Little fish finger

Tomato curled up there, sleeping soundly, and could see its belly rising and falling rhythmically, when the sound of rain suddenly became louder, it arched half of its body, and its amber eyes stared at the rain curtain, waiting for it to be determined to be the sound of rain. Afterwards, he narrowed his eyes and softened. A burst of hurried footsteps followed, Tomato stood up with a “meow”, and pressed his soft body to the feet of the man whose trousers were high and covered in mud.

The man swayed the grasshopper woven with grass stalks in front of the tomato and inserted it into the crack of the brick beside the door. Then he raised his foot and kicked the tomato out vigorously. The tomato tumbled in the muddy water, got up quickly, shook the muddy water off his body after a circle, walked cautiously to the man’s feet again, and looked up at the man with flattering eyes.

When my eyes were repeated with the tomato, I realized that this person has a face similar to mine, but without those hideous scars, it looks much better. I was in a trance, feeling that this should be me, or another me. I lay on the bed and couldn’t move, the owner with this face slowly approached me from the air, seeing that face was about to touch my face, her down hair swept my neck, my neck is very sensitive , but the fear in my heart at that time covered up those insignificant itchiness. I told myself in my heart to avoid her as soon as possible, and when she was covered, my body and even my soul would be occupied by this fake, like the princess and the fox demon in “Painted Skin”. But my subconscious mind told me not to resist, this is just right, I will no longer be that ugly.

I still shouted with all my strength, but the voice rushed out of my throat, but it was like babbling, soft and powerless. At the same time, I realized it was a dream.

“Are you sure what you are experiencing is not a tactile dream?” Even though I had woken up, the illusory “I” had disappeared, but I really heard this question, not perceiving, but hearing. It took me a long time to digest the phrase, “Are you sure what you’re experiencing isn’t a conscious dream?” I even got up and wrote it down in my journal. Who can prove that what we think of as a short and long, wonderful and boring life is not a dream ending in “death”?

It was indeed raining, and outside the rear window, from time to time, the wind lifted the branches of the jujube tree with new leaves and swept it on the frosted glass. Tomato curled up at the end of the bed and slept soundly, with a slight purr, his belly heaving rhythmically just like in my dream.

In WeChat, my cousin distributed a message at 11:34: Xiaoyu, it’s raining, tomorrow we’ll go dig bamboo shoots and get some dried bamboo shoots to put on the shelves. The fresh bamboo forest after the rain, I’m sure your fans will love it. After finishing the speech, three little penguins were added. I stared at this message for a while, imagining walking in the bamboo forest after the rain, with my shoes wrapped in mud, I felt my legs became heavy, like a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from.

It was still dark, and I was still thinking about the dream, so that another question came into being: “Am I really alive?” Then I proved to myself that I should be alive, because I can breathe on my own, have a pulse, and have Heartbeat, and sadness.

In the mirror with a broken corner, the pale pink scar below the nose passes through the right corner of the mouth, spreads to the entire right lower jaw, and reaches the neck. If you can turn your eyes, you will also find that the scar has crawled from the neck to the chest. The culprit behind these scars is a pot of porridge.

Since the age of the first love, I have imagined more than once, in the future, when I stand naked in front of my husband, how will he look at these scars, disappointment, contempt, or panic? I even devised a rhetoric for myself: If you think the outside is more important than the inside, let’s break up! So, since then, I have worked hard to give my mind and soul the highest courtesy, never stop watching, never stop thinking, never stop reading. After dropping out of high school, I still didn’t stop learning. But even so, my rich spiritual world cannot cure the barren inferiority complex.

My mind unknowingly returned to the scene in elementary school – I lowered my head and a lonely goose was walking on the way home. On the path behind the school wall, I was blocked by several male classmates, obviously doing nothing. , but it seems that some guilty conscience has been noticed by everyone. I stared at my toes at a loss with the strap of my schoolbag. I clearly remember that I was wearing a pair of white sneakers that were very similar to ballet shoes.

