One day in September 2018, the weather was a little sultry, and the smell of disinfectant water filled the ward of the Department of General Surgery of the Affiliated Hospital of Chengdu University. When I was lying in a narrow hospital bed with my eyes closed and lost in thought, the doctor gave me a “love letter”: “**Hua, female, 51 years old, duodenal papillary cancer…”
Although I have been given the grace of fate many times, passing by death again and again and avoiding disaster, this time I really know that I will face death again. My tube-filled body curled up in a one-meter-wide bed, and the sickness harassed me and made fun of me, severe pain, bloating, nausea, vomiting, obstructed excretion, fever, wound infection, and peritoneal effusion. …I am helpless. Three days after the operation, I was pushed into the ICU (Intensive Care Unit).
I don’t know how many people prayed for me outside the door of the ICU, and how many people stayed up all night and struggled.
Cang Tian was merciless. After two days, the plane turned around and I returned to the general ward. My family would rather tolerate the “secret” of my own sufferings and tell me lightly: “Small surgery, it will be better in a few days.” But my family didn’t know that I heard the nurse say to the escort when I was in pain. She is suffering from cancer and she can be injected with dulending.” The family even knew that the first sentence I heard when I entered the ICU was “still young.” Yes, I am still young and I still have many dreams. I want to see my little granddaughter grow up, I want to travel around to see the great mountains and rivers of the motherland, I want to read poems and songs to feel the beauty of life, I want to cook for myself to cook delicious food for my family, I think… …But now my life has to press the pause button.
I cooperated with my family to continue “acting”. There was no sorrow or cry in the ward. I was lying on the hospital bed all day staring at the infusion bottle listlessly, and the little drop of liquid seemed to tell me how many days were left to me.
People always talk about cancer discoloration. It seems that suffering from cancer means despair and pain. It seems that cancer is the twin brother of death. My family and friends always think of various ways to comfort me and accompany me… and I am discharged. Two months later, he decided to live alone. I need someone to think about some issues quietly.
After living alone, my body is still very weak, and pain also occasionally strikes, but these are not major problems. My biggest problem is how to face my heart and think about how to spend the rest of my life.
In my free time, I chose to take a walk in Shishu Park near my home. It was the late autumn season. It was getting cold and the park was quiet. My heart started talking to every tree, every flower, every grass. I have witnessed their vitality in the wind and rain, and I have seen the power and hope of life from them; I have also seen the fallen leaves flying in the forest, and seeing the flowers wither and fall into the soil. I know that death is a natural belonging.
When I’m feeling better, I will go to the bookstore to take a stroll and take home the time-lapse of Shi Tiesheng’s “Broken Pen” and “We Are All Dust in the Universe” by Li Yinhe. Gradually, the question that entangled me in my youth seemed to have an answer: the meaning of being alive is nothing but living alive!
I slow down my rhythm and meticulously feel every bit of the beauty of life: a ray of sunshine, a song of birds, and a blossom of a tree will bring me warmth and touch. And finally it was the apricot leaves that fell in the autumn to untie my heart and ignite my passion for life.
I clearly remember that it was December 5, 2018, which was about 3 months after my operation. When I dragged a heavy step to buy vegetables and came back to the unit door, I was instantly stunned by the sight in front of me. Two tall ginkgo trees stood upright in the wind and rain, and the falling golden apricot leaves danced in the breeze, crashing into the ground unscathed, like a beautiful dancer, like a flame swaying in the wind . The light rain was blowing, the breeze was blowing, and the ground was golden. I stayed under the tree and looked at the sky. I couldn’t help but whispered: “It’s beautiful!” And what touched my heart was the gesture of the ginkgo leaves falling, just before they fell into the earth. The moment is so elegant, calm and calm. My hut was opened, and I was empowered. I was recording a video of the scene in front of me, telling myself that for the rest of my life, I must live as elegant and calm as the ginkgo leaves, and embrace the future with the most beautiful gesture.
Li Yinhe said: “It’s too generous to compare life to the reincarnation of spring, summer, autumn and winter. It’s more like an ephemera that lives and dies, like the sun and it disappears without a trace of Zhaolu…” I’m not Does a cosmic dust exist for a moment in a specific space at a specific time? In this case, what is the meaning of my doctor’s medical certificate? ! Isn’t that the love letter that Death gave me by the doctor? It says gentle words: Dear, life is short, every day of the rest of life is full of good, cherish and love yourself! Don’t live up to this life once, and don’t live up to everyone who loves you.