Why Do People Rain On Your Parade? Understanding the Psychology of Disappointment

Many people often encounter some very disappointing behaviors in their lives. For example, when you share something that you feel very happy with with your friends, he or she will act very indifferent and say, “What’s so happy about this?” Another example is when you excitedly share some of your achievements with your parents, your parents will always Said: “Are you proud? Look at other people’s children!” Why do some people always say disappointing things when they open their mouths?

It’s really hard for someone who is a killjoy to be happy for others.

For some people, it’s really hard to be happy for others because their personality trait is to be a “killer.”

According to the five major personality traits theory, a person’s personality characteristics can be divided into five dimensions, namely extroversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism and openness, among which agreeableness and openness are closely related to the “poor personality” .

Agreeableness refers to the degree of friendliness and cooperation toward others and reflects a person’s attitude and behavior in interpersonal relationships. Spoilers generally have lower scores on the agreeableness dimension because they are competitive people in character and pay more attention to personal ideas and achievements. Therefore, when they face the joy and success shared by others, their first reaction is often It’s “I can do better than this, so it’s not a big deal”, or “There are people outside of you who have to maintain a sense of crisis at all times, so this achievement is not enough, the goal must be more ambitious.”

Openness refers to an individual’s receptivity to new ideas, culture, and experiences. People with low openness scores prefer traditional and familiar things. When faced with novel experiences shared by others or niche and unpopular things, they often show a tendency to resist and belittle. For example, they often say: “Business is not serious.” Go ahead and engage in these evil ways all day long.”

I don’t want to spoil the fun, but I really don’t understand

The most important thing is to recognize and understand the emotions and thoughts expressed by others. This is often called “sympathy” or “empathy”, but psychologists prefer to call it “theory of mind” , which is a very important social cognitive ability that allows us to infer the intentions, emotions, and opinions of others, and predict the possible behaviors and reactions of others.

A study from the University of Pennsylvania used comprehension tasks and the Social Cooperation Scale to explore the relationship between theory of mind and social cooperation abilities in adults. The comprehension task consists of a series of short stories describing interpersonal relationships or conflicts. After listening to the story, the subject needs to choose between two options, such as judging whether A believes that B believes that C is lying, or whether A Thinking that B does not believe that C is lying, the number of correct answers by the subject reflects the level of his or her theory of mind. The Social Cooperation Scale assesses an individual’s multi-dimensional characteristics such as social acceptance, empathy, helpfulness, and compassion, and can well reflect an individual’s social ability. The results of the study found that there is a negative correlation between social cooperation ability and the number of incorrect answers to comprehension tasks. In other words, the lower the theory of mind, the lower the social communication ability.

Therefore, as a person who is regarded as a “disappointment” in everyone’s eyes, he actually has his own troubles. Sometimes it is not because they deliberately want to be a disappointment, but because they are not good at identifying and understanding other people’s emotions and intentions.

The key to fighting disappointment: Put yourself in someone else’s shoes

In many cases, it is much better for us to point out the disappointing words and deeds of others and fully express our feelings about it than to be directly angry or silent. Because the other party may have that kind of personality, or they may not understand your point at first, so they say those disappointing words. And when the other party fully understands what you mean or knows your expectations, it will be easier for TA to make changes.

When trying to put the other person in their shoes, it is important to remain emotionally stable. On the one hand, this is because we can express ourselves appropriately without causing emotional contradictions and conflicts; on the other hand, because emotional value can not only come from the feedback of others, but also from our own hearts, and this An emotional value will not disappear due to negative feedback from others. We can still continue to enjoy our own achievements and joy.

Of course, sometimes it is difficult for us to get those who are disappointing to put themselves in their shoes, but we must also remember that we always have the freedom to actively choose the environment.

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