Classmate Xiao Feng pushed his classmate Xiao Lin to my side and said, “I’m willing to admit defeat, this ugly bastard is here, you kiss her.” Xiao Lin quickly covered his mouth and shouted vaguely: “Well… no… I don’t want to kiss her. This ugly bastard.” I raised my head and met his eyes of contempt and disgust. He has excellent grades and a cheerful personality. Although he is a little naughty and a little bad, he is someone I secretly like. At that time, for the first time, I understood the true meaning of the phrase “I wish I could dig a hole in the ground”. If there was a pond next to it, I would definitely jump in without hesitation. I pushed and shoved them with all my strength, Xiaolin sat in the muddy field next to him and shouted in anger, while the other students laughed. His face was cool and wet. It was a long, long way from the scene before I realized I was shaking.

I thought I could put up a shield to block these memories, but it’s too cunning to attack you from the front, but from the side, or even from the back. Being humiliated by someone I like is too lethal. It is better than being despised by others any time later, so that after so many years, every memory is a self-blaming for me.

Later, when I grew up, I gradually realized that the happiness of a person’s life is closely related to the experience of childhood, because the heart of a child is a very fragile thing, and the cruel beginning of this world will distort it into strange shapes, or like iron Like a walnut and hard and pitted, or like a slug that can only stay in a dark and damp corner, any ordinary thing is like a handful of salt sprinkled on it, hurting it, and even turning it into a pool of water.

I belong to the latter, so you can probably understand me.

Not only can I prove myself, I am alive, and so can my millions of followers. But I also understand that when I am alive, I am only alive, and the personality and temperament that has been set in my childhood has made me no longer able to talk about poets, music, love, and future friends. I tell myself that I don’t need someone like that, but I also understand that in my heart, in a locked room with lost keys, I desperately hope that one day someone will find the key and open the rusted lock to free it.

In the bamboo forest, our team is ready. It is said that it is a team. In fact, there are only four people including me. The photographer, the assistant, and the coordinator is my cousin.

In the bamboo forest after the rain in the camera, countless small transparent raindrops hang on the bamboo leaves and grass stems, glowing. The spring bamboo shoots are looking at the world with their heads stuck out, and they don’t seem to be worried about the next fate. I was wearing a hanfu, wearing a hat veil, carrying a basket and a hoe and slowly walked into the camera range.

Before becoming the host of the video “Little Fish’s Fingers,” I worked on the assembly line of a clothing factory in town. Even in this new era, even if I am full of poetry and books and think I am different from some rural girls who also have no higher education, my face will still be a hindrance to finding a decent job. Just like I have reached the age to be married, but few people care about it. Occasionally, people come to matchmaking, and the other party also has physical defects, such as an ugly old bachelor, a disabled person with limited mobility, and even a polio patient the year before last. At that time, my mother was very angry and said that she would rather support me for the rest of her life than marry me to that kind of person. I was very moved and deeply realized what is called “mother’s love”. You must know that in our countryside, the relationship between parents and children is full of barriers, and neither party will express “love” directly.

At the beginning of the year, my cousin came to the house and accidentally took a video of the process of weaving grasshoppers and crickets with bamboo leaves, and put it on his video account, which attracted a lot of onlookers and praise.

“Wow, my hands are so dexterous, I read it several times.”

“It’s lively and vivid, try it tomorrow and let the children play.”

“The watchman should be a pretty girl.”

“I can play with these hands for a year.”

“It’s a pair of hands that play the piano.”

My cousin excitedly showed me the screenshots of all the comments and comments, and said that he had gained hundreds of followers because of this video. In this network era of traffic monetization, my cousin found a business opportunity in my hands. When he came to my house again, he made a terrifying suggestion to make me an internet celebrity. I hate all those internet celebrities who seek to gain attention, beg for attention, and beg for gifts. Even more repulsive than the occasional chasing after you begging.

“Cousin, it’s not realistic, I can make up just a few things, and I don’t want to be an internet celebrity, and I can’t be.”

“It doesn’t get in the way, and you don’t have to use bamboo leaves to weave. You can do other handicrafts. Your hands are inherently dexterous. I remember that you seem to be able to do utensils. Your grandfather taught you.” , books like turning waste into treasure are stuffed into my hands. He added, “I said you can do it if you can.” My cousin has the right to speak among relatives. Although he is only in his thirties, he is well-informed and quick-witted. In the words of his hometown , he can draw.

“What about my face?” That’s the most important thing. I don’t believe my cousin even ignored this most important crux.

My cousin smiled and said, “I’ve thought about it, it’s okay, we can just pat your hands first. If you really want to show your face in the future, we’ll think of a way.” After that, he covered the area below my nose with his hands, and my eyes lit up. Liang, “Put a veil on, you won’t lose to any beauties in ancient costumes in martial arts dramas.”

