Time to hold a coin


These nights, before Fang Yan fell asleep, he always felt scarlet on his eyelids. When I opened my eyes the next day, the redness disappeared, but the feeling of warm color remained, similar to a warm burning. When she used the rotary button of the slit lamp to make yellow light beams of different widths and shone on the opposite eyeball, that feeling came back, and then she heard the person opposite calling her name, with a short sound, she was At this time, he recognized Li Chaoyang.

Just after the noon break, the gray iron chairs outside the door were already full of people. There was a noisy little girl, wearing glasses that covered one piece, wearing a green school uniform and red sleeves, running back and forth in the corridor. Li Chaoyang came in first, dressed like a bear in a sweater and down jacket. Fang Yan’s computer hadn’t been turned on yet, and the old computer made a loud noise when it was turned on. She greeted him and sat down. He dragged the chair, hesitated for a while, and said that his eyes hurt recently, as if being poked by a needle. Fang Yan shook the mouse, but the screen didn’t turn on at all. Without turning his head, Fang Yan asked him if his eyesight was abnormal. After getting a negative answer, he led him into the dark room, sat down in front of the slit lamp, and put his chin on the paper pad. She also approached him. In the closest case, their distance does not exceed thirty centimeters. When she recognized him, the computer was turned on, and the sound of starting up came from behind her. Her body shivered in the white coat, and for the first time felt that the sound was so loud that it blocked all other sounds. So she found that, years later, when she saw him again, the red and black spots were still there, making her eyes burn. Her heart was pounding.

There is no problem with his eyes, it should be due to visual fatigue. After calming down, she told him that she planned to prescribe sulfur chondroitin eye drops for him. What a coincidence, when did you come back? While opening a prescription on the computer, she asked with a smile, trying to make herself look familiar. Li Chaoyang said that after taking a few days off, the renter of his room was due, while fiddling with the keys in his hand. The patients at the door poked their heads and stared at them closely. Li Chaoyang had no choice but to stand up and wave to her, you are busy, please contact me later. He stood up and was about to leave, then bent down a little closer to Fang Yan, and asked in a low voice, do you know about the class reunion on Sunday, Fang Yan was stunned for a moment, unable to respond, and asked when it was, Li Chaoyang said, it was just this Sunday. She forced herself to look into his eyes, said almost unthinkingly, yes, I’ll go, then raised her glass to drink water, blocking his view of her. Before Li Chaoyang could walk out of that door, the patient at the door squeezed in and rubbed against his shoulder. When her cup was put down, Li Chaoyang had already disappeared.

At night, the street light was very thin, hitting Fang Yan lightly on the top of her head, she crossed her legs, rubbed her hands and waited for someone. Fang Yan’s boyfriend is a doctor in the hospital’s internal medicine department, and more nights, she has to wait for him to get off work. She looked up, but couldn’t tell which light was his department. During that time, there was a shooting case at the Agricultural Bank near Heyan Road. Before that, the fugitive had killed at least seven people. Fang Yan touched the fluffy pocket of her down jacket. She only put a few coins in it for boarding the bus. She often left the bus card in the office. Up her nose, she smelled that rust, like dried blood.

That smell brought her back to the past that was almost too dim to be seen. It was an evening self-study and school. She was walking in the quiet Scissors Lane, smelling the moss in the cracks in the corners, and the faded couplets on the wooden doors on both sides were reflected by the moon into a bluish blue. Near the end, several shadows about her height flashed out from nowhere, their bodies lurking in her familiar school uniform, the hood on the coat was pulled down very low, covered by many shadows chopped by branches several faces.

Those shadows surrounded her, their shoulders were connected together, and they slowly approached her, so their bodies became as huge as mountains, and she had to step back to press her back against the wall tightly, feeling the moisture from the cracks in the wall. It seeps in from behind, even to the chest. When a pair of hands touched her, she couldn’t retreat, she squatted down trembling, and hugged her schoolbag tightly. She only remembered that there were many hands in the darkness, some wrapped around her arms, some pulled her hair, and some pinched her face. She kept pushing those hands away, kicking them, pinching them with her nails, and blocking them with her arms. Finally, she let out a shrill cry in fear, shouting, killing people… They suddenly became very flustered, and a hand came out immediately. He wrapped his arms around her waist behind his back, and covered her mouth with another hand fiercely. Until the other hand around her waist moved up slowly and placed it on her chest, as if waking up from a nightmare, she found that reality was as irreversible as in the dream, and she suddenly lost all strength from the bottom of her heart, It’s like losing your bones, allowing it to be stained and eroded inch by inch by strange hands. She looked helplessly into the distance, only the birds on the poles jumped and flew away, like black and red spots. The wind was blowing the low treetops, their breath sprayed on the collar of her school uniform, her breathing became heavier and heavier, her clothes were roughly pulled, when she saw Li Chaoyang.

