I care about other people’s opinions, even what strangers say. I had a quarrel with a colleague that day, and since then I’ve been reminiscing about the quarrel at that time, reflecting on my words and deeds, and feeling that my colleagues in the company treat me differently. Will they all think that I am a grumpy People?
Go your own way and let others talk! How many people’s motto is this famous saying? However, how many people can really live out this kind of freedom, ease of movement, and calmness?
Essentially “excessive self-attention”
It is natural to care about the opinions of others, because we are social people. In order to be better accepted by the society, we must more or less consider other people’s evaluations of us, but excessive care will cause problems.
The definition of self by psychologists is: “For everyone, others are a mirror. Individuals learn about others’ views of themselves through social interaction, and thus form their own self.” Some people like to look in the mirror very much, which reflects their lack of confidence in their appearance. They try to appease themselves by seeing a good image of themselves in the mirror. Similarly, if a person cares too much about other people’s evaluations (equivalent to a mirror), it also reflects their uncertainty about whether they are good or not, and they try to appease their inner dissatisfaction by getting praise. It can be seen from this that “too caring about others’ opinions and evaluations” essentially refers to “excessive self-concern.” In other words, the essence of the problem is not at all what others think of you, but that you take other people’s views of you too importantly, and the consequences of others’ views of you too important.
You are often not the “focus” in the crowd
Imagine this: one day you get up late, and you walk out without carefully cleaning up. Throughout the morning, you may be concerned about your poor appearance, but your colleagues have not expressed any opinion about it.
There is an effect in psychology called the focus effect. The focus effect tells us that it is easy for a normal person to overestimate the attention of people around him to his appearance and behavior, but in fact, in the eyes of others, you are not that important. When we are disappointed, sad, anxious, happy, fewer people actually notice us than we think. This is an illusion of transparency. We think that our emotions are already obvious, but in fact, in the eyes of others, your performance is not obvious enough. For ourselves, we are always keenly aware of changes in our emotions. When this emotion is more obvious, other people may notice your changes, but even if you express it through words or actions, others Nor can you deeply understand your emotions.
Give up “becoming a better person in the eyes of others”
You deny yourself, chase the excellent definitions stipulated by society, try to cater to others’ opinions, and become better, so you are dissatisfied with yourself, you start to hate yourself, and you start to feel strongly unable to accept yourself. You feel that you must reach the end of the expectation in your mind as soon as possible. Only by becoming better can you be less anxious. So this kind of anxiety and anxiety makes you more and more impetuous, and you will find that you are farther and farther away from those goals.
So what you need to be aware of is that to pursue outside standards, to pursue the approval and approval of others, and to pursue the so-called better is actually choosing to “harm” yourself from the beginning. Give up the illusion of “becoming a better person in the eyes of others” and “striving to be better than others”. The good and the right are not important. What you want is the most important.