What is the essence of liking someone?

What is the fundamental reason for a person to fall in love with another person? Is it because of the other person’s appearance? The character of the other person? The status of the other person? The reputation of the other person? The other person’s wealth? None of them! Then why is it?

1, first tell a famous story: World War II, the Jews were persecuted by the German Nazis. There were two Jewish brothers discussing who to seek help from, and their views diverged. The younger brother advocated asking for help from a banker whom his father had financed and who had repeatedly said he would repay the favor when he had the chance. The brother argued that he should ask for help from another lumberman who had financed their family’s start. Neither could convince the other, so they went their separate ways and never heard from each other again. Years later, the brother, who had fled to Japan with the help of the timber merchant, returned to Japan to look for his brother and found that his family had died in Auschwitz. Later, the brother found the phone records of his brother’s hiding place from the Nazi archives, and the caller – the banker – was the same. The brother looked up to the sky and sighed: the people who have helped you are more reliable than the people you have helped.

2. There is a very classic case in modern marketing. In the last century, there was a sales champion of a vacuum cleaner company in the United States. The day before he retired, he said to the other employees: “You idiots, when selling business, you only knock on the door and ask: “Hello, ma’am! Can you give me three minutes to introduce one of our products?” Every time before the words are finished, the door is closed with a “pop”. You say this is not naked harassment? The customer did not call the police is already polite.” So the employees asked curiously, “How do you sell to customers?” The retired employee replied, “I say, “Hello, ma’am! I’m a passing salesman and I’m thirsty. Can you give me a glass of water to drink?” So I walked into the customer’s home and first observed the environment. Then, in the time it takes for the customer to prepare water for me, I gently chatter about the family and then make a few side remarks about the “vacuum cleaner” I’m selling. The customer is not pressured and will naturally pick up the conversation. In this way, the success rate of product sales can be increased by 60 to 70 percent. The rest of the staff listened like they were dreaming and applauded the veteran employee. In fact, this case, there is a psychological term, called: “Franklin effect.

This effect is based on the development of the 18th century, one of the founding fathers of the United States of America, Benjamin Franklin said a sentence. Franklin once said: Those who have helped you before will be more willing to help you again than those who have been helped by you. Why would he say that? Because he once did something that influenced the world of psychology. This story was first recorded in Carnegie’s book “Human Weakness”, and later in 1993, Elliott Aronson, a famous American psychologist, wrote this story into his “Social Psychology”.

The story goes roughly like this: One day in 1736, Franklin made a speech in the Pennsylvania House of Representatives. Another member of the House was totally opposed to his views and made a speech in which he also criticized Franklin very strongly. Franklin was a bit taken by surprise, but wanted to win the congressman’s approval. What to do? He overheard that the congressman happened to have a very rare set of books in his house. So he respectfully wrote a letter and shamelessly asked the congressman to borrow the book. After a while, Franklin returned the book with a solemn expression of gratitude. A few days later when they met again in the council chamber, Franklin described it this way: “He actually took the initiative to greet me (never before), and later we talked, and he also expressed his willingness to serve me at any time.” From then on the two of them turned their enemies into friends and maintained a lifelong friendship. So later psychologists came to the conclusion that the best way to get people to like you is not to help them, but to let them help you. This is the origin of the famous “Franklin” effect.

3, a century later, another American president Abraham Lincoln was inspired by the “Franklin effect”. Once, Lincoln was ready to ask a political opponent to do a small favor. A congressman criticized: “Why do you try to make friends with political enemies? You should destroy them.” Instead, Lincoln replied gently, “Am I not destroying my enemies? Especially when we become friends.” By asking an enemy to do you a small favor, you can turn an enemy into a friend and a friend into a friend. Is this routine, really believable? Is it really feasible?

4, 1969, psychologists Joan Jack and David Randi decided to personally take the field to test the two hundred years of history of the “Franklin effect” in the 20th century has expired. So they arranged a knowledge contest in which all participants won a small fortune. After the contest, a researcher said to one third of the participants: “He was using his own money to organize the contest, and now he has no money, can they please return the money to him. “A secretary said to another group of one-third of the participants: “This was a contest sponsored by the psychology laboratory, and now the laboratory is short of funds, can they please return the money. “After the experiment, all participants were asked to fill out a questionnaire to rate the researcher and the secretary separately. The results of the experiment proved that the researcher scored much higher than the secretary. The participants who were willing to return the money gave much higher scores than those who were not willing to return the money. In other words, the “Franklin Effect” test passed and still retains its quality.