The football was red and white, and entered the alley before Li Chaoyang. The football clearly hit the old gray brick wall, and a lot of wall debris drifted down during the vibration, splashing in the dim light of the street lamps. When Fang Yan saw Li Chaoyang, his feet had lost their movement, so the ball rolled all the way to the boys’ feet. The boy who covered Fang Yan’s mouth suppressed his voice and shouted to him, don’t fucking meddle in your own business, get out of here. But Li Chaoyang remained motionless, as if he stopped while playing with a wooden figure, his hair had a bright edge under the light. He looked at Fang Yan’s naked body under the torn clothes, his eyes widened, his neck stretched forward, and he almost forgot to breathe.

A boy rushed over and smashed the ball he picked up at Li Chaoyang. Li Chaoyang covered his nose, rushed over and punched the boy back in the face, and the other party yelled in pain. The boys left Fang Yan angrily, and almost all rushed towards Li Chaoyang. One picked up a flowerpot by the side of the road, yelled at his brothers to give way, and smashed it directly on Li Chaoyang’s head. The pink and purple camellia mixed with soil fell to his feet with its bare roots. Corpses were trampled everywhere by the crowd. Li Chaoyang finally fell down and hugged his head. At this time, Fang Yan’s originally limp body suddenly surged with strength, and she slammed the lower body of the boy who imprisoned her with her knees, and crawled over crying.

In the end, Li Chaoyang curled up on the ground clutching his stomach, holding his head, his eyes were swollen, and his face was covered with blood. After each of them kicked him, they heard more and more residents on the side of the alley open their windows, and more lights came on, shining on Li Chaoyang’s body, reflecting the blood on his face even more bright red. The boys spit on his head and rush off in a crowd. Fang Yan kept breathing heavily, and finally climbed to Li Chaoyang’s side to help him up. The blood on his face was mixed with dirt, and stuck to Fang Yan’s bare chest, merging with her sweat. Fang Yan felt Li Chaoyang’s coldness, and at that moment she heard her heartbeat even stronger. She couldn’t help stroking his skin lightly, her hands still trembling slightly. After a long time, her trembling hands were finally able to pick up the receiver of a nearby public telephone booth. She pressed the numbers as if using her right hand for the first time, but found that she did not have a coin with her.

She saw a frail body approaching from a distance, it was Xu Yang. He had an apple in his hand. When he saw Fang Yanshi, he put it in the satchel he bought for her. It was given to him by the nurse in the department. Fang Yan knew it. After giving it, he put his hands in his pocket, not intending to pull her, so she fumbled for the coins again, feeling that time slowed down, and even pulled her. The road is hard and flat in winter, and the bus passes with the yellow light on, and they have already passed the first stop. Usually, they have to walk three stops to the iron gate of Fang Yan’s dormitory, and then Xu Yang goes home from the opposite direction. When there is no taxi to take, she will wait with him for a while. Today, Xu Yang finally put his hand into her pocket, rubbed Fang Yan with his palm, and told her to come back with me tonight.

Introduce the old nurse she met with Xu Yang, who was a classmate with Aunt Xu Yang. Xu Yang was five centimeters taller than Fang Yan, thin, with a crew cut and a pair of tortoiseshell glasses. The first time he met Fang Yan, in the cafeteria of the hospital, as soon as he sat down, his glasses slipped a little, and he pushed the lenses. At that time, Fang Yan confidently guessed what he was going to say, and she secretly said it with him in her heart. Sure enough, Xu Yang said, you look like someone I knew before, so that she didn’t realize it herself, and she and Xu Yang said it softly.

