I have been crazy about eating walnuts for a long time. During that boring time, I often took a small stool and sat on a balcony that could be exposed to the sun, and smashed fresh walnuts with a small hammer. Smashing and eating, playing some music, the rhythm of the hammer and the beat of the music, I feel very happy.
I was taken care of by a nanny when I was young. The big-eyed Aunt Xiaoying was very kind to me. She sat side by side on the small bench with me, smashing walnuts for me and telling me myths. I think she is really good, and she will smash walnuts for her in the future, but unfortunately, before I realize this wish, she married. The family lived on a remote hillside, but she said it was fine. She said that the family has several walnut trees.
For the next ten years, Aunt Xiaoying will come to our house once a year to bring me fresh walnuts. She has her own child and is a very naughty boy. I am very disappointed. I had hoped to be a girl, sitting quietly on a small bench and listening to her story, opening my mouth to eat walnuts. I think how happy such a little girl is.
Walnut originally only meant simple happiness in my dictionary, but later, it became more complicated.
In high school, a boy surnamed Hu was called Walnut by me. In my heart, walnuts are as lovely as my beloved walnuts. I asked him, have you ever seen a walnut fruit that has just matured? You are just like it.
He said, what is it like? I said it was turquoise and soft, a bit weak, a bit bitter, and then gradually hardened in the surrounding air and wind.
The boy Walnut is a good-looking, arrogant and self-willed child who sits in the last row and doesn’t talk or listen to class. My seat is far away from him, it seems we never knew each other. In fact, we call every day and speak a lot.
He had a thin girlfriend at the time, and I had a tall boyfriend. He was tired of his girlfriend’s little temper and tears, and I was tired of her boyfriend’s chattering and weakness. The boy and I grumbled loudly on the phone and laughed at each other. He asked me why I didn’t leave him. I asked, what about you?
I think I have been encouraging him. Finally the boy Walnut began to avoid his girlfriend, and he finally separated from her. That is the story of winter, everything progresses slowly like the cold season. My tall boyfriend and I were living in a slow struggle. I think days are so slow that I am going to sleep.
Suddenly I was going to Shanghai to participate in the semi-finals of the composition competition, and finally had the opportunity to leave. I said goodbye to my boyfriend, but I didn’t tell him when I came back. I think that kind of goodbye is complete, just as if I won’t come back again.
I got off the plane. At the airport, Chinese New Year is coming. I really want to see the boy Walnut. I went to his house as a guest. His home is what I like, and his room was painted blue which I like. We sat on the wooden floor and watched crappy videos. The music was very noisy. But I feel that the dust that surrounds me in winter is gradually dissipating, and I can see clearly. I think the days are finally beginning to flow. That’s it, sit down with an ambiguous person in a warm room.
We are all free now. But freedom is precious, so we cannot approach each other, we can only sit in such an ambiguous manner. He sat over and warmed my hands. I think we are all embarrassed because we are lonely, but we are exhausted and unable to love each other.
I said, why are you painting this wall, it’s too cold.
He hugged me.
We graduated. Far away, I went to a park, and I saw a green walnut tree. I saw their initial posture, soft and unharmed. I think if I met the boy Walnut in the first place, he should be a boy with no scars or scabs. How good.
I sent him a cyan walnut, suddenly sad. I never want to eat walnuts anymore, the boy ruined my love for walnuts. What I am sad is that I feel sorry for my big-eyed aunt Xiaoying. She created a walnut image related to happiness, but I ruined it. Walnut is no longer a symbol of happiness that I longed for when I was a child. When did it become a hard scab?