My cousin has been hard at work for several days, and I was shaken after he explained to me the huge rewards of traffic monetization, advertising placement, and video delivery. My parents also said that you can try it first. If it is really like what my cousin said, earning money is as simple as that, then quit the job in the factory.

“Xiaoyu, haven’t you always wanted plastic surgery? When you can make a net profit of tens of thousands or even hundreds of thousands a month, are you afraid that you won’t have the money for plastic surgery?” My cousin reassured me again.

My biggest wish in life is to save enough money to do cosmetic surgery. After someone introduced me to a patient with cerebral palsy that time, my parents took me to a tertiary hospital in the provincial capital for consultation. After an examination, the doctor said that because of the burn for nearly 20 years, I have severe scars again, and It is the muscle that is injured, and the tendon contractures in the neck. In addition to excising and releasing the scar and releasing the muscle, multiple skin grafting operations are required.

“How come it’s been delayed until now? The sooner this type of burn is treated, the better the effect. The younger the age, the better the regeneration of the skin and cells.” The doctor looked at my face and asked, as if he could cut glass.

I don’t know how to answer, I can only smile awkwardly. Many times, even if we have good wishes, the process of achieving our wishes is tortuous.

“How much will it cost?” Dad sat there, rubbing his hands cautiously, and asked the topic he cared about most.

“Depending on the degree of recovery, there may be tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands.” The doctor said it easily, with a gentle foggy gray look in his eyes.

But at that moment, I captured the surprised expressions on my parents’ faces, which turned into self-blame expressions.

“That can guarantee the child’s face…” Before the mother’s careful question completely jumped out of her mouth, the doctor glanced at his “dipping” mobile phone and said slowly: “I’m sorry, I didn’t The way to guarantee, I can only say, after a series of operations, the situation will be much better than now. I believe that in your daughter’s situation, no doctor can guarantee that she will recover exactly like a normal person. Of course, if you go to those Without a qualified private plastic surgery hospital, they may promise you at the beginning, but you must also know that the final result will definitely be different from what they promised.”

“Thank you, doctor. Let’s go home and discuss it again.” Dad stood up and said politely.

“Okay, do it as soon as possible. If you want to come, it is best to come in spring and autumn. If you sweat in summer, and if it is too cold in winter, the effect of the operation will also be affected.”

“Okay…” Dad said hurriedly.

On the way back by bus, we didn’t speak. I looked out the window at the bustling cities and villages galloping back and forth, and a feeling of powerlessness as strong as pain surged in my heart. When we were about to get home, the twilight came, and when my father finished smoking a cigarette, he said, “try to save money.” Mom didn’t answer, but heaved a long sigh.

At that time, the murky night was pulled down by an unknown bird call.

My parents are honest farmers. Apart from growing some fields, my father works odd jobs in the county town. My mother’s health is not very good. As far as I can remember, there is often a strong smell of traditional Chinese medicine in the house. When villagers see the dregs at the crossroads at the entrance of the village, they will always say that Chunlan (mother’s name) must have fallen. Even so, he has cultivated a younger brother, who is now a sophomore in a 985 school, which is probably the only thing our family is proud of.

I have done precise calculations. The amount of money for plastic surgery requires how many bricks my father has to move and how many years of working in the mud fields to get it. If I piled it all on those scars, those guilt feelings, would form new scars in my heart.

I promised my cousin.

In the beginning, my cousin used a mobile phone to record videos, and only took pictures of my hands when I was doing handicrafts. I gave a brief explanation. Occasionally, my back was shown, but the effect was not good. Some people also left a message asking why I didn’t show up. Later, my cousin introduced me to the “Dai Yi” cultural media company in the county. He and the company Wang are always classmates. They have professional video shooting, editing, post-production capabilities and resources, and more importantly, they know how to create Internet celebrity. They agreed that showing their hands alone could not satisfy the audience, and that there were many limitations in video shooting, so the idea of ​​wearing Hanfu and hat veil was born to create an ancient style Internet celebrity. Since I’m in good shape, this way of dressing up makes the best of my strengths and avoids my weaknesses. The content of the video has also changed from a single hand-knitting to more extensive, cooking, farming, etc. Sometimes my parents and village neighbors also show up, which is really attractive. got a lot of fans. People living in cities are probably trapped by steel forests. The fast-paced life makes them have no time and mood to get close to nature and mountains and rivers. Therefore, they can only seek some solace in the Internet to relax their body and mind. Just like the reason why eating and broadcasting is popular now is because people don’t dare to eat and drink arbitrarily because of their physical and physical reasons.