When he was with Xu Yang, Fang Yan felt as if he had fallen to the ground, but he didn’t feel anything else. The difficulty lies in that it is different from seeing a doctor, and also different from doing problems. It is like a living animal with an unclear face. She cannot see what kind of face it has, but it seems to be eagerly waiting for her. to touch. Before, when she was sleeping in Xu Yang’s bedroom, when the strong sunlight pierced her eyes in the morning, she felt that it had grown claws and was scratching her, and she understood what it meant.

It was a standard two-bedroom, one-living room, different from her north-facing double dormitory, clean and bright, she often slept on the inner side by the window, with her back against Xu Yang, and a corner of the quilt covering her body. If it is a weekend, she will set the alarm clock before seven o’clock, because Xu Yang’s mother may come to clean up. But more often, after Xu Yang fell asleep, she couldn’t fall asleep. Insomnia gripped her throat tightly, and she was so thirsty that she lifted a corner of the quilt, got up to drink water, and then went to the bathroom, repeating this several times. Sometimes the curtains were not drawn, and when she drank water, the moonlight shone on the railing under the floor-to-ceiling windows, and then on the trouser legs of her pajamas, and her bare ankles, and she could feel the water transparently passing through her whole body, There is also the weight of the shadow of the railing, which is heavy.

She refused because she was afraid of insomnia, especially after seeing Li Chaoyang today. She thought that maybe one night, when the curtains were drawn perfectly, after making love, Xu Yang would turn around and ask her, will you not be able to sleep tonight, let’s talk. Anyway, it can’t happen tonight. As for Xu Yang, his expression after hearing the rejection was always the same, that is, without any expression or even the slightest pause, he withdrew his hand from Fang Yan’s pocket.

Fang Yan didn’t know that in the summer of that year, the fugitive who killed someone on Heyan Road would commit another crime in Chongqing and be shot dead. In the gap between the two cases, she always thought of it repeatedly from time to time, and paid attention to it on the news, but it was often fruitless-the whole thing would only suddenly appear when there was an ending. Afterwards, she closed her cell phone. This was a rare moment of free time. There were only a few people outside the outpatient clinic, and the entire building was asleep. She learned to turn on the monitor in advance, put the mouse to the appropriate position of the touch point, and the diagnosis list was all over the computer desktop. Turning to yesterday again, click on Li Chaoyang’s name and pull down mechanically. In addition to ophthalmology and internal medicine, oncology is impressively listed.

The white coat he put on was stained with tea stains, Fang Yan went downstairs to get water from the water room on the third floor. When she came back, she had already passed the internal medicine department and the oncology department, and she turned it around like sterile cotton into a bottle, from swelling to shrinking, leaving the residual medicine. Xu Yang sent her a text message, asking her to go back to his mother’s house for dinner on Sunday. She asked him what time it was on Sunday, but he didn’t reply.

Before Sunday dinner, Fang Yan helped Xu Yang’s mother finish handling a hen. Xu Yang’s mother didn’t dare to chop the chicken, and would shudder when she saw the chicken’s exposed skin. When Xu Yang was tired, Fang Yan was responsible for cutting the chicken into pieces. Half an hour after dinner, Fang Yan washed his hands and went downstairs. Xu Yang was watching TV in the living room, but fell asleep half lying on the sofa. In the corridor with gray walls, Fang Yan brought her hand to her nose to sniff. The smell of hand sanitizer and chicken skin remained together. Twenty minutes later, she was wrapped in a down jacket and walked to the door of the hotel. Before entering the door, she smelled it again. It’s not the smell of chicken skin, it’s egg flower.


A strand of Fang Yan’s hair fell out when she untied the scarf and scattered around her ears. When she stroked the strand of hair, Li Chaoyang appeared in front of her again. This time she finally dared to see him clearly. Wearing the same down jacket that day, she became slightly fatter than in high school, had grown a lot of beards, and the corners of her eyes seemed to droop even more. She even took a special look at his shoes. He tactfully helped her hang the coat and scarf on the hanger at the door. Immediately, new classmates greeted him. After a long time, he called out their names one by one. At that moment, Fang Yan felt that there was something about Li Chaoyang. The memory is finally continuous, and what happened many years ago seems to have happened yesterday.

