”Tao” is the fundamental, origin and mechanism of the development of things. Marriage may seem simple, but it has its own characteristics and laws. Enlightenment is the prerequisite for couples to have a happy marriage. In 2022, this magazine invited the famous psychologist Guan Meilin to explain the way of marriage management for you.
”Marriage is a besieged city, people outside the city want to go in, people in the city want to come out.” This sentence allows us to see people’s ambivalence about marriage, but also illustrates two problems: 1. Marriage must have its own The value and charm of people, otherwise people will not desperately want to rush in; Second, there must be some problems in marriage, otherwise some married people will not want to do everything they can to escape the siege. Of course, there are still some people who have been trapped in the siege and live in pain or numbness.
So, is there anyone who is reluctant and happy after entering the siege?
As a senior psychologist, I admit that I did not find statistics on happy marriages. However, one of my students answered this question with her own experience.
She said that through studying marriage courses, she gained psychological growth and maturity. She applied the knowledge she learned in the course to getting along with her husband, and she actually felt an unprecedented deep intimacy, feeling warm and loved. Now, she and her husband have built a particularly happy marriage together.
As long as we are willing to grow, learn and practice, we can build a happy marriage. In order to help more couples on the road to happiness, Ms. Mei Lin’s column this year is to learn the ways of marriage with everyone, improve the ability to be happy, and build a happy family.
Let’s first take a look at why everyone wants to rush into the siege, that is, what is the value of marriage. Let’s leave the rest alone, just take the emotional function of marriage as an example. Two people in love experience the happiness of being cared for, cared for, cared for, and understood by each other in a passionate relationship.
This loyal relationship focused on each other gives them a great sense of security. The interaction of being loved and treated positively improves their self-esteem, and even compensates for the respect and love they did not get in their native family. Therefore, they especially hope to maintain this positive experience, so marriage becomes the inevitable place of positive emotion and intimacy.
As a result, many people compare marriage to a “happiness hall”, but they don’t realize that this beautiful vision and overly idealistic expectation of marriage not only opens the prelude to a happy marriage, but also may become an obstacle to the construction of a happy marriage in the future.
The reason is that we do not really understand the nature of marriage, we have not given a reasonable and realistic expectation of marriage, and we have not prepared psychologically and abilities for the challenges and difficulties that marriage may bring.
A person who rushes into the siege of marriage and thinks that it will be sweet for a lifetime, once they find that marriage is not what they imagined, and when they find that there are still pains and conflicts in the marriage, they begin to question their choices, feel that they have been deceived, and are busy protecting themselves and protecting themselves. Blame the partner. At this time, the marriage becomes overwhelmed and precarious.
Therefore, building a good marriage first requires us to have a clear understanding of marriage. I think marriage is a good life with flaws.
We are sure that it is beautiful, but it is beautiful with flaws, which means that it is not perfect. For example, we usually enjoy the joy of free choice and rich experience, trying a variety of cuisines, and visiting various places. This feeling is very comfortable. But once we enter marriage, we have the responsibility and obligation to be loyal to each other, and we have to surrender the freedom to interact with other people of the opposite sex. Even if we encounter the opposite sex we prefer, we must restrain our emotions, control our behavior, and assume ourselves Responsibility of choice.
Therefore, a good marriage requires people to sacrifice the rich experience and happy feelings of interacting with multiple opposite sexes, and they need to work hard to find happiness in a dedicated relationship, which is not easy for our brains. Because the brain is more prone to adapt to familiar things, and more prone to pleasure in novel things, this is the price to be paid for a happy marriage.
Recognizing that there is a good side to marriage, as well as the loss that needs to be addressed, we can enter marriage with a more mature attitude and at the same time be able to more rationally solve the various problems faced by marriage. Therefore, a happy marriage starts with “losing”, and only by learning to “give up” can you “get it.”
