Are you still looking for a soul mate?

When it comes to soul mates, who do you think of? Is it Jack and Rose in “Titanic” or Jesse and Selena in “Love Before Dawn”? Good love seems to be met and unquestionable. Therefore, finding a soul mate has become a permanent pursuit of love and marriage.

But real life is often the opposite. The soul mate that we once thought was destined often loses to reality. Sociologists Wilcox and Dew conducted an in-depth survey of soulmates’ affectionate marriages of nearly 1,500 couples in Louisiana, USA. The results showed that although marriages that they think “found the love of this life” have a higher Satisfaction and happiness, but the divorce rate is also higher.

This result is not surprising, because if the partner is more based on the feeling of love, ignoring the relationship and emotional maintenance in the future, then any relationship will not stand the polishing of time. Therefore, compared to “meeting” a soul mate, a better and safer way is to “discover” or “bring up” a soul mate of your own.

Ling felt that in most of her life, there was Xiaolin’s shadow. The two are neighbors, classmates for many years, and even go to university in the same city. From start to finish, the straight-line distance between the two people is no more than 5 kilometers.

Since childhood, Xiao Lin has liked A Ling, and both families know that. When the children were older, the parents were naturally willing to match them up, so the two married naturally. However, A Ling always feels that something is missing. Shouldn’t love be the search for soulmates? This feeling that was obtained without searching, because the distance is too close, I always feel that it lacks beauty.

Days were dull, and in order to find sustenance, Ling began to develop her hobby. After dinner every day, I sit at my desk and write novels. Writing is very slow at the beginning, and when it doesn’t go well, I get very upset. Family members persuaded her: “That thing is optional, don’t suffer if you write it badly!” Only Xiaolin supported her: “I remember when you were a kid, you could drink soda for inspiration if you couldn’t write a composition, or I would give it to You buy two bottles?” A Ling couldn’t help but laughed. She suddenly felt that someone knew herself pretty well.

Not only did he understand, Xiaolin also supported Ah Ling with all his heart. Ling likes to jot down her inspiration with small notes, but she always throws them around. Xiaolin specially found a bag to collect all the notes, and also carefully marked the date. A Ling posted the novel on the forum, and Xiao Lin went to the forum every day to reply, and occasionally quarreled with black fans in a vest. Xiaolin is the kind of person who never posts to Moments, but every time A Ling posts a novel, he has to turn it around and calls on friends to forward it.

Xiaolin is not a literary and artistic youth, but when A Ling’s writing is not smooth, she is especially eager to talk to Xiaolin, even if he listens to him. Most importantly, Xiaolin always has enthusiasm, which makes Aling feel that it is really nice to have a heartless fan.

After writing for a few years, Aling wanted to be a full-time screenwriter, but she hesitated to give up a stable job to pursue her hobby. However, Xiao Lin was very supportive of her: “It’s good to be a screenwriter, maybe which script will be popular.” Facing Xiao Lin’s slightly blind affirmation, A Ling felt that this “silly” husband is really cute!

When I was a child, A Ling felt that the soul mate she was looking for must be loved at first sight. How could she be worthy of youth if she did not experience shocking heartbeats? Later, A Ling felt that there was a mirror next to her, she kept looking at her own emotions and sorrows, updating her experience of life and the world at any time, and verifying all her changes and growth. This was another kind of intimate feeling. Feels warmer.

Expert analysis:

In case studies of psychology, there is a method called “witnessing.” The researcher or therapist observes the actions of another person from the side, and then gives appropriate feedback and treatment. In the growth trajectory of Xiaolin and A Ling, we see the power of “witness”. In a person’s memory, there are always some things that exist in isolation, including the thoughts and feelings when experiencing those things, which are intermittent. However, when another person can help memorize these things and share these memories with the person at a certain moment, in the interaction between the two people, the past events are revisited and processed to become a common memory.

When A Ling was discouraged and self-doubt about writing, Xiao Lin remembered her way of decompression when she was a child, and also remembered her “brilliant record”, and finally helped A Ling regain her confidence. This kind of moment can always make people feel healed and accumulate strength from the past self. A partner is an important person who witnesses those moments.

Everyone hopes that their significant other can support themselves. However, support is based on understanding. If two people can get to know each other, get in touch with each other, accumulate a lot of common memories, and constantly modify their own feelings, they can gradually narrow the distance between their souls.

Nana is young and beautiful, while Dayu has a history of marriage, has children, and looks mediocre. Should this “congenital deficiency” love continue? Nana hesitated.

Dayu also has some worries, but he loves Nana and the injuries he suffered in his first marriage made him cherish this relationship even more. Nana admitted: “I do like him very much, but thinking of facing everything in the future, I feel very difficult, I have no confidence!” Nana’s love for Dayu is to give him the best encouragement and encourage him to be more determined. . Dayu tried his best to make Nana feel at ease, so that every minute and every second they got together was full of happiness.

