Life

The Psychological Theories of Marital Development and How to Keep Love Lasting in Marriage

  Faced with changes in marital relationships, many people feel at a loss what to do. The reason is that they do not understand the development laws of marriage. Starting from this issue, we will take you to learn the psychological theories about the development of marriage, master the laws, foresee problems you may encounter, and be prepared to deal with them.
  It’s easy to start a business but hard to keep a business, but it’s hard to stay in love.
  “It’s easy to start a business but hard to keep a business.” Have you ever heard of this sentence? If you have heard and agree with this point of view, have you ever thought about why this phenomenon occurs and how to solve this dilemma?
  As a psychologist, I am particularly interested in each assertion, and I like to study the situations in which various assertions are applicable, in order to help people understand the world more clearly. In fact, this conclusion may be controversial, because some people do not agree with the view that “it is more difficult to keep a business” and believe that starting a business is more difficult.
  In my opinion, this conclusion has a very important premise that is not clearly stated, that is, it is more difficult for those who start a business to maintain a business. The reason is that the core abilities and psychological qualities required to start a business and to maintain a business are different.
  For example, starting a business requires qualities such as passion, courage, and innovation, while maintaining a business requires qualities such as understanding management, prudence, and stability. Therefore, after realizing this truth, many entrepreneurs will hand over the management of the business they created to professional managers, which may have better results than running the business themselves.
  Of course, there are also some entrepreneurs who use self-growth methods to make up for their shortcomings, in the hope that they can both start a business and stay in business.
  Have you noticed that there is a similar saying in marriage and love life, that is, “It is easier to fall in love than to stay together.” What’s going on? Can we learn from and introduce the ideas of professional managers to solve this problem?
  The answer is obviously no. Most people agree that falling in love is the prerequisite for marriage, so the difficulty of getting along must not be solved by finding someone you don’t love. It seems that the only way to solve this problem is self-growth. Therefore, it is recommended that people entering marriage should be fully mentally prepared for growth and change, and really take action.
  First, let’s look at why falling in love is easier. Because falling in love is almost a spontaneous and instinctive act. We are emotionally moved because of a person’s handsomeness and beauty, moved by a person’s enthusiasm and thoughtfulness for us, moved by a person’s devotion and affirmation of ourselves, and excited by a close and intimate relationship with a person. These are all rarely needed. You can accomplish it with hard work, but you will get a lot of happiness and joy from it.
  Therefore, it is easy for us to get accustomed to such an interaction model in which we can get a lot of rewards without paying too much, and we may even regard this kind of excitement as the only form of love. Once this pattern or this feeling changes, we think the resulting marriage seems to have come to an end.
  So, is this view of love mature and reasonable?
  American psychologist Sternberg proposed the famous love triangle theory, believing that people’s love has different patterns, and love will look different at different stages of life, so good love is not just one pattern, nor is it static. .
  According to Sternberg, love is composed of three components, namely intimacy, passion and loyalty. Intimacy refers to behaviors such as passion, understanding, communication, support and sharing in a love relationship; passion is mainly sexual arousal and desire, including sexual desire or other actions that can make a partner feel strong emotional satisfaction; fidelity refers to Determination to invest in love and work hard to maintain love. When these three ingredients are sufficient, the perfect love we expect and pursue will appear.
  People often say that perfection is unattainable, but today it seems that perfect love is not far away from us at all. When we learn to express intimacy, fully enjoy the joy of passion, and strive to be faithful to love, we can approach perfect love, fully enjoy all the positive experiences that love brings, and gain a sense of completeness in life.
  Of course, we will also see different types of love in life. For example, some love is more intimate and less passionate, which is the mutual support type; some love is passionate but lacks psychological resonance, which is the obsession type; There are also some types of love that only have responsibility and commitment, lacking basic intimacy and passion, and are rational and cooperative.
  If we only look at it from the perspective of the experience of the parties involved, there is no right or wrong distinction between different types of love. As long as both parties like this model, it is a good love.
