“Classic lines” of those domestic violence

　　Q: My husband has frequent domestic violence, and often says: “My dad beats my mother like this. What happened to my slapping you?” “I didn’t want to hit you at all. You forced me to do it.” When I want to leave, he will also say: “Wife, you can’t leave me, I only have you.” What should I do?
　　A: Seeing your description and lamenting for you, I can’t help feeling emotion. What the domestic tyrant said is too typical. I wonder if he came out of the script.
　　The first sentence, “This is how my father beat my mother,” reveals the origins of domestic violence, which psychologists have long discovered. Many people’s domestic violence behavior patterns are derived from the influence of native families. There are several psychological mechanisms involved:
　　one is imitation. This is easier to understand. When I saw my father beating someone, I also imitated it.
　　The second is approval. This is more complicated. In a family, if the father strongly dominates and has domestic violence, and the mother is dependent on the other for various reasons, and is completely unable to resist or even obey, such as the abuser and the abuser just match, then they are Harmonious, although it may be morbidly harmonious to outsiders. But the children who have lived in it since childhood have no idea that there are other better ways of getting along. He either recognizes his father out of worship of the strong, or because he is also a victim of beatings, he will identify with his father for the survival instinct and fear of survival. At the same time, both can be both.
　　The third is internalization. The result of imitation and identification must be the image of the internalized domestic violence person, making him an abuser from the inside out.
　　The second sentence “I didn’t want to hit you at all, you forced me to do it”. It shirks the responsibility of hitting others and attribute it to others. It is his mistakes that have forced him to do it. Making excuses for his atrocities is to deny or admit that he is wrong and defends against morals. Many times, for domestic violence, such a defense is so strong that even he himself is convinced, that is to say, he really believes that he was forced to do something.
　　The third sentence “Wife you can’t leave me, I only have you”, contains complex content.
　　1. There are real and realistic pleading parts. Due to the deep-rooted abuse pattern of domestic abusers, he is actually very difficult to establish true equality and friendly relationships with people. The best case is to barely wear a social mask, for example, some appearances are handsome white-collar workers or professors. , But most of his heart is lonely, angry, and hostile. So he said that “only you” is indeed the truth, maybe it will make you feel compassionate and reluctant.
　　2. Control. Almost all domestic violence people will control the victims in various forms: physical control, such as not allowing them to go out of the house, and no contact with outsiders; psychological, spiritual control, such as derogation and cursing each other. Including his aforementioned pleading also has control meaning. Although he may be true only for you, he still serves the control goal of “you can’t leave me”.
　　3. Dependence. Domestic abusers usually think of themselves as strong and do not realize their dependence, but the fact is that the abuser must rely on the victim to some extent to exist. Of course, this dependent object is not the only one. If the consciousness leaves, the abuser will immediately look for the next victim. That is to say, the person he really depends on is not necessarily you, but the identity of your beating. In addition, domestic abusers, like your husband, are likely to be beaten as a child. They have a victim in their heart and there is also a need for dependence.
　　The above deeply analyzes the causes, characteristics and internal psychology of domestic violence, I hope you can draw a similar conclusion after reading: 1. A person with a clear domestic violence behavior pattern, if he still grows up in a family with a history of domestic violence Native families, then you have to add points in assessing their severity and stubbornness. 2. Because they attribute domestic violence to others, in their belief system, the fault lies with others, such as your husband, so they basically have no ability to reflect, be aware, and naturally have no desire to change and grow, so don’t be right There is too much hope for their change. 3. You have to think about it carefully. If he does not change or the probability of change is low, does his plea mean anything to you? Or if it is a small probability, are you still willing to work harder for it? 4. Either way, you must know that you need to be prepared to leave in a comprehensive manner, both psychologically and materially.