Dayu remembered that the two went to Mount Tai to watch the sunrise. Nana bought a few hot tea eggs. He didn’t like to eat hot things, so he didn’t eat them in his hands. Nana saw it, so she took it, and carefully peeled the egg to him through the plastic bag. At that moment, Dayu had a feeling of enthusiasm, shaking and eating the most memorable tea eggs in his life. He suddenly felt that hot things taste better!

Nana hated driving at night, but, in order to squeeze time to travel, after get off work on Friday, two people drove for ten hours, just to see the snowy scenery of the Northeast. At the beginning, the two discussed taking turns to rest, but they chatted all the way, and no one slept for a minute. Tired, go to the service area to eat a bowl of instant noodles, immediately resurrected with blood. On Monday, both of them went to work with dark circles under their eyes, but they felt very happy, no matter how tired they were.

There are many such details, and over time, both of them slowly let go of their initial worries. They feel that a part of each other’s lives are fused together. If they hadn’t met each other, they wouldn’t have such an experience. Finally, a pair of lovers finally got married. ‘

Expert analysis:

Psychologically speaking, this is an interactive fusion. This fusion is creative, and the longer you get along, the more inspiration you create. Many people often carry a list of their ideal partners at the beginning of their relationship, and check whether each other is satisfied one by one. However, a happy relationship is often produced in the running-in of two people. Those carefully matched partners cannot withstand the blows and can be easily surpassed by “soul mates” because they achieve better integration when getting along.

Fusion, let them become one, more powerfully resist the erosion of external forces. I have to admit that life is far less interesting than imagined. The long-awaited party may end up unhappy, and a walk-and-go tour may not be chic but difficult. However, people’s feelings are relative, and getting along with annoying people all day will make people feel unhappy and live like years. If you change to someone you like, it will add a bit of color to the boring things, and no matter how much time you spend, you will be satisfied. Many feelings will not be placed in obvious places for people to “watch”, on the contrary, we need to slowly discover them. Therefore, if you can discover your unknown self and create new pleasures during a period of communication, you can not only alleviate the loneliness of the soul, but also make the ordinary daily relationship sublimated into a good emotional experience.

Jia Ping lives in a fixed pattern, meets Xiaowan, and gains unprecedented passion. However, when he tried to pull Xiaowan toward his own life style, the two people’s feelings became tense. In the end, Jia Ping gave up his obsession and gave his partner freedom, and the two people recovered their original understanding.

The so-called soul mate is not about thinking, thinking, and doing all the same, but learning to leave room for each other in different ways of life, so that they can draw strength from each other’s differences. After all, a comfortable relationship starts with being able to be yourself comfortably.

The reason why people expect soul mates is the dual needs of mind and body. Lisa Bockman, a scholar at the University of California, Berkeley, found in an investigation that close friendship or marriage can increase life by 10 years. At the same time, in a long life, whether people feel subjective happiness and happiness is also an important factor in judging the quality of life. Because of this, intimate marriage relationships and soul mates are more important.

Let us recall, in our minds, what are the templates of those immortal couples? Most of what we can remember is the love between the celebrities in the highly exposed show of affection or the processed couples in the TV series. This virtually raises people’s expectations for love and partners, and they always feel that the person next to them is “not good enough” and feels lost.

From a probability point of view, this is a kind of “accessibility bias.” We have been preconceivedly in contact with romantic film and television works since we were teenagers, paranoidly thinking that “everyone in the world has found a soul mate except me”. This will not only deepen our loneliness, but also make us more The high standards of mate selection refused to waver. Deviations lead to false expectations. The higher the expectations, the harder the emotional path.

If you think that feelings are sweet, then even a little bit of dispute will break your illusions and give you a kind of helplessness that “love shouldn’t be like this”. However, whether you want to believe it or not, almost all partners have to deal with differences and contradictions in marriage just like dealing with chronic diseases such as high blood pressure and dust allergy. After all, marriage and love are different, it is a thing that requires sustained effort.

In addition, people’s expectations of soul mates are very easy to be routine. But in fact, there is no fixed pattern for soul mates. The ideal wife is not necessarily gentle and reserved, and the ideal husband is not necessarily tall, wealthy and handsome. Economics, looks, age, status… all the rules are external things. On the contrary, we can only make this marriage closer to the ideal value in our hearts only if we lay down our hearts and get along with our partners patiently and running in.

In “Happy Marriage”, John Gottman shows us the truth between marriage and expectation: those couples who endure high levels of negative interactions (such as anger or emotional alienation) in marriage for a long time will I feel that marriage is not so happy. However, those couples who refuse to tolerate negative interactions, those who constantly try to solve their conflicts and try to be gentle with their partners when conflicts erupt, they will feel that their marriage is happy after many years.

This research result tells us two important facts: Marriage is a complex interpersonal interaction. In an intimate relationship, not only should we consider short-term expectations and satisfaction, but also long-term happiness; more importantly, we should not wait for an ideal partner. It is better to take the initiative and manage the happiness you can get when you appear. In other words, what plays a key role in the satisfaction of marriage is to face the contradictions of marriage head-on, and find ways to solve them.