The failure of my marriage once made me suffer from severe depression.
I was afraid of crowds, of being pointed out, of seeing daylight. Every day I pack up and want to go out, but when I open the door, I hesitate, and in the end I always stay at home and worry about myself. When I have to go to work or have to go out, I stare at my toes and walk. Any sound I hear in my ears is the “whispering” of others, which seems to be mocking me. Occasionally, an inadvertent look, like a sharp sword, pierces my heart, making me unable to breathe, and even feel ashamed, thinking how I can live such a miserable life. I closed my words, deeds and emotions, like a walking dead, I don’t trust anyone, including my mother, like a lonely soul, living in my own world and unable to extricate myself, I just want to end this painful life as soon as possible. Numerous times, my mother dragged me back from the banks of the Nanpanjiang River and the railway tracks with my two-year-old son on my back. That is not the grief of “there is nothing greater than death in the heart”, but a kind of helplessness and silent despair ridiculed and cast aside by the whole world! “Even if you don’t think about yourself, you have to think about your two-year-old son!” Ignoring the sadness in the mother’s eyes and the child’s grasping hands, I was still stuck in that deep spurning and couldn’t extricate myself, and my soul was floating , in a trance, and even started talking to himself.
One day, the leader of the unit arranged for a newly graduated female intern Xianglin to assist me in the work, and announced that starting from now on, there will be two days of labor union activities every week.
During these two days, employees are free to play poker, mahjong, and do whatever they want. Every two days, there will always be a table with three missing one, and then my colleagues will force me to fill that vacancy. At that time, we only played one yuan of small mahjong, saying that it was to make up for dinner at night. In order not to spoil everyone’s happiness, I reluctantly gave up my life to accompany the gentlemen, sharing sorrows and joys, winning and losing together with them. Colleagues didn’t enjoy playing during the day, and joked: “Among the four of us at this table, those who win during the day should not even think about withdrawing, and let those who lose have a chance to continue to make money in the evening!” That is to say, we must continue to fight after work. Like my colleagues teased me and said: “Zhao Moumou, you, you are frustrated in love and proud in the casino! Look at your luck, you can’t accept it!” I can’t get rid of this feeling, anyway, I have nothing to do, so I also start at night It’s time to play. The new female intern Xianglin said that she could not rent a house, could she come to live with me for a while. Why did you come to my house! But before I could reply, my mother agreed and vacated a room on her own initiative. The weekend is here, and the usual busy old classmates are taking turns asking me to have a picnic by the reservoir, go swimming in Sanbao Hot Spring, go for an outing in the forest park, and the most frequent one is the Nine-Arch Bridge in Zhanyi Muddy Pond. Jiukong Bridge is located in Hunshuitang Village under Jiulong Mountain in Zhanyi. The stone bridge spans the Nanpan River and connects the east and west banks. The Nine-Arch Bridge is exquisite and simple, with circular arches lying together like a rainbow, the river is clear and winding, and the vegetation on both sides is verdant. It is a good place for people to relax, enjoy the bridge, play in the water, and play. Walking among the green mountains and green waters, my mood slowly recovered, and my temperament suddenly became brighter. At the beginning, I was unwilling to do activities, and just wanted to stay quietly. The feeling of “happiness is theirs, and I have nothing” came to my heart from time to time. A child from a friend’s house shot at me with a water spray gun: “Aunt Zhao, come down quickly, the water is so cool! Also, look, these strange-shaped pebbles, small purple shells…” The two children pulled me hard. Go to the water and play. As soon as you step into the water, the sand overflows from the gap between your toes, and the clear water flows slowly past your calf. From time to time, a group of small fish swim around in the corner. When you put your hands together, the small fish ” “咻” and walked away from the palm of my hand, so pleasant! Seeing the children picking up stones and shells with a small bucket in one hand, and pulling up their trousers with the other hand, even though they were all soaked, they were still so happy and happy. I can’t help but think of the son who has been carried by the mother. The child is so innocent, he should have more happiness and laughter, and this happiness and laughter must be created and given by myself.
Time passed silently, and two months passed in a flash, and my son was sent to a private kindergarten. It also happened to be drought that year, and my mother brought a large basket of yams from her hometown, saying that my father planted them at home. Because of the drought for several months, the side dishes have also withered, and the side dishes in the farmers’ market are more expensive than meat. My mother said, don’t buy vegetables, just eat yams! No matter how difficult the day is, it will pass after a while, and there is no hurdle in this world that cannot be overcome. The female intern Xianglin majored in Chinese language and literature. She loves reading and writing. From time to time, she taught me some literature and writing knowledge, and sometimes shared her articles with me, and asked me to give some pertinent opinions. When I couldn’t get enough of it, I would say a few words, and she would always say that my opinions were unique, clear, and broad-minded, and encouraged me to pick up the book and live in a new way. Under her persuasion, I started to read a lot of books, and reading made me understand a lot of truths. Gradually, I also got out of the hardship and darkness after the divorce. Seeing me regain my self-confidence, she beamed with joy. Finally, she was going back to school to get ready for her graduation. Before she left, she took me for a walk along the Nanpan River in Hebin Park and said, “Sister, you are very lucky. You have the greatest mother in the world!” What?” “Did you know? Two months ago, when you were in an emotional slump, your mother found Director He, the leader of the unit, told him your situation, and asked colleagues in the unit to help you. Director He is a very enlightened leader. He called some employees in time to discuss how to solve this problem. Everyone brainstormed, so there are two days of trade union activities a week. Even the three colleagues in your yard are leaders. Deliberately arranged tasks for them, so that they would invite you to play poker and mahjong whenever they have time every day, so as to divert your attention!” “That’s it…then you come to live at my house—— “It’s also Director He’s kind arrangement! However, the most important thing is that I really can’t find a house! Sister, thank you and aunt for taking me in!” Hehe… A mother and a good leader make you finally come back! “I suddenly realized that those old classmates who hadn’t shown up for a long time didn’t know how my mother found them? What did I do? When I came back that night, I saw my mother mopping the floor with the collected vegetable washing water , I quickly took the mop in her hand: “Mom, you have worked hard, take a rest! Let me come—” Seeing that I had returned to my previous appearance, my mother took my hand in relief: “My little girl, you are finally alive again! “My mother shed tears of joy. Yes, I have the greatest mother in the world! For months, my mother suffered no less than I did. I sat at the table alone for a long time that night. Time, that is, that night, the timely rain suddenly fell in the sky that had been dry for more than half a year. Listening to the sound of the pattering rain and smelling the dampness in the air, I took a deep breath and cleared my heart All the sadness and haze in the depths are full of love and emotion. I sat by the window and rearranged everything, and greeted the new day with a new mental outlook.
Ten years have passed, the mother has been sleeping in the ground, and the son has grown up healthily. Looking at the independent, confident and strong self reflected in the shadow of the window glass, it is hard to imagine what I would be like now if I could not get out of the haze.
The sound of the rain under the night is silent, calm and deep. Listening to the sound of the rain, I seemed to hear my mother’s exhortation: a person’s life will always face many ups and downs. Don’t be afraid, people will really grow up after they have experienced a lot.
The failure of my marriage once made me suffer from severe depression.