At the banquet, there were still many single people, but they did not sit together tacitly. People with families spread out, like islands. Came alone? Li Chaoyang asked the waiter if there were child seats, the waiter whispered something to him, Li Chaoyang nodded. The children’s cries and laughter could be heard in their ears. They were wearing small jackets of various colors, and some were hiding in the blankets. There are also a few children who are able to walk, but none who are already in school. Fang Yan looked around again, and Li Chaoyang naturally sat on her left side, and on Fang Yan’s right sat a male classmate who had gotten a little fatter, brought his family members along, and passed cigarettes between her and Li Chaoyang.

The one who talked the most was a male student who was already working in the Public Security Bureau. His grades were not good back then, so he went to a railway police academy, and was later assigned to work as a policeman in the city center. He heard other male students brag that he was already a popular person next to a certain police chief. people. He was also really rosy, and he brought a transparent wine barrel without any label, and asked the person sitting next to him to pour it for everyone mysteriously. All the way to Fang Yan, he called her Dr. Fang again and again, and poured a layer into the wine dispenser. While toasting, Fang Yan took a few sips, feeling a fishy smell rushing to her head, covering her nose, the smell of wine mixed with the smell of the dead chicken on the cuff, she wanted to vomit.

It’s cold and windy and humid outside, and the stars haven’t appeared for a long time, especially in this season. There are stars looming between the dry branches, and the smoke comes out of the mouth and floats up around the branches. Fang Yan had expected that Li Chaoyang would come out to find her, and then he heard the sound of the thick cotton curtain closing behind him, and he rubbed his hands when he stood side by side with her. Xu Yang looked like someone she knew, and she didn’t lie to him. Li Chaoyang asked Fang Yan to borrow the fire. He was very tall, much taller than Xu Yang. Fang Yan’s head was right up to his chin, and when the lighter was lit, she lowered her head and saw a pair of black leather shoes on his feet. After graduating from school, Fang Yan never saw those black and green spiked sneakers again.

The field is made of green plastic lawn with white lines drawn, and the plastic track around it is made of red rubber, which has turned gray with age. Li Chaoyang ran on the court, passed the ball, and wiped his sweat with the hem of his jersey. Fang Yan and the other girls leaned on the railing, holding notebooks and pens, writing and drawing, and using the time of physical education class to do homework. On Sunday, after the remedial classes were over, the people in the school walked slowly, Fang Yan took off his school uniform jacket in the empty classroom, Li Chaoyang leaned against the wall outside the classroom and waited for her, and then they ran to the court together.

The plastic lawn, except when the sun is fierce, is always extremely damp. After stepping on it, a circle of dark water is formed around the edge of the shoe. Fang Yan jumped lightly, ran fast, dribbled, dribbled, kicked, and shot. At the beginning, she didn’t understand anything. She just remembered that she was running all the time, and the red and white football turned into a ball. A dove-like being that never came to her easily, gliding across the emerald-green, furry sky as if off the ground. She can’t kick the beautiful high-spin ball like Li Chaoyang. She can only use the arch of the foot to push straight or the back of the foot to draw flat. And then, the two legs were slender and powerful, overlapping in front of her eyes, like a pair of flapping wings.

Then the football rolled out of the school gate and onto Scissors Lane. Li Chaoyang told Fang Yan that his favorite football star Edson Arandes do Nascimento, nicknamed Pele, played in the alley when he was a child. His birthday was only one day away from Li Chaoyang, at 1.73 meters, he was ten centimeters shorter than Li Chaoyang at that time. But he scored many goals in a row, he dribbled the ball for a long distance in the half court, he scored with an undercut, and he headed the goal. The source of all this happened in Brazil. The young Pele kicked a golden and ripe mango in the alley of the slum. The ball hit the damp brick walls on both sides, and the moss growing between the cracks of the walls seemed to have been waiting for a long time. The hearty echoes of the ball being thrown, and the crackling of the surrounding residents’ cooking, covered up the accelerated heartbeat due to strenuous exercise. Fang Yan already knew what it was at that time, adrenaline, used for anaphylactic shock, bronchial asthma and Rescue of cardiac arrest. Since then, Scissors Lane has been echoing in my memory the sound of football being pulled up and touching masonry. The walls of the courtyard are high and strong, as if everything will be surrounded by life. Safely congealed into a secret, or a faux pas, the dank south is littered with excess glass.

