered by water, I still sat staring at the name for five or six minutes. In fact, I am gentle by nature. I choose the profession of teacher because I have the determination to educate every student well.
   After only one night, I faced all the students optimistically. I firmly believed that as long as I showed love, Xiaofeng would definitely be influenced by me.
   Xiaofeng’s stubborn nature was revealed after school started. In class, he not only deserts himself, but also influences other people; he likes to be a little boss, and forms a group with a few naughty students in other classes; Li went around outside the classroom and stunned him with sharp eyes.
   Relatively speaking, Xiaofeng gave me a lot of face, he was very quiet in my class, and he didn’t dare to make trouble. Since he can be quiet in my class, I believe he can also be quiet in other teachers’ classes. However, he couldn’t do it, so the complaints from other teachers piled up on me.
   At the beginning, I tried to communicate with him as calmly as possible; over time, my tone became harsh. Sometimes I didn’t control my mentality well and would yell at me. Every time he educated, he would restrain himself a little, but it didn’t take long for these problems of his to be exposed again.
   I gave Xiaofeng a death order: You can sleep during class, and you can’t affect the teacher’s class and classmates’ listening to class. Xiaofeng seems to have received the imperial edict, he can sleep without any worries during class, and the classroom order will naturally improve. But after a long time, Xiaofeng said that he slept a lot at night and couldn’t sleep during the day. I can’t laugh or cry, indeed, how can a child sleep all day long? But if he doesn’t sleep, he will make a fuss again when he is full of energy, what should he do?
   Xiaofeng’s unruly behavior continued and even intensified. Finally one day, a fierce conflict broke out between me and him. I was very thin at the time, and Xiaofeng reckoned that he could deal with me, so he resorted to martial arts. Facing the mighty Xiaofeng, I told myself that I couldn’t lose, otherwise how would I manage the class and gain a foothold in school in the future? I decided to use this opportunity to establish a higher prestige for myself, so that other stubborn students would not dare to behave wildly in front of me.
   After all, my strength is still greater than that of Xiaofeng. During the armed conflict, I pushed him to the ground, and I dragged him to the principal’s office. I wanted to tell the principal that this student could not be accommodated in my class.
   Xiaofeng finally broke free from me. He is a kid who cares about face, he must feel humiliated here, he can no longer show his prestige in front of his classmates, so he ran back to the classroom to pack his schoolbag and went home. From then on, he never appeared in front of me again, and left the school like this. The school leaders also knew about this student’s problem, so they didn’t ask me to pull him back. Everything just goes away. Xiaofeng left, and the classroom returned to calm. My class has become the school’s star class, the five competitions are ranked first almost every week, and the three boys in the class are also firmly occupying the top three in the grade. At the end of the semester, my class won the excellent class in the city. In the face of many praises, I really forgot Xiaofeng.
   And Xiaolei is a student in my third class of junior high school. He is very cute, fair-skinned, not tall, and always has a smile on his face. But such a child has become a little devil in the eyes of the school head teacher.
   Compared with Xiaofeng, I educated Xiaolei more gently and spent more time. However, all the efforts have had little effect. Later, we had a quarrel, and he left the classroom angrily and never came back.
   After seeing off the third year of junior high school, I also left school and transferred to work in a newspaper office. Even after leaving school, many students still came to visit me. In their eyes, I am their good teacher.
   Because of work, I often go back to the place where I worked. There, when I saw the pink exterior wall, the tree-lined campus, and those green teenagers running happily on the playground, and reading famous Chinese books in the classroom, I suddenly shivered: Yes! , I still have two students who left the classroom halfway, are they all right now? When I think of these two students, my guilt suddenly overflows. Looking at the bright and bright classroom, how could it not accommodate these two naughty teenagers? The teacher’s heart should be extremely broad, how could there be no place for these two children?
   Seeing the teachers preaching and teaching the children in the classroom, I couldn’t help but feel a dull pain in my heart.
   I think, if I had been more patient, communicated more, understood what they were doing at that age, and tolerated them with more love, they would have sat peacefully. In the classroom, learn more knowledge and understand more truths. But I let them leave the classroom, the campus, and the ocean of knowledge in a rude way. All of this is really my irreparable fault.
   Now, I finally have news from them, and even a connection. Fifteen years, the unspeakable guilt of these fifteen years, which has no place to confide, has finally been poured out. In the near future, when I face them, that apology will still be sincerely said.

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