All secrets have a day when they are exposed, so in order to prevent accidents, the team asked me to make a simple explanation on the first day I wore a veil. The reason why I dressed like this was because my face was burned when I was a child. It was covered up to cause everyone’s discomfort. Although there were some doubts and ridicules, most people expressed understanding and sympathy.

Three months after I signed a contract with once, my income is enough for me to have plastic surgery. Fortunately, we are not live video, so we can record a few more episodes and save it without affecting the video update. So, accompanied by my cousin, I went to that hospital, found the doctor, and performed a repair operation, but the results were not good.

The biggest gain from that trip was to meet a girl in the plastic surgery department whose face was splattered with acid by her ex-boyfriend. Her disfigurement was shocking, but she was very confident and generous, and could talk to others with a smile, unlike me , and never dared to receive glances from others.

After digging a few bamboo shoots, the filming at this stage was suspended. I sat on a rock and scraped the mud on the soles of my shoes with branches. My cousin came over and asked, “Xiaoyu, you don’t seem to be in a good state today!”

I took off my bamboo hat and veil, so that he could see my expression: “No! What? Isn’t the recording effect bad?”

With the increase in the number of fans, “Xiaoyu’s Finger” has entered a number of video platforms. One after another, some merchants are seeking cooperation to implant soft advertisements in my videos. Later, my cousin suggested that some agricultural products (sweet potatoes, black beans, red beans, potatoes, rice noodles, etc.) could be hung in the window of the video account. I didn’t expect that the sales would be possible. In addition to the ones grown by my parents, I also bought all the other people in the village. come.

A few days ago, I went to the mountains and forests to pick bracken with my mother. The video of that episode was also very popular. Many people have never seen the cute appearance of a slender bracken sticking out of the grass, which is very novel. . Twenty kilograms of fresh bracken are not enough to sell, and many people leave messages wanting to buy sun-dried ones. My mother is buying the bracken picked by the mother-in-law and aunts in the village these days.

Although I have become a promising person in the eyes of my family and the villagers. But under those halos, I always felt that I was an ugly marionette being manipulated by others, which made me anxious and tired, especially when I recently saw an Internet celebrity who was discovered by fans because of the filter to be actually a fat and chubby puppet. Ugly aunt, and the series of online violence caused by her, scared me, because I seemed to see my future in her. Last night’s dream also seemed to be a symptom of some kind.

The photographer interrupted at this time: “Your voice is more than two degrees lower than usual, and the speed of speech is also slower. The important thing is that there are no emotional ups and downs.”

“Maybe I didn’t sleep well last night,” I said. When I was digging up bamboo shoots, I somehow thought of the phrase I read in a certain book, “No one dies suddenly, they all die little by little.”

Those who hide behind the screen of all kinds are as cute as they are terrifying.

The sun was setting, my cousin and my assistant were dragging a bamboo each, and I was walking on the village road with a basket of bamboo shoots on my back. Above the roof, the smoke from the cooking was everywhere, and the photographer was shooting behind us. In the lens, such a scene must be full of charming fireworks.

Grandpa was a bamboo craftsman before his death. In the past, anyone who needed to make bamboo utensils would invite grandpa to the house, with poles, fish baskets, bamboo baskets, rice baskets, sieves, bamboo beds, chairs, mats… Grandpa’s craftsmanship is superb, from his hands The bamboo wares born are beautiful and durable. Dad didn’t inherit grandpa’s craftsmanship. Grandpa said that Dad’s hands were too clumsy, and he couldn’t learn anything. I am handy, but my grandfather said that girls are not suitable for this. Every time he said this, he would stretch out his hand to show me. It was a pair of hands full of scars, calluses, thick and crooked joints. So what he taught me was mostly small objects, grasshopper cages, colanders, and small storage baskets.

My mother often said that my disfigurement was because of my grandfather. She was obviously very gentle and kind, and she added the sentence “I am immortal.” But I can’t hate my grandfather. I didn’t know what hatred was when I was a child. When I grew up and became sensible, I didn’t want to hate a middle-aged wife who lost his wife. With a knife, I made my younger siblings and son’s loneliness. old man.