Fang Yan didn’t look up, put his hands in his pockets, wrapped the scarf, turned to Li Chaoyang and asked Li Chaoyang if there was anything in it, Li Chaoyang said no, she asked, then let’s go? Li Chaoyang said, yes. I glanced at my phone, it was eight twenty-three. Fang Yan walked ahead, opening and clenching his hands in his pockets, sweating while holding the coins that hadn’t been changed for a long time. She didn’t know where to go, but just walked in the opposite direction from where she came from. Later, she realized that she and Li Chaoyang could reach the riverside with only about forty minutes of continuous walking. She could already smell the coldness in the air. The lights have all been turned on. If they keep walking, get out of the bridge, take the expressway, and get in the car, they can go all the way to Shanghai. Later, she heard that Li Chaoyang’s daughter was studying in a special kindergarten in Shanghai. If he brought his daughter, she should be the oldest child present. My daughter is now learning to play chess, and there are foreign teachers who teach her English and Spanish. Whether it was Spanish or French, Li Chaoyang didn’t remember clearly. Suddenly, Fang Yan asked him, do you know the moon in French, Li Chaoyang was a little stunned, Fang Yan continued to talk to himself, lalune, la means feminine, and the moon is a woman. Li Chaoyang said, you can speak French. Before Fang Yan could respond, they had almost walked out of the pedestrian street.

Li Chaoyang said, go back. Fang Yan stood still, beside a gray lamppost, there were still leftover red lanterns hanging on both sides of the lamppost, and the tassels were hanging down scatteredly, and she was standing under the lamppost again. Fang Yan walked out of the shadow cast by the street lamp, but that shadow was still left in her heart, avoiding the calm reflection of the hospital’s air disinfection machine, she seemed to still be hiding in that shadow. She opened her mouth, but what she asked was, do you still play football? Li Chaoyang said, that’s impossible. Fang Yan asked again, are you still watching football? She remembered tonight, when Xu Yang was on the sofa, the Champions League semi-final, Liverpool vs Barcelona, ​​was broadcast on TV. Li Chaoyang seemed to feel very cold, with a wry smile on his face, he pulled up his collar, Fang Yan said, don’t look at it, and go back.

When she was with Li Chaoyang, Fang Yan could always hear very small voices. She could hear the frosted glass shaking like the moon, broken from the inside. On the way back, she was silent all the way, the cold wind blowing by the river whistling in her ears. ring. At the end, Li Chaoyang’s voice became blurred and loose. They mixed in the two teams walking east and west, saying goodbye to each other, with smiles on their faces, and saying goodbye next time, but in fact their eyes were wide open. Just stare at each other. Fang Yan didn’t go to Xu Yang’s house again, she turned off her mobile phone, at 10:30, she got on the bus alone, the route passed Heyan Road, only she and the driver were on the bus, and there was another man in the shadow, the driver’s uniform The brim of the hat was pushed down very low, and he was lying half down on the seat, as if he was asleep.


After the winter solstice, it belongs to the time of night, the night is longer than the day, the moon is a bigger eye, and the darkness pours out from the ground in all directions. In the quiet night, Fang Yan remembered that when she decided to love Xu Yang, Xu Yang was playing the piano left by his father at home. The white gauze cover had turned yellow, and there were red and pink peonies printed on it. Fang Yan stood by the side, holding the piano cover, the black paint vibrated slightly, and felt that time slowed down, and even tended to freeze, shake, and stand still. After closing the lid, Xu Yang told her that this is Debussy’s “Moonlight”, clair de lune, and the moon is a woman. His eyes fixed on Fang Yan lightly, so she lowered her head in embarrassment and looked at his hand. There is a long, winding red scar on it, curling up like a bug.

Xu Yang was originally going to be a surgeon. His fingers were slender and slender. Fang Yanshi often imagined that if she had known Xu Yang earlier and saw him doing dissections at school, with the blade reflecting his dexterous index finger, she might have fallen in love with him. Later, when Xu Yang was practicing, a violent patient broke a cup in the consulting room. Coincidentally, a piece of broken glass stuck into Xu Yang’s right hand. Afterwards, he took a break from school for a year, changed his major after returning to school, and found his current department through the help of his family. Xu Yang now sometimes pinches a flimsy registration form, and his hands will tremble instinctively, but when he plays the piano, his finger movements are smooth and light, like an ascending arpeggio in a musical score.

