Life is very fragile. After every patient we treat dies, they are like wounds carved on our body one after another. These marks will not disappear, and then become who I am now.
The only way to be a novice doctor From
1995 to 1996, when I was in my thirties, I met two patients who were my peers.
A boy with stomach cancer, a height of about 1.8 meters, a talented person. He stayed in our ward for nearly two years, from postoperative adjuvant treatment to recurrence and metastasis, he sought medical treatment here, and he was admitted and discharged dozens of times.
At that time I was a young doctor, often on duty, and spent most of the time in the ward. People of the same age always have a good chat. When I was on duty, he came to the office to talk to our doctors and nurses when I was on duty, joking, and everyone gradually became familiar with it.
His family also knows that this is a disease with a very bad prognosis, but he looks like a very healthy person on the outside.
I remember he was very thin after his stomach cancer surgery, but every time he saw us, he always clenched his fists, bent his elbows, bulged his biceps and said, “Look at my arm.” , I can’t see it, I will squeeze his arm. This is a habit of us, because this part can see the patient’s fat reserves, muscle strength and other aspects, and can assess his overall condition. Every time I finished squeezing, he would proudly say: “I, a man.”
As the disease progressed, he had metastases, first in the abdominal cavity, then in the hilar lymph nodes, and also appeared jaundice, and he suffered from many chemotherapy drugs. Insensitive, the treatment has no effect-there were not as many treatments as there are now.
I felt more and more uncomfortable in my heart, and I was even afraid to see him, because I didn’t know what to say to give him hope, and I couldn’t give him hope. Every time I talk to his family, look at his parents, the kind of depressive cry of old people about to lose their children, it will have a particularly big impact on me. His child is still very young. Every time his wife comes, she cries as she speaks in front of me. I almost always cry with him. Later, I was afraid to communicate with them, but I had to communicate with them again.
In the few days when he was inevitably going to death, I no longer dared to go to his bed. But as his doctor in charge, who am I not going to go to? When I had to go, I bite the bullet and squeezed out a smile to face him, other times I could hide as long as I could. Even when I passed by his ward, I walked over quickly, but because I was so familiar, as long as my footsteps approached, even if he was half-lying, he would sit up and stare at the door. I didn’t dare to look straight, but I couldn’t help but look at him from the side of the light, and then I would see his eyes full of expectation.
This kind of gaze has been engraved in my heart for a long, long time. I couldn’t get out for a long time, and felt that I was incompetent. Such a sunny young man, his peers, I could not save him, only a deep sense of frustration.
He walked in the hospital. When he left, I was actually in the office of the ward, but I dared not come to him. During the shift, other doctors said that he was gone.
As doctors, we will not cry like others when we are sad, but the psychological impact will be very long. Up to now, in the past nearly 20 years, I still remember his tall man and the last look in his eyes. At that time, his jaundice was so serious that his eyes were yellow. The yellow despair and hope, I will never Will forget.
Since then, I have warned myself that I should never get too close to the patient. But this is the only way for every young doctor. He pierced in without knowing it, resonating, suffering, and regretting, and gradually learned to conceal it, and then his heart was so strong that he looked a little “cold.” In fact, we just put ourselves in a “shell”, not only to protect ourselves, but also to keep ourselves as objective and rational as possible and make the most correct medical decisions.
Family life is most needed last
life extremely complicated, the vicissitudes of life we oncologist encountered any writers are not edited out. When we meet patients, we will naturally compare them, especially when we meet two people with similar conditions, it is like conducting a comparative study of life.
When I was about 50 years old, I saw two female patients at the same time, both in their early 50s.
A is a company boss, shrewd and capable, with bowel cancer. At the beginning, the treatment effect was not bad. After less than 6 years, she had pelvic metastasis, and then various treatments were particularly tossing, but she was very strong. I remember her daughter was studying in England, about the same age as my daughter. In the course of several years of treatment, I watched this child go from relying on her mother like a kitten to becoming stronger day by day. In turn, her mother became more and more dependent on her, and the strength of life was reversed. The roles of the two people were reversed. Everything has changed. The child grows up day by day, and the mother becomes weak day by day. This is like a transfer of life energy, from the mother to the daughter.
Another patient, B, also has bowel cancer. The metastasis path is different from that of A, but the life span is much shorter than that of A. She has poor compliance. Although she has a husband and a son, her husband has no ideas and the son has thick lines. Therefore, you can’t see the kind of warm family affection by her side. All you see are unit leaders and friends coming and going. I think she is very lonely.
These two patients came to me for medical treatment at almost the same time. This contrast makes me very moved. A has a husband, children, and a sister to accompany her. These family members are helping her find ways to make decisions; while B is only herself, and the unit leaders and colleagues who come and go around are all unit leaders and colleagues. .
In fact, the conditions of A and B are similar, and in terms of the type of bowel cancer, B is actually better than A. But B does not have a family who really cares about her, and no one helps her make decisions. For example, when the last two of them had brain metastases, I said that surgery should be performed to remove the metastases. A’s family members were very supportive and underwent minimally invasive surgery; while B was reluctant to undergo surgery and had to undergo radiotherapy. At the end of the development, B was extremely painful, with a splitting headache, and his eyes were protruding from the pain, but I couldn’t help her, so I had to hide from her. I couldn’t bear seeing her in such pain. Later, she was transferred to another hospital a little closer to home, and I often went for consultations until she finally left.