It was the autumn when I was five years old. Grandpa was cutting bamboo in the yard and making greens. On the coal stove in the corner of the yard, a pot of porridge was being boiled. While chasing a chicken, I stumbled over a piece of bamboo and knocked over the boiling porridge.

Grandpa simply cleaned it up (he didn’t take off my clothes, he ignored the rice porridge that slipped in through the neckline, so the porridge on the chest stayed the longest, and the burns were the worst), panicked and hugged me, who was crying. Go to the neighbor’s house to ask for suet oil, it is said that suet oil is the best scald medicine. But later it turned out that suet was not very useful. They all said that it is too powerful to boil porridge, which is worse than boiling water, because it will stick to the skin. At that time, people living in isolated villages never relied on the hospital, so even with such a serious burn, my family never thought of sending me to the hospital as soon as possible, until the wound became inflamed and pus, and they just went to the barefoot doctor’s house to hang it. A little anti-inflammatory water and a little ointment. I don’t remember the scene at all, even though it was so painful and so heart-wrenching crying. Those scenes were restored by my grandfather. Every time my grandfather said this, he would sigh and say sorry to me, and then wipe the corners of his eyes with his hands like the bark of the locust tree.

I’ve assumed many times that if Grandpa hadn’t cut the bamboo that day, or Mom hadn’t been out that day, then she’d be cooking porridge in the kitchen stove, or I’d not run after the chicken, or I’d not tripped, or not Overturning that big aluminum pot, as long as there is a little deviation in any link, everything will be different, and my life and destiny will be rewritten. However, life has no ifs.

When I was twelve, my grandfather died, and his craft went to the grave with him, including his guilt. His parents burned everything he used during his lifetime, including his clothes, bedding, including a bamboo chair he used to sit on, and a teapot with a gaping mouth that he would never leave his hands. However, his bamboo works scattered in various households have remained in the world.

“Hi, everyone, I’m Xiaoyu. It rained last night, isn’t the bamboo forest beautiful after the rain? Look, the bamboo shoots in the bamboo forest have all come out, we will dig some back today.

We dig these unsightly bamboo shoots, because it is after rain, it is not easy to distinguish. If it is a sunny day, we will dig bamboo shoots in the morning. There is no dew on the tips of the bamboo shoots, indicating that there are moths. Such bamboo shoots can be dug up because It doesn’t work. Bamboo shoots with a lot of dew indicate that the body is very healthy…

I was beaten by my mother once when I was a child and wanted to run away from home. So I wanted to keep walking along this stream, and keep walking, until I reached the sea. Hehe, am I being naive? There are so many pebbles in the creek, they are round and smooth, but who knows, what kind of pain they have gone through to grind off those edges and corners?

These bamboo shoots, we pack up, blanch them, let them dry, tear them into strips, and dry them into dried bamboo shoots.

Okay, that’s all for today’s video, thanks to the friends who paid attention to ‘Xiaoyu’s Finger’, see you in the next issue! ”

I watched this 18-minute video twice and flipped through the comments. At the beginning, I didn’t dare to watch the video where I was the protagonist. I felt embarrassed and even more incredible. I imagined and planned my future countless times, but no matter what, I never thought that I would become an Internet celebrity.

“I also want to go to this bamboo forest to break bamboo shoots.”

“Xiaoyu’s outfit today is so beautiful, like a fairy.”

“Fate. Xiaoyu, you know? I was beaten by my father once when I was a child, and I wanted to run away from home along a river in our hometown.”

“Xiaoyu, I want to buy this fresh bamboo shoot, and when will this bamboo shoot be on the shelves!”

“It’s disgusting. Wearing a hanfu and a veil, is it to make people’s attention, or is it too ugly to be seen?”

Our team didn’t have the time to reply to them one by one, but every comment was liked, including some different voices. Every time there are a few negative comments, but every such comment will have some fans standing out for me.

“No one invites you to come and see, go slowly!”

“Some people are gangsters. It is estimated that no one cares about them in life. They come to the Internet to find a sense of existence.”

“Don’t talk nonsense if you don’t know anything. Xiaoyu explained the reason on the first day he appeared in this costume.”