Xu Yang tightened the handbrake. He drove Fang Yan to the downstairs of the shopping mall in the Ford he just bought. He asked her what time she would pick up in the evening. Fang Yan replied that she would call when the time came. The winter rain is permeated with biting cold, the headlights shine on the rain, and the thin lines like silk hit the road, but there is a tiny amount of heat evaporating. Fang Yan wore leather boots and walked through the rain. She first entered the south gate of the mall, then crossed the entire first floor, and walked out through the north gate.

When Fang Yan stood at the door of Li Chaoyang’s house, he still hesitated. He touched the coins in his pocket, and they became very damp. She said to herself that she would knock on the door when she touched the third one, but by the fourth time, the door had already opened because it had been concealed before, and Li Chaoyang had already heard the movement. His clothes were in a mess, and he pushed aside the piled cardboard boxes and the broken broomstick at the door to let Fang Yan in. It was a small apartment of about 20 square meters. The only fluorescent lamp was not turned on, and only the range hood above the stove was on. The steam in the pot rose and diffused into the warm yellow cover. Fang Yan stood at the door, her shoes left watermarks on the floor, so she dared not move forward.

Li Chaoyang was frying a piece of steak, smiled helplessly at Fang Yan, and said it was okay, there were no slippers. Fang Yan didn’t close the door, turned on the light, and saw a mess, the only clean small coffee table was a large plate of vegetable salad. Li Chaoyang found a large plastic sheet, spread it on the small sofa, asked Fang Yan to sit down, and took a bottle of mineral water from the refrigerator.

Li Chaoyang went back to the stove again and asked Fang Yan, how is it? There is a discount of 2,000 yuan per household, you can give it. Fang Yan looked around, there was a small bed by the window, besides the sofa she was sitting on and the coffee table in front of her, there was also a bookshelf, on which hung a red face that seemed to be from a Nuo drama, with tassels intertwined, as if she was angrily Stare at her. Fang Yan said, 2,000 is appropriate, and asked, is there a subway nearby? Li Chaoyang said, ten minutes, Line 2, can go to your hospital. Fang Yan stood up, went to the window and opened the curtains, and saw the tall buildings outside, and the LED screen not far away was showing advertisements in carousel, which made her eyes hurt a little, so she remembered to ask him, how is his eyes? up?

Li Chaoyang told Fang Yan that the main reason is not to look at the reflection of the glass illuminated by the sun, and everything will turn green or black afterward. Fang Yan remembered a Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale he read when he was a child, called “The Snow Queen”. The devil’s mirror shards fell into the little boy’s eyes and heart. After that, he became ruthless in everything he saw. When Fang Yan turned his head, Li Chaoyang also came to the window, looked at her with his head half down, holding the key in his hand. The key chain was a small football with the Brazilian flag printed on it, dangling.

Fang Yan raised her chin and looked at Li Chaoyang. Because she hadn’t blinked for a long time, her eyes were dry and full of tears. She sensed danger and dared not close them. She found that his current face was more like the old face engraved in her heart than the one in her memory – many years ago, when she was ripped off, Li Chaoyang stood in front of her. She saw his motionless body, his expressionless face, she saw his eyes were bottomless, like a piece of dark water, a child who had been submerged in the water for more than ten years finally crawled out slowly, covered in It is covered with fishy-smelling aquatic plants.

Li Chaoyang hugged her. She trembled all over, felt the slight pressure, the sudden strange breath, and even fell asleep in it, she first whispered, no, but Li Chaoyang didn’t intend to let go at all, she raised her voice and said, I said don’t do this, and twisted my body trying to break free. Li Chaoyang clamped her hands, held her tightly in his arms, and pressed her legs with his thighs. His limbs were so strong and strong, she could only use all her strength to grab his face with one hand. He slapped him, and with a loud sound, the two of them froze at the same time. Fang Yan opened his eyes wide and looked at him. All his movements lost strength at that moment.