Therefore, from the experiences of patients A and B, my biggest insight is, what is the most important thing in life? Actually, it’s family love. People need relatives. No matter how good the leaders, colleagues, and friends of the unit are, they can’t replace their family members to assume the responsibilities and obligations of helping the patient, and they can’t help the patient make decisions.
Time can’t heal all pains
In 2000, I was 38 years old and I was preparing to study in the United States. At that time, my father was in his early 70s and he was in good health. He brought me children in Beijing.
My father is a very thoughtful, open-minded and strong-willed person, but I don’t know why he was very sad when I left. He has never been like this before. He said: “If you go so far (place), I don’t know if you can (again) see.” I didn’t think much about it at the time, and joked with him: “Dad, what are you talking about? , I used to take a three-and-a-half-month boat trip to the United States, but now the plane comes back in one day. Besides, I’m back in a year, and I don’t like staying in the U.S. Even if I don’t come back, I will definitely take you with you. You go out and go around.”
I left in June 2000 and came back in July 2001 as planned, but because the project has not been completed yet, it needs to be postponed. During the process, my father fell ill. But no one knew beforehand. On May 1st, when I called home, my father’s ears were not very good, and my mother would answer the calls. My mother said that my father’s memory had dropped significantly. Now that I think about it, it was because he was sick. Mother said: “Your dad wants to say something to you.” Then he gave the phone to his father, who was holding the phone and choked to speak. I feel very uncomfortable, but as far away as the United States, I can only comfort him on the phone and say: “Don’t be sad, I will go back soon, and you will see me soon.”
Father is not a delicate person, nor is he usually sentimental. The reason why he is like this, now thinking about it, I think he must have a hunch at the time, but it is not easy to tell his family, including his emotional abnormality before I went to the United States.
During the “May Day” call, my father couldn’t say a word. I was very sad, but pretended to be relaxed and joked with him. Later, my mother comforted me and said, “It’s okay, your father is fine, and he may be a little sentimental lately.” However, within a few days, my father had a brain hemorrhage and had an emergency operation. After the operation, my brother called me. . He said that there was 120 ml of blood, and I was blinded as soon as I heard it. 120 ml of cerebral hemorrhage can rarely be rescued. But he told me right away that the vital signs are now stable and should be relieved. I said that I should hurry up and come back as soon as possible after handling the affairs of the United States.
My father fell ill on May 6 and spent 56 days in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit). He was unaware when I was in the ICU. Every time I called back, I couldn’t communicate with my father. My mother kept crying on the phone. My brother kept saying “Dad is fine” to make me feel at ease.
Finally, I returned to China on June 29th. I returned to Beijing with no money. I borrowed 20,000 yuan from the director and went straight to the train station to go back to Xuzhou. It took 14 hours on the road to get home after 7 o’clock the next morning.
However, just when I was about to get home, my husband told me that my father had left, more than 2 o’clock in the morning. It was only 5 hours away, and he didn’t wait for me after all.
I cried for two days and two nights, and couldn’t accept this fact at all. Not only did the death of my father make me sad, but also deep self-blame, guilt, and regret, all kinds of emotions flooded in.
My family has been comforting me, saying that the death of my father has nothing to do with whether I am around or not. I am not a professional doctor. Everyone has tried their best and found the best medical resources in the local area. result.
When you are best at what you do, your strongest skills, but you can’t serve your family, can’t contribute to your family, and can’t do a little bit of responsibility for your dearest people, this kind of pain will run through your life and cannot be resolved. .
I think this is the shortcoming of life. I can’t do it again. Once I miss it, I will miss it forever. I often comfort myself: this is life, and everything goes well. These things that I can’t do are the shackles that fate gave me, and I must bear it, to make my life flawed.
The few years after my father passed away were also the hardest days in my life. My mother was suffering from depression, and I took her to Beijing to take her with me; the child followed me back from the United States, and the entry to junior high school was not going well; my own job was also not going well.
But this is also when I really grew up, growing up as the pillar of my family. In the past, my father was the pillar of the family, and my children threw it to him. He said that you don’t have to worry about anything in the family. He is an indomitable father. As soon as he left, all the heavy burdens fell on me. After I walked out of the difficulties of those years, I suddenly became open-minded.
After I was born, I really matured. At that time, I was almost 40 years old, and I returned to my previous self-confidence that I decided to do everything by myself.
This is the strength my father gave me. The wealth that my father gave me is unmatched by anyone. He used to leave to tell me that life is impossible to do whatever I want, he let me experience a mark in my life that will never be forgotten, and then I can grow up and mature.
Each of us has to go through the departure of our loved ones. From the day we were born, we are living towards death, but we never think of when our relatives will leave. Some people can’t see if they don’t see it. What you see is when you leave, he The appearance at the door of the house; when you get in the car, he waved his hands and followed your car, or he didn’t even wave his hands, followed you silently and looked at you.
You may not think that this is farewell, because of such a scene, you never regard it as a parting. Especially people like me who left home to go to school at the age of 16 are outside every day, always thinking that I have to go back, always thinking that I can still see me, as long as I go back, my father will be there waiting for me.
Faced with the departure of a loved one, the doctor will have one more regret than ordinary people, that is, he feels that he is capable of saving him but he has not tried his best. This is particularly painful.