With the increase of fans, the continuous praise, the increase of income, the praise of the villagers, and the admiration of my relatives, I did inflate myself for a while, but fortunately, it did not last for too long. That being said, in a sense, I should probably thank them.

It’s been almost a year, and I’ve gotten used to the questioning and ridicule, and even more vicious ones, maybe because he (she) is telling the truth. If you want to stand on the Internet, you must have enough mind to face all praise or slander. This was the first thing he said to me when I first met Mr. Wang, the owner of “Once Upon a Time”. At that time, he also asked me if I was ready. He also said that my face is an obstacle for me to become an Internet celebrity, but it may also be a help.

Although I first got involved in this industry, it was for making money and plastic surgery, but now, I really fell in love with this profession, yes, I regard it as a profession. Sometimes watching myself walking in the camera, weaving tools, it is like owning the whole world. On top of that, I’m so used to interacting with so many people that it would be a huge ordeal to be alone again.

My cousin told me that in the future, I don’t have to weave bamboo utensils and make handicrafts, but I can shoot videos like this, and I can also sell some local specialties to increase the income of the villagers, and maybe I can also introduce my hometown. But I don’t quite agree. If so, it will deviate from the original intention of “finger of small fish”.

“Forget all of this, what is more important than the popularity of fans and the surge in playback volume?” My cousin’s words blocked me to death, but I still insisted on recording the video of the editor in the next issue.

Later, I recalled that in the afternoon of recording that video, I had some sensations. For example, when I was cutting bamboo pieces, I was always uncertain about the width and width. When it was green, the green skin was too thick. The hand is injured, and everything is not going well. Those secrets are about to be revealed. The question is just how accurate is the time.

The video of the small green and yellow storage basket I compiled with the most difficult tortoise shell method has been viewed more than 300,000 times on various platforms, and my number of fans on a certain platform has finally exceeded 100. Wan, the platform called to congratulate and said that it would mail me a commemorative trophy.

It was this video that made my cousin understand that it is not only the video material that determines the number of views and popularity, but it is also this video that exposes my hidden secrets to the public in the most tragic way.

A person whose online name is “Caesar” posted this comment: “I’m a classmate of Xiaoyu, come to solve the mystery, the reason why she wears a veil is because her face is disfigured! I’m sure you’ve seen her Really, I can’t eat, I didn’t expect such a person to become an Internet celebrity… Also, don’t look at her like this, there is a team running, the style is very big, and the money you make is beyond your imagination .” Below the comment was a graduation photo of our elementary school. Although the photo was a bit rundown, I stood in the farthest corner with a ferocious face, but it was still very conspicuous, like a flower that had been watered by boiling water and could not bloom in time.

I don’t know if “Caesar” is Xiao Feng or Xiao Lin, or who else. But when I saw this comment, I only felt that the feeling I had when I was a child came back again. I felt like a cat that lost its owner and was injured, fighting with a vicious dog in the dead corner where the trash can was placed, with almost no chance of life. .

Once at the market, a cat covered in black was wandering beside a red plastic basin in front of a fish stall. The fishmonger used a fishing net and swung it down at it. He landed on my lap, and then he didn’t run away immediately, but looked up at me, and called out “meow”, and the stars in his eyes wanted to move. It is tomato.

Once I saved the tomato, is anyone willing to save me now?

The number of views of this video has exceeded 600,000 times, and more than 3,000 comments have been made. That comment occupied the sofa, and there have been hundreds of replies, most of which are scolding “Caesar”, and some people who eat melon join in the fun Yes, commenting on that photo, let me take off my veil and take the initiative to admit my mistakes and clarify everything. Some people even think that this comment was made by our team. The purpose is to hype and become popular. Like some stars, a piece of black material is leaked from time to time to increase exposure and attention.

Our team held a meeting. To my surprise, Mr. Wang and my cousin both thought there was no need to delete this comment. On the contrary, it was a good thing. Like the person said, this is a great opportunity to increase popularity. . In fact, the number of fans has also verified that what they said is true.

Those people’s arguments at the beginning gradually evolved into a war of words, and the topic of their argument has been separated from the issue of my appearance. But the initiator “Caesar” disappeared. I don’t know if he regrets it? Probably not, or he would have disarmed the blockbuster himself. Just like Xiao Lin back then, I will never forget the mean words and disgusting eyes, and he may never have the thought of “I wish I hadn’t said it once.”

