Life

Why We Sabotage Our Ability to Feel Loved and How to Break free from this Cycle

  Only when you are aware of the trap of not being loved can you consciously change and enjoy the feeling of being loved.
  We mentioned the concept of “compulsive repetition” in our last column. In intimate relationships, many people will repeatedly create traumatic situations similar to those in their early years, allowing themselves to experience the same pain over and over again. This manifests itself as follows: In interactions with the other person, one clearly desires to be loved, but often interprets the other person’s behavior in a negative light and refuses to allow oneself to feel loved.
  On the surface, this is self-abuse, not pursuing happiness, but letting yourself experience painful feelings. From a conscious level, the benefits of being loved are definitely greater than the benefits of not being loved, but the subconscious mind with its own defensive shield will tailor your answer.
  The conscious mind says: “Being loved is good.” The subconscious mind says: “Think too much! Not being loved is the best. Although not being loved is painful, it has more benefits!” With this “instruction”, you are Words and actions in intimate relationships tend to make you feel unloved. So, what are the benefits of not being loved? What are the disadvantages of being loved?
  The experience of not being loved is actually safer.
  We all have this habit, preferring to be close to things we are familiar with, and not easily approaching unfamiliar things; we tend to accept things within our own cognitive scope, and automatically filter and reject those things we know. Something outside of experience.
  For example, if a certain point of view is mentioned in a book, if this point of view happens to be familiar to you, your acceptance of it will become higher; if you have never heard of it, you will instinctively ignore or even reject it. For another example, if you were poor in the past and suddenly become rich, you will be at a loss as to what to do about these changes, because everything in front of you is very inconsistent with your long-standing understanding of “I am a poor person.” Similarly, if you had very few experiences of being loved in your early years, over time, the feeling of being loved will become unfamiliar to you, while the feeling of not being loved will be familiar.
  Staying in the familiar feeling of not being loved is equivalent to living in your own comfort zone and safety zone. You can easily figure out what to do next and how the other person will react. But once you discover that you are loved, it means that you need to change your previous strategy of dealing with “not being loved” and actively respond to or even repay love. This is strange and painful to you. It’s better not to be loved.
  One day, a friend sadly told me that a boy with whom she was in an ambiguous stage did not take the initiative to chat with her. She interpreted this behavior as: Hey, it turns out he doesn’t like me that much. I asked her as seriously as I would a visitor: “If you start to believe that the other person is willing to take the initiative to chat with you, what associations will you have next?” She replied: “I’m worried if he really takes the initiative to come to me. Chatting, will it be my turn to take the initiative next time? If I don’t take the initiative, will he feel that I don’t care about him and stay away from me?” People who are used to being loved will accept the other person’s good things calmly, and are very sensitive to this feeling. Strangers are very naughty. Even if you accept it, you will give it back twice as much, so that you can feel at ease. Therefore, she automatically judged subconsciously: “Compared with him taking the initiative to chat with me, it would make me more relaxed and comfortable if he didn’t take the initiative.” You just want to
  summon the other person’s help .
  When a person interprets certain behaviors of the other person as unloving Sometimes, I will fall into self-pity and sorrow: He doesn’t love me, I am so pitiful, and I am helpless. In doing so, you are actually compulsively repeating the trauma of your early years. In an intimate relationship, you create and restore the scenes of not being loved in your early years again and again, and experience the same pitiful and helpless state as in your early years again and again, just to wait for an opportunity to be healed and nurtured again. Your pity and helplessness are saying: I am still a child when I am in need. I am so pitiful that you should take care of me. You should give me the attention, care, understanding and respect that my parents did not give me. The identity of the victim is the capital you claim.
  For example, some people spent their childhood in the indifference of their parents. Parents are busy making a living and are always traveling away from home, leaving their children alone at home. In a situation where there is a lack of communication and interaction with their parents, children will feel that they are not loved. Slowly, he developed emotional isolation and built a high wall with his parents that was difficult to break down.
  Children who lack love can easily fall into a cycle of early family interaction patterns when they grow up and enter into intimate relationships. Some people even fell in love several times, but they all broke up because they could not feel the love of the other person. “Do you not love me anymore?” “Admit it, you just don’t love me anymore!”… If you say similar things too often, your other half will be easily “induced” and agree with this statement in your heart, and in the end, you will really No longer in love.
  This is the compulsive repetition of childhood trauma. People who say these words are actually very eager to be firmly loved by the other person, eager for the other person to give them some tenderness, respect and compromise, and bring a new experience different from the past.
  Therefore, if you feel unloved in a relationship, don’t blame yourself for being too sensitive. You just need the other person to heal your childhood self. This is your way of summoning the other person to help you, albeit in an inefficient way.
  Start with awareness to break repetition.
  For people who lack love, the worst thing about being loved is that they will feel dependent and panic because of the other person’s love.
  If the other party accurately meets your lack, you will persistently want to get more to make up for your shortcomings over the years. But at the same time, being dependent on one person can cause you to feel panicked. You will feel more and more dependent on the other person and more and more inseparable from the other person. Just like a child who has been hungry for a long time, facing the hard-won meat, he will stuff it all into his mouth even if he is exhausted.
  If you are sure that the other person can keep you dependent, you will not have a sense of panic. But the lack of love determines that you will not believe that you are worthy of being treated like this. It is easy for you to sensitively detect signs of not being loved and signs of leaving you from the other person’s words and deeds. Therefore, you would rather choose not to acknowledge the other person’s love than bear the fear caused by that dependence.
  With compulsive repetition, if you don’t stay aware, you’ll keep repeating. If the other person’s heart is not strong enough to see through every true desire of your heart, you will prove again and again that you are indeed a person unworthy of love, and you will always be hurt in the interaction of the relationship.
  Breaking through repetition begins with conscious awareness: Am I a person worthy of love? I wasn’t before, can I be now? My imagination comes from early experiences, not objective facts. Maybe I’m not too worthy of love, but I’m not as unworthy of love as I thought.

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