How Emotional Intelligence is Cultivated from a Young Age: 3 Parenting Methods to Raise Children with EQ
Daniel Goleman, a Doctor of Philosophy in psychology from Harvard University, proclaimed: Emotional intelligence stands as the paramount survival prowess possessed by Homo sapiens. Intelligence quotient (IQ) merely accounts for 20% of an individual’s triumph, while the remaining 80% emanates from emotional intelligence. Offspring with elevated emotional intelligence exhibit a greater likelihood of flourishing in interpersonal associations and procuring copious opportunities and platforms for success in their maturation. Conversely, progeny with diminished emotional intelligence are prone to rejection due to their ineptitude in conversational and behavioral appropriateness, coupled with their inadequate interpersonal acumen.
I have had the privilege of interacting with numerous families in my vicinity, whereupon I discovered that the emotional intelligence of a child is inextricably linked to the nurturing provided by their parents. Families fostering commendable character, amiable dispositions, and profound emotional intelligence commonly exhibit three defining characteristics.
1. Elasticity
Facilitate emotional composure and instill problem-solving skills in your progeny. Most children exhibiting low emotional intelligence emanate an arduous demeanor, their temperament readily ignited by slight deviations from their desired outcomes, often disregarding the contextual appropriateness and temporal constraints. Their motivations behind certain behaviors remain inexplicable, and they struggle to govern their negative emotions.
I once encountered a netizen sharing a narrative on Zhihu about their college classmate, A. Student A habitually responded with aggression and vociferation when confronted with adverse circumstances. On one occasion, during a dormitory inspection by the student union, electrical appliances were discovered. In response, Student A nonchalantly remarked, “If I don’t remove them, what’s the worst that could happen? Let them burn!”
Subsequently, Student A’s parents visited the school, and through their interactions, it became apparent that they were the root cause of their child’s disposition. A trivial incident unfolded when the mother desired a glass of water, only to find the boiled water too scalding for consumption. Student A kindly offered to buy a beverage, triggering an explosive outburst from the mother: “What kind of school is this? We come here, and they can’t even provide me with a drink! Why should I pay for drinks when there’s free water available?” The bewildered father, standing alongside, pointedly chastised the mother: “I had told you to bring a cup with you! Why didn’t you listen?” At this juncture, the mother’s voice escalated further: “There’s only a thermos at home! Transfer the boiled water to the thermos and bring it here for boiling! Do you think you know everything?” The altercation climaxed with an exchange of heated words, leaving neither parent willing to acquiesce.
Families characterized by irritability, heightened emotional volatility, and the propensity to evade responsibility will invariably fail to cultivate emotionally stable and well-mannered progeny. The constant exposure to chaos, cacophony, and tension engenders an atmosphere replete with volatility, thereby instilling in them rudimentary and unsophisticated behavioral patterns.
A child’s upbringing necessitates an environment characterized by “flexibility”—a space that fosters an appropriate level of relaxation, wherein unsatisfactory and imperfect circumstances are allowed to transpire without attributing blame, venting grievances, or engaging in slanderous discourse.
2. Stickiness
Cultivate emotional bonds and infuse love into the lives of your children. During my childhood, I relished visiting my second uncle’s abode. Stepping inside, one would immediately experience an overwhelming sense of emotional resonance that never waned, regardless of the duration of one’s stay. My uncle, a culinary virtuoso, would inquire about the family’s culinary preferences in advance and meticulously prepare their desired dishes. My aunt possessed a remarkable talent for praising others, frequently uttering phrases such as “XX is remarkable!” or “XX is truly exceptional! I am filled with joy!” Furthermore, my cousin, who happened to be two years my senior, exhibited unwavering generosity towards both our family and me, always radiating gentleness and affability.
At the dining table, my second uncle would serve meat to my aunt first, followed by myself, and then my cousin. Concerned that I might not have enough to eat, both my aunt and cousin would selflessly offer me portions of their meat. Every visit to my second uncle’s residence bestowed upon me nothing short of comfort and felicity.
Subsequently, my cousin pursued higher education abroad, attaining a Ph.D. degree overseas. Upon completing her studies, she received offers from six Fortune 500 companies, a feat that left me unsurprised. Having been nurtured within an environment steeped in love, warmth, and harmonious coexistence from an early age, she exudes an unparalleled vitality.
Educator Suhomlinsky once articulated, “I can discern such children at a glance. Their parents harbor a deep, passionate, loyal, and interdependent love for one another. Those whopossess emotional intelligence are able to form strong emotional bonds with others, which starts with the loving and nurturing relationships within their own families. Children who grow up in an environment filled with love, support, and positive emotional interactions are more likely to develop emotional intelligence themselves.
3. Mindfulness
Teach your children the importance of self-awareness and empathy. Mindfulness, the practice of being present in the moment and aware of one’s thoughts and emotions, is a key component of emotional intelligence. Children who are mindful are better able to understand their own emotions and regulate them effectively. They are also more attuned to the emotions of others and can respond empathetically.
Encouraging your children to engage in activities that promote mindfulness, such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or journaling, can help them develop these skills. Additionally, modeling mindfulness in your own behavior and teaching them how to express and manage their emotions in a healthy way can contribute to their emotional intelligence.
Fostering emotional intelligence in children starts with the family environment. By cultivating elasticity, stickiness, and mindfulness within the family, parents can lay a strong foundation for their children’s emotional intelligence. This, in turn, equips children with invaluable skills for navigating interpersonal relationships, managing their emotions, and thriving in various aspects of their lives.
Each child needs to find a partner to be his partner. They work in pairs, five or six meters apart, to practice passing the ball to each other. Through such simple training, children gradually understand that “no matter how fast I run, I can’t win. I can only win if I cooperate well with my partner.”
After a while, the coach began to assign different roles on the team, arranging these children to serve as forwards and defenders…
Seeing that her eldest son Ian studied for a full 6 years under the patient guidance of the coach, Huang Jingjie felt deeply: The children have never been able to play well. At first, they would yell at each other and break the rules when they lost, but gradually they grew up to be able to control themselves, know how to deal with things rationally, make calm judgments, pay attention to others, and share responsibilities. This is the charm of “slow raising”.
The truth about educating children is that slow is fast. Rather than constantly forcing knowledge, skills, and principles onto your children, and telling them all kinds of “shoulds” and “musts,” it is better to respect your child’s rhythm and give him time to grow slowly. Children have their own growth patterns. The more they are in a tolerant and free environment, the more they know how to think, learn and improve. When he is able to handle his relationship with the outside world, even if it is a little slow for a while, he will eventually be able to get back on his own track.
I thought of Hei Xiaolong, an educator who also advocates “slow raising”. At first, the youngest son Hei Lixing planned to give up his major at Stanford University and become a professional actor. Although in the eyes of the elders, such an idea was unrealistic, the young black dragon couldn’t bear to pour cold water on it and decided to give his son a year to try it out. With his approval, his son devoted himself to learning vocals and acting, participating in various interviews, and running around looking for opportunities. As Hei Xiaolong expected, his career as an actor was not easy. After a year of hard work, his son finally decided to give up. It’s just that this “setback” did not cause much trouble to my son. Instead, it made him understand himself clearly and become more confident and calm.
It is said that children’s kindness and calmness are all due to their parents’ patient support time and time again. Wait for the flowers to bloom, give your children enough space, and maintain a peaceful heart. Only then will your children have a strong sense of tolerance and empathy. They will not be frustrated by difficulties in any situation, but will gain the true ability to coexist with the world.