  Of course, if each type of love wants to be recognized and respected by society, it must constrain its love behavior within the legal and moral framework.
  Passion is short-lived and uncontrollable, but intimacy and loyalty are the longest-lasting.
  When Sternberg proposed perfect love, he said that perfect love is easy to achieve in a short time, but difficult to maintain for a long time. Why did he have such a prediction? Because the three components of perfect love will change over time, especially passion, which is the component that is most susceptible to change and cannot be controlled by reason.
  After being with a person for a long time, no matter how beautiful or handsome the person is, the brain will slowly get used to and adapt to this stimulation, and it will be difficult to have strong physiological arousal, so there is a saying “Holding my wife’s hand is like holding my left hand.” The ridicule of “right hand”; the rush and pressure of life will also make a tired young man just want to sleep or play games to relax, but have little interest in romantic activities; middle-aged couples may also find that their The body slowly loses the ability to expect and respond to passion, and the previously perfect love will be lost due to changes in passion.
  Of course, the two components of intimacy and loyalty are also affected by time to varying degrees. For example, after people in a marriage gain a sufficient sense of security endowed by the law, they may turn their attention to their own development and hope to use career development to bring a better material life to their families. As a result, past intimate behaviors (clutching, sweet talking, etc.) may be diminished as a result. People who are basically adapted to marriage are more likely to be unable to resist the temptation of the outside world and engage in unfaithful behavior, thus bringing great pain and trauma to the marriage.
  It can be seen that a healthy and long-term marriage is really not something that can be easily obtained. To have it, people who are about to get married need to develop the ability and wisdom to grasp and build a happy marriage. So, what can we do to grow?
  It is very important to have reasonable expectations for love and marriage. We can expect to have a perfect love, but we must respect the characteristics of the brain itself and give up the illusion of always having a perfect love. In this way, we can actively accept the fact that passion is slowly fading, and proactively find other growth points to maintain love, so that our love experience can last longer.
  Of course, we can also learn to deliberately create some romantic actions. For example, change the way you celebrate important holidays, give your lover a surprise gift, occasionally create a time and space where the two of you will not be disturbed, maintain good physical condition and image, etc. Let the adaptive brain rekindle some passionate experiences and keep our love fresh.
  At the same time, we must especially cherish the stage when perfect love exists, because that stage is short and particularly beautiful. It can leave less regrets in life, and it is also a precious moment that can heal and support subsequent stages of life.
  Although passion is less controllable, intimacy and loyalty can always be had. Therefore, we must be able to build a kind of trust, support, and warm companionship love. We can care for each other, strive to understand and respond to our partner’s needs, accompany him when he encounters setbacks, encourage him when he is frustrated, take care of him when he is sick, comfort him when he has mood swings, and support him when he is upset. Listen to him when he expresses his feelings, correct him when he makes mistakes, appreciate him when he succeeds, appreciate him when he gives… We use
  positive actions to set a correct example for our partner, and many times we will gain from our partner. feedback and care, so that two people can jointly build an emotional relationship of mutual trust and attachment.
  In addition, resisting temptation and being faithful in marriage are also marital responsibilities that we must bear. Some people use problems in their marriage as reasons for cheating, which is unreasonable. Just like when a person is sick, we must first seek medical treatment and actively treat the disease instead of giving up life. It is normal for two independent individuals from different cultural backgrounds and original families to have some differences and disputes in their marriage. When encountering problems, we need to communicate, coordinate, reflect, and grow instead of avoiding problems and violating loyalty obligations. Otherwise, we will neither reflect the responsibility of adults nor respect the vows of marriage. Therefore, we must avoid such a situation from happening.
  Of course, marital fidelity is not maintained by responsibility, but more importantly, by cultivating love and attachment to each other. At the same time, we must take the initiative to stay away from temptations, constantly be aware of and regulate our own desires, and think more about the consequences of losing control of our lives and the sacrifices we have to make. price, so that you can have better self-discipline and self-control.
  I believe that through learning and growth, everyone who enters marriage can truly grasp the code of happiness.

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