Many fans sent private messages to comfort me, saying don’t care about that person’s vicious comments, if you want to wear a crown, you must suffer.

“Whatever we want, the ending will turn out. It just takes time. Don’t let anyone’s ugly language become an obstacle to the ending you want.” This is the confident girl who was in the hospital at the time, after parting time, tell me. Later, I used this sentence to encourage myself and work hard for it. But now I don’t know if I can get over those hurdles myself.

Many times, it is not that we do not understand the truth, but when we are really involved, how many people can be undisturbed, think rationally, and deal with it calmly? The so-called enlightenment only applies to others. Convince yourself, never others, but yourself.

My parents are not very good at using smartphones, but it does not mean that they are ignorant of this turmoil, so the meals were a lot more plentiful, and my dull father even played a joke on me carefully.

Greek gods like to fight over feuds, but always use mortals as pawns. These people on the Internet have no feud, but they use me as a pawn and an excuse for them to vent their emotions.

At night, I fell asleep without any accident, and indulged in ethereal sentimentality. When the rooster croaked twice, between half-dreams and half-awakes, I saw myself with a bloated body, faded years and scars on my face, sitting alone. The scene on the rocking chair, but in the cold and lonely environment, was unexpectedly full of a kind of strong force.

Seeing me so depressed and unwilling to make videos, my cousin was a little annoyed.

“That person is telling the truth.” I care more about the truth. The truth is more cruel than the lie. I knew it when I was a child.

“What does it matter if it’s true or false? Those celebrities who are drugged, cheated, and unspoken rules will not last long in the news, not to mention your trivial matter.” When my cousin said these words , is nibbling on an apple, swallowing exaggeratedly, as if swallowing resentment into his stomach.

I looked at his twitching Adam’s apple, I don’t know why I thought of cutting my throat, and then I shuddered: “Aren’t there many people who can’t bear the pressure and choose to commit suicide?”

My cousin’s expression and tone softened, and he said, “It’s not easy for us to come this far, and we can’t back down just because of this little disturbance. The best way to deal with these rumors is to ignore them. Don’t go online and don’t pay attention to videos. Leave a message later. But our video updates cannot be stopped. If we stop, it means that we are not recruiting ourselves, and we will lose a lot of fans.”

I didn’t know how to convince my cousin, so I just kept silent and piled the oranges on the table that my mother brought him to serve him, in a nonchalant pyramid shape.

“If you really care that much, I’ll find that person and ask him to apologize to you.” After speaking, he stood up and threw the half of the uneaten apple on the ground, and a chicken quickly took a bite.

With a shake of my hand, the pyramid collapsed.

Will Bamboo forgive me? Without its consent, I deprived it of the right to listen to the wind and chanting, to listen to the chirps of birds, and to be a gentleman, and abruptly put it in front of the screen, which became a tool for attracting people’s attention and making money.

But they will forgive Grandpa, I know.

I like the smell of bamboo. When I smell its refreshing smell, I think of my grandfather. He devoted himself to the craftsmanship. With the bamboo knife and bamboo in his hands, it was like he was pulling long and slow notes on a violin. , start light and gentle.

When my cousin came again, I was picking locust flowers in the yard. I looked at him, waiting for some truth to pour out of his mouth. But he was not in a hurry, and shouted to the mother in the kitchen of Phixia: “Auntie, I am hungry!” The mother stuck her head out with the water ladle, smiled and answered, and immediately brought out a few pieces from the main room Rice sugar, a cup of tea.

My cousin took a bamboo chair and sat beside me, chewing rice candy while touching the belly of the tomato curled up beside my chair. Tomato opened his eyes and glanced at him, then closed them again. “Lazy cat!” he said.

“This locust flower is so white and beautiful!” He sighed as he picked up a bunch of locust flower on the bamboo bed.

I waited for him to say that picking locust flowers and making locust flower cakes can be used as video materials. After all, in his eyes, everything is related to video materials. “Do you have a classmate named Xiaolin?” He suddenly asked, stuffing a piece of rice candy into his mouth. Tomato, who had been sleeping softly and obediently just a moment ago, suddenly changed his face and stretched out his paws to give to his cousin.

“It’s because of me.” My cousin’s voice suddenly became hoarse, like the wind blowing through the woods.