Li Chaoyang held her face in his hands, and kissed it roughly. When Fang Yan touched his lips, the pain on Fang Yan’s face spread to his head. She closed her eyes, and saw the scarlet in front of her eyes again. At the same time, she Tasted it in my own mouth. Memories of the past surged back in her body, and she recalled that time when Li Chaoyang’s blood-stained cheek was pressed against her almost-naked chest, and the strong heartbeat at that time has been transmitted to her body today , so she saw those red and black spots again, as if they were wounds left by some kind of burns, and the hot temperature remained.

Fang Yan’s stripped clothes were thrown on the dirty ground, and the coins and keys in his pockets were shaken off and hit the floor heavily, making a dull sound. A leather boot couldn’t be taken off because the knot was too tight. When she fell on the bed, she smelled the heavy dust that fell on her body. She remembered the pain that tore her the first time, as if from Completely damaged inside and out, she cried aloud then, but now she can’t cry. She felt empty inside. A strong smell of paste wafted from the direction of the stove, she was choked and coughed, Li Chaoyang panted, sweat dripped onto her chest, and he covered her mouth tightly with his hand.

It seemed as if he had returned to countless previous nights, the curtains in front of him were only half drawn, and Fang Yan saw the windows of the tall building opposite, flickering with blurry small spots of light, trembling, just like a pair of eyes seen during the day, when Illuminated by the light, many of them are transparent small moons. The mobile phone on the ground rang, it was Xu Yang calling, and it rang many times. The burnt pot made a small crackling sound, a kind of metal-specific crackling and cracking, as if it came from her body.

There was the sound of water flowing into Fang Yan’s ears, and then flowing deep into her. It was Li Chaoyang who put on his clothes, turned off the stove, and put the frying pan under the faucet. The sound of water even made her feel a little bit at ease. Li Chaoyang rolled up his sleeves to clean the pot, and he picked up the steel wool ball, as if after an ordinary dinner, he told Fang Yan that he had cancer in the tone of washing the dishes after the meal. The words behind were covered by the sound of running water, and Fang Yan had no strength to hear clearly. Finally, when the tap was turned off, she heard him humming a familiar song.

Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons”, Xu Yang is playing “Winter”. There are many notes that repeat and require strength. At the end of the practice, Xu Yang is almost beating heavily. The wound on his hand is slowly turning red and protruding like an earthworm. After playing a page of music, the footer The edges had already been rolled up, Fang Yan didn’t turn the page for him, but held his injured hand.

The sun hit Xu Yang’s hand, Fang Yan carefully looked at the eye-catching scar on his hand, and once again thought of the boy who was injured by the debris in “Snow White”. After the boy was injured, he was taken away by the Snow Queen. The girl went to find him through hardships. Her tears flowed into his heart. The mirror in the boy’s heart was melted, so the boy himself cried loudly, and the tears melted the fragments in his eyes. At the end of the story, they go home together. Xu Yang asked Fang Yan what was wrong, she held his hand tightly and said, Xu Yang, let’s get married.


Spring is coming, and the days are slowly getting longer. After Fang Yan gets off work, the blue-black sky in the distance is frozen with cirrostratus clouds like flying catkins, and the street lights have not yet been turned on. When Fang Yan sat in Xu Yang’s car and saw He Yanlu passing by the car window, he suddenly felt that those lights were very strange. Not long after, Xu Yang changed the wallpaper in his bedroom according to her wishes, and changed it to a calm blue color, which is said to be good for alleviating insomnia, and she no longer thought about renting a house by herself. , she counted the many white moons printed on the new wallpaper over and over again.

It was an ordinary night. After returning from Li Chaoyang’s mother’s house, Fang Yan couldn’t sleep. When she closed her eyes, the faces of all the people around her appeared one by one, looking at her one by one, waiting for her to look at them too. When she expelled them one by one from her mind, a piece of scarlet still remained on her eyelids, and even slowly outlined the shape of the tongue of fire, which was ever-changing. Xu Yang next to him breathed evenly, and after turning over, he snored for a while. Fang Yan opened his eyes and saw that the curtains were fully drawn, the door was closed tightly, and the room was pitch black, and he suddenly felt very terrified. That was the first time she woke up Xu Yang when she couldn’t sleep. Xu Yang turned over and asked her what’s wrong, she took a deep breath and said I want to chat with you. Xu Yang yawned and said, tomorrow during the day, he closed his eyes and touched Fang Yan’s face. Fang Yan held his hand again and said, please, I want to talk to you.