5, the great literary scholar Tolstoy also agreed with this effect: he wrote in the book “War and Peace”: “We do not love others because they are good to us, but love them because they are good to them.” And what Tolstoy meant by “good” was actually giving help. Because the timber merchant had already given the Jewish family a sum of money, he felt good enough to risk helping them. Because the customer has given the salesman a glass of water to help, so a good feeling, willing to accept sales. Because the political opponents had already given Franklin a set of books, they felt good and were willing to resolve their hatred. Because of this, participants in the knowledge contest were particularly fond of the researcher who paid out of his own pocket, rather than the secretary who spent the company’s money. In fact, more than that, this effect also involves another psychological phenomenon: when you have helped a person, even if you do not like the person much. Your brain will automatically adjust the cognition, telling you that the other person is a person worth helping, you are doing the right thing. In this way, you will psychologically form a “path dependence”. When the other person asks you for help again, you are more willing to help than the first time, and more like each other. Douglas North, a famous American economist, was awarded the Nobel Prize in Economics in 1993 for discovering this inertia theorem of human nature, which successfully explained the evolution of economic systems. But why is human nature the way it is?

6, to answer this question, we must first answer another question. That is: what is the fundamental reason why a person falls in love with another person? Is it because of the other person’s physical appearance? The other person’s character? The other person’s status? The other person’s fame? The other person’s wealth? None of them! Then why is it? We might as well listen to the French writer Exupery “The Little Prince” in a story: the little prince in a small planet life, one day the planet suddenly bloomed a delicate rose. The little prince had never seen such a beautiful flower, so he took care of it every day, and took good care of it. He felt at the time that this was the only rose in the world universe, more beautiful than all the flowers. Then one day he came to Earth and found that there were 5,000 almost identical roses in just one garden. At that moment he finally knew that what he had was just an ordinary flower. This discovery made the little prince very sad. But despite this, for some reason, he couldn’t let go of his one rose in his heart. Until one day a little fox said to him, “It is because of the time and effort you have spent on your rose that you have made it beautiful.” It dawned on the little prince and he finally understood: although there were countless roses in the world, the one on his planet was still unique. Because he had watered her, protected her, talked with her, and was silent with her …… so she was his unique rose.

7. In the same way, we have as many human beings on earth as the sky is full of stars and more than the sands of the Ganges. Ask: Which one of us is not an ordinary member of the millions of human beings? Which one of us is not an ordinary rose among millions of roses? The reason why the rose in our hands is unique is not because of how dazzling the rose itself is, but because we have poured all our eyes on it. The reason why the love of our heart is a smile is not because how charming the other person itself is, but because we have given all our feelings in the other person.

8, why can not get the party is always stirring, the other side of the spoiled is always emboldened? Because the former continues to give, and the latter almost nothing. Why parents are always stirring, children have been emboldened? Because the parents keep on giving and the children hardly ever do. Why are good children always stirring and bad children always emboldened? Because the bad kids take the trouble and consume more of the parents’ effort. The good child saves the parents the effort they would have given. Why is the mother’s love generally more than the father’s love? Because the mother carries the child in October, a lot of difficulties and risks, and gives more to the child than the father. The same effect applies to the workplace, friendship or other areas. The so-called “crying children have milk to eat”, “people are trouble out of the network”, etc., is this effect of the golden rule of childbirth. Therefore, we love someone because of giving. Without giving, there can be no love. So strictly speaking, there is no love at first sight in this world.

9, if a man tells you he fell in love with a girl in a few seconds. You only need to ask him: “Within those few seconds, you are willing to die for that girl? “He is definitely not willing, just as we are not willing to die for the star we like. Because it’s impossible to love someone for a few seconds. Of course, the same is true for women.

10. So how did he fall in love with the girl? The situation is as follows: after he met, he thought about her, tea and food, all the time, even in his dreams. So his thoughts may be up to 16 hours a day, except for sleeping. While another man who also has a good feeling for this girl, the daily thoughts may be just 1 hour. Let’s assume that it takes 160 hours of thoