I want to talk about my experience of suffering from depression. This is a relatively heavy topic, and sometimes it is because it is difficult to tell it that it becomes more precious.
In the spring of 2014, there was a time when I didn’t want to go out for more than a week, and I hated seeing anyone. I don’t want to do all the things that made me feel enthusiastic and happy before.
The three most common reactions to depression are: First, will you also get depression? Second, why are you worried? Tell me about it. Third, you are not happy, shall we talk about something happy?
Regarding the first point, many people think that depression should be the kind of sentimentality, which seems to be a disease of people who radiate negative energy. But I think depression is like a cold and fever. It doesn’t pick people.
The second point is that I was very impressed with the spring of 2014, because during that time I didn’t have any worries, my work went smoothly and my emotions were stable. However, maybe there is no problem, and I have to calmly face the fact that I am emotionally sick.
The third point is that the opposite of sadness is happiness, and the opposite of depression is not sadness, but vitality. If you want to eat, want to play, and be enthusiastic about everything, that is definitely not depression; if you don’t want to do anything, if you don’t have the motivation and willingness to do things, then it’s probably depression.
Everyone’s heart is like a well, and the usual healthy state is that water is bubbling out lively, and your fountain of life is particularly healthy. But slowly it was filled with rocks, fallen leaves, and mud. You think the spring water can’t come out, or the well is a little muddy. This is normal, but it didn’t happen in a day.
During the first year of consultation, I cried every time. The teacher said that my heart was like a house with many holes, and a lot of floods were flowing. I consulted for about ten months. One day after I came out, I felt so hungry. I smelled the scent of skewers next to me. For the first time, I felt that I wanted to eat. This was the first sign that I was better.
After another period of time, every time I wanted to talk, I had a lot to say, and this situation lasted for more than a year. Once the consultant and I were relatively speechless, and he said, I didn’t expect you to be speechless one day. I didn’t expect it, but I felt much better in my heart.
The consultation room I went to was in an ordinary residential building, surrounded by trees and old brick red houses. It was a very clean small room, with a small honey-colored sofa, and very good plants, and the sun would always shine in in winter. I sit in this place and feel that it is a very safe and warm place that can give me a breath.
Later, when I was tired and had to face the world, when I couldn’t go to consult, I would assume that I was there and stay with myself.
After the psychological consultation, some changes have taken place in me. I changed a lot of my previous ideas. For example, I was very afraid that one day I would rely on counseling and would always want to avoid being in a small room; I was very afraid of empathizing to a counselor, fearing that I would indulge in this kind of relationship. Unwilling to go down. But in fact none of them. After more than three years of consultation, it became this afternoon that I wanted to go to beauty or go shopping, so I would not go for consultation.
Another change of mine is the relationship with my parents. I especially yearn for myself to be a perfect child and let my parents be proud of me, but I cannot satisfy my parents in this aspect of marriage and love. I’m not married yet, maybe I don’t plan to get married yet. But after I received psychological counseling for a period of time, I accepted it. There is no perfect parent or perfect child in this world.
I had a long conversation with my mother last year, and she gave me a big surprise. She said, “Don’t force yourself to get married because we put pressure on you. As long as you feel happy, we will be very happy. A happy life is a great filial piety.” I feel relieved, which is also a particularly good thing I have experienced.
The psychological counseling and psychological growth in the past two years are particularly magical. When I was sitting on an airplane one day last year, I had a strange feeling that I had never experienced in my 30 years of life: at that moment I felt very calm, without any sense of shame, guilt, or anxiety. sense. It feels good, but it’s not narcissistic, it’s very calm, and it feels full and complete inside. That moment is like a transparent crystal, illuminating the first 30 years of my life, and also illuminating the last 30 years of my life.
People often ask me what kind of life I want to live. I think of a writer I like. His name is Carver. Before he died, he said, “Did you get what you want in this life?” I got it.
What do you want? I want to love, I want to be loved, I want to call myself dear.