At the beginning of this year, a man who grows oyster mushrooms approached his cousin and asked for cooperation. Let us go to his oyster mushroom greenhouse to record a video to help him sell those oyster mushrooms. My cousin didn’t agree. Because of the epidemic, even though we have so many fans, it is almost impossible to sell them overseas. Besides, the quality of his oyster mushrooms is not very good. At that time, there was no one in the market, and everyone was isolated at home. Later, those oyster mushrooms all rotted in the greenhouse. I heard my cousin mention this at the time, but I didn’t take it to heart. After all, my cousin’s decision was right.

“This oyster mushroom grower is Xiao Lin’s father.”

“So that photo in that comment was Kobayashi’s revenge?”

The cousin nodded: “Don’t worry, the topic will subside sooner or later, and the most urgent thing is to update the video.”

“Didn’t you say find him and ask him to apologize?”

The cousin was stunned for a moment.

“He doesn’t want to, right?” How could that person apologize so easily, just like after the incident that year, some classmates stabbed the head teacher. After the teacher understood the reason, he asked the male classmates to apologize to me. Although everyone was reluctant, they all said sorry in a low voice. He was the only one who said with a look of grievance: “Teacher, I’m not mistaken, she is an ugly person!” The teacher was so angry that he punished him for one class, and it was over.

“No, you don’t need to worry about it, clean up your mood, and prepare to record a video tomorrow afternoon. I think the theme of Sophora japonica is a good one, so it’s called – May Sophora japonica Flower Fragrance Xiaoyu is busy.” After that, he got up and went to the kitchen.

It was night again, and a dizzy and sinking feeling tormented me, glancing at the wall clock that had stood at 5 minutes to 6 a few days earlier. The bitterness of being worthless in this world lessens a little when I think about whether it’s 5 minutes to 6 in the morning or 5 minutes to 6 in the evening, and what I’m doing at that time , at the same time, a decision also jumped out of my head at that moment.

I still read the message online.

“Why didn’t Xiaoyu update the video, did he not dare to show his face?”

“Resolutely take off the powder!”

“Disfigured, ugly, not scary, but what makes people angry is to use these to gain attention, are netizens all fools?”

“Get out now!”

“Come and see the fun! Comments are much more interesting than videos!”

“Little fish, come on, I will always support you.”

The psychological construction I did before played a defensive role. I thought that when I saw these messages, my whole body would be hollowed out, blood coagulated, and even the pain of my heart curling up in a ball, but in fact I only felt some slight Tragic and oppressive, similar to how many times I’ve read an incomplete romance novel.

“Hello everyone, I’m Xiaoyu. I’m sorry for the trouble I’ve caused everyone these days, and I solemnly say sorry to everyone. I’ve been the owner of this video for so long, thank you for your perseverance, no matter what you say. Whatever you have passed, it shows that you have watched my video seriously, which is enough.

Indeed, the unrecognizable person in the picture posted by ‘Caesar’ was me. For the past 30 years, I have always felt that I am an ugly little insect in amber, and I am afraid of the sharp eyes of others. As everyone knows, the amber that traps me is the most terrifying, but it is secreted from my heart. But, I want to smash it now, I know, it’s not too late.

I don’t want to say anything more about the team, about earnings, about whether it is hype or not. Time is the best witness. Of course, I’m not going to quit here. ”

Having said that, I took off my bamboo hat veil, straightened my body, and smiled at the camera: “This is me.”

After updating the video of this selfie to various video sites, I feel more relaxed than ever. This video is a hammer, helping me to percussion myself, the amber, under its percussion, shattered one after another. When recording the video, I rehearsed it many times until I was moved by the sparkle in my eyes after I took off the hat veil. I was originally a sentimental person, always moved by one thing after another, moonlight, fallen leaves, half-open flowers, the look of a dog, the look of a cloud… I even thought, “Caesar” saw this During the video, will he say that precious “I’m sorry”, but now, it doesn’t matter whether he says it or not.

Sometimes, why something is the way it is and not the other way, few people can explain it clearly, but I have directed it in this direction after careful consideration.

The mobile phone started calling continuously, cousin, President Wang, younger brother, and unfamiliar numbers, bombarding it in turn.

Under the sun, the rice fields in the fields are telling the unknown secrets to the wind in early summer. In the blue sky, there are a few unclimate clouds rushing towards the valley, as if something is calling there. hold them.

I walked into this hot summer without hesitation, and then looked forward to coming out firmly at the other end.