Xu Yang got up to pour water, and sat on the edge of the bed when he came back, ready to turn on the desk lamp, Fang Yan said, don’t. Fang Yan opened half of the curtains, and saw the light from the street lamp outside cast on Xu Yang’s cold white neck. He hugged her loosely after lying down, put his face on Fang Yan’s chest, and asked, what do you want to say? Fang Yan felt the wind blowing from the window, and her mind turned into a butterfly whose wings were so thin that they were transparent, flying around the room with the wind.

Slowly and calmly, she told Xu Yang everything that happened in Scissors Lane, including the humid air there, the flying catkins of the sycamore trees, and the flash of heavy rain in summer. There is also the school’s outer wall full of ivy, which trembles and reflects light slightly in the cold winter rain and dark sky. Xu Yang’s body was no longer in a state of fatigue, but became very tense. He let go of Fang Yan and looked at her. Fang Yan could feel the whole piece of transparent air between them. When she was talking, she didn’t dare to look at his face, her eyes were half closed, and the eyeballs rolled slightly under the eyelids.

She unconsciously grabbed the clothes she had changed by the bedside and pulled them into a ball, as if she was ready to escape at any time. When she mentioned Li Chaoyang, she finally opened her eyes. After taking a deep breath, Fang Yan seemed to see Li Chaoyang’s bottomless gaze again, and was finally able to look directly at him in the past time without fear, even telling him, determined to keep Everything was revealed, and there was no longer a trace of shame and concealment. Gradually, she felt a little cold at the tip of her nose, and there was almost no temperature in her body. The air was pure and dry, without any extra smell in it. She spoke faster and more, and when she took a breath, she seemed to be smelling a piece of Glass.

She stopped, it was a complete silence and emptiness, the moonlight outside was like some kind of liquid, she let herself lie quietly in it, like lying in a cold river. Then, gently, she was covered with a quilt, and she felt very warm again. Under the quilt, she was hugged tightly by Xu Yang. She heard Xu Yang say, it’s okay, Fang Yan, it’s okay, we’ll be fine. Fang Yan felt the body temperature surrounding him, so her body temperature also rose slowly at the same time. She didn’t speak, but hugged Xu Yang even tighter, Xu Yang patted her on the back lightly, and we were silent for a long time, then he kissed her forehead and the corner of her mouth that had been injured, and said, go to sleep .

She felt light all over, and soon fell asleep. In the dream, the scarlet spread like a fuse, and then turned into a complete fire. She saw the alley of scissors burning. The entire canopy of the small tree at the end of the alley was burning crazily, making the sound of branches bursting, and then the trunk also collapsed, lying in the middle of the alley, igniting the walls on both sides. The burning moss turned all the gaps between the brick walls into fire, and then into smoke. The scorched yellow on the edge of the tongue of fire chased each other step by step, radiating, and stretched out his hand in the direction of Fang Yan, who was standing At the entrance of the alley, there is a red and white football at the foot.

When Fang Yan woke up, Xu Yang had already left. Even for the first time, he prepared breakfast for her before going to work, even though the fried eggs and bread were all mushy. Fang Yan saw the text message he sent, saying that if you feel uncomfortable today, you should not go to work, and he asked for leave for her. Fang Yan unplugged the charger of the mobile phone, rolled it into a small ball, then opened the drawer of the bedside table, picked out all her documents and cards, opened the closet door, and packed all her clothes into the suitcase . I don’t know at which moment, tears flowed out uncontrollably, blurring her vision, but the movements of her hands did not slow down at all. She went into the bathroom, washed her face, did not dare to look in the mirror, and put the toothbrush, towel, and slippers into the garbage bag. After everything was packed, she put on her coat, stopped at the entrance, and glanced at the shoe rack almost habitually—normally, if she or Xu Yang saw keys on the hooks in the entrance, and replacements on the ground, shoes, it means that one of them has gone home. She shook her head, and solemnly hung the key in her hand back on the hook at the entrance, and the door closed crisply behind her.

Fang Yan walked at a leisurely pace, threw the garbage bag downstairs, dragged the suitcase out of the community, and walked to the bus stop in front of Xu Yang’s house. She put her cold hands into the thick pockets of her coat and waited until the bus came and the door opened. She took out the two coins in her pockets and put them in the coin box.

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