Are you also such a person? I made a plan for myself before the holiday, but ended up doing nothing after the holiday; I vowed to lose weight, but within two days I started to lose control of my mouth and couldn’t move my legs; I said I would go to bed early tonight, but I never Stay up late, but end up still watching short videos at 3 o’clock…
Or you may have planned to read a book today, but you find that the clothes in the dirty clothes basket need to be washed; your nails seem a bit long and should be cut; you have to check online to see if there are any Eat melon…
It seems that after you make up your mind to do something, other things become much more interesting than it. Then, after awakening, I begin to feel guilty, regretful, and constantly criticize myself. Then, we fall into a vicious cycle of “the more anxious we are, the less able we are to act.”
We always seem to be facing similar situations: when facing some more “happy” temptations, should we control ourselves, or should we enjoy ourselves in the moment? Why do we often fail to control our actions even though we know that indulging in addiction is not good?
Today, let’s talk about: Why are we always uncontrollably addicted to pleasure and unable to achieve the self-discipline we want?
The more you push yourself, the easier it is to lose control?
When facing the temptation of “pleasure”, we often fall into the misunderstanding that as long as we exercise self-control, we can control our desires and not indulge in them. For example, when facing milk tea, I tell myself over and over again, “Don’t drink it, you can’t drink it, I can’t drink it!” However, if you restrain your desire in this way, it will work once, but what about three times? What about five times?
The American Psychological Association points out: Self-control is a limited and depleted resource for an individual. Every time we fight temptation, we are also losing self-control. After fighting several temptations in a row, our self-control will plummet. At the same time, the mentality of forcing ourselves to be in control will bring us more anxiety more often, thus making you fall into a vicious cycle.
For example, we plan to stop staying up late, climb into bed early, put the phone aside, force ourselves to close our eyes, and wait for ourselves to fall asleep quickly. But you will find that you can’t sleep no matter what. On the contrary, it will make you: the more you force yourself, the more you can’t sleep, the more you want to stop playing with your mobile phone, and the more you become addicted to the colorful world on your mobile phone. Then, I will experience frustration and a sense of loss of control, which will spread to everything I experience, and I will “characterize” myself: I can’t even do this little thing, I am really a bad person. Therefore, instead of anxiously forcing yourself to “control”, it is better to try to have a dialogue with your inner self: Why am I so easily out of control?
Why am I not as good as others in self-control?
Why are some people good at self-control, while others can never control their desires? Behind this, it is often related to the following three factors:
1. Suffering neglect in childhood.
We face a huge danger and challenge after birth: How to survive? As a completely incapable of autonomy, we ask for food, warmth, and love from our caregivers. As we grow older, we will have higher emotional needs from our caregivers, especially their love, care and acceptance. If during these stages we are either neglected by our caregivers, or over-indulged by our caregivers, emotionally alienated, structurally unbalanced, etc., our emotional needs will never be met.
It is very likely that this desire will return to the material level and use materials to fill one’s desire for love and security. Such as shopping addiction, overeating, addiction to games, etc.
2. Insufficient intrinsic motivation
A person’s motivation will also have an impact on the strength of self-control. Foreign researchers have found that people who are driven by intrinsic goals are less likely to exhaust their self-control. And those who act based on the needs of the outside world or others, or who believe that they are forced to exercise self-control, will be more likely to exhaust their self-control.
To put it simply, if you are doing something you really want to do, your self-control and performance will be relatively better, and you can continue to resist various temptations. But if you are required by the outside world, such as doing a job that you don’t like but your parents ask you to do it, your self-control “defense line” will be more likely to collapse.
3. Low beliefs
: Studies have shown that people’s beliefs and expectations about their own self-control abilities will affect their self-control and willpower. When completing the same task, those who believe that their self-control is limited will perform worse and persist for a shorter time; while those who believe that their self-control is relatively strong will perform relatively better and persist for a longer time. .
When we don’t have many expectations of ourselves, it’s easy for us to think “so what?” and not consider the consequences of doing things, but only consider the pleasure of the moment. Because people who don’t have much expectations for the future often feel that “nothing matters, everything is the same.” Then, he began to exile himself and indulge in pleasure.
True self-control can also be a little indulgent
Have you ever set a goal similar to this:
”I want to lose weight! Reduce to 90 pounds! No matter how I take pictures, I will look good!” ”
I want to earn 1 million this year! Realize financial freedom as soon as possible!”
I think as long as the goal is attractive enough, we will Have enough perseverance to persevere. But in fact, too ambitious and long-term goals are difficult to inspire in the short term. On the contrary, those pleasures that are easily available, such as eating, drinking, playing games, watching short videos, etc., can easily give us instant “happiness”.
Freud said: “Everything people do is either to pursue happiness or to avoid pain. This is the ultimate driving force for all human behaviors.” Our human nature is to want to obtain timely satisfaction and happiness. Coupled with the era of information explosion, too much information is quietly stealing our attention.
It is really not an easy task to exercise strict self-control to achieve your goals. But conversely, we can also use this instinct to control ourselves and manage our desires:
1. Allow yourself to indulge appropriately
. As mentioned above, self-control will be depleted. When we have exhausted our self-control by persisting for a long time, it will be more difficult for us to control ourselves when faced with temptation. Therefore, we might as well indulge once in a while while persisting for a long time. For example, if we are losing weight, we can “reward” ourselves with a cup of milk tea after half a month to satisfy our desire for milk tea. When the desire is satisfied, the conflict between “I really want to drink” and “I can’t drink” will be reduced, and our self-control will rise accordingly, allowing us to deal with the next desire more effectively. Only by giving yourself an indulgence once in a while can you really stick to it.
2. Set goals like game upgrades
If you have played games, you should also have a deep experience: the tasks are from easy to difficult. If we fight the big boss from the beginning, we will definitely be frustrated, frustrated, and even want to give up. But when we start from Novice Village and upgrade step by step, it will not be so difficult. We can also do this in life, breaking down a big long-term goal into small goals one by one.
For example, if we set a goal of saving 100,000 yuan a year, we can consider saving 8,000 yuan a month as a small goal. Every time we complete a small goal, our task progress advances by another level, and we are one step closer to successfully saving money!
3. Give yourself feedback and rewards
Compared with doing other things, games attract our attention more. Why is this? Because the game has reward settings. By giving titles, upgrade rewards, etc., let us invest time in playing games under the incentives brought by rewards. This can also be done in our daily work and study, and we can take the initiative to give ourselves some rewards. For example, if you work effectively for 6 hours today, reward yourself with a delicious dinner with your friends. By breaking down goals and providing timely rewards, we can gain timely satisfaction and happiness from study and work, and reduce temptations and distractions.
4. Accept mistakes and forgive yourself.
No matter how good a person is, there are times when he succumbs to temptation. But after giving themselves briefly to temptation, they do not criticize themselves but forgive themselves. Because if we are immersed in guilt and guilt all the time, our inner conflicts will consume more of our psychological energy. The brain will arrange more immediate happiness to soothe our emotions. For example, when we are losing weight, we feel guilty because we couldn’t help but eat an extra piece of fried chicken. Then, he starts attacking himself and becomes depressed. At this time, we will unconsciously eat more “calories” to comfort ourselves. In the end, the weight loss mission failed. Therefore, accept your mistake of “weak willpower”, forgive yourself, adjust your mentality and continue to achieve your goals. Of course, in terms of action, we can try to change step by step, and the psychological distress hidden under “addiction to pleasure” also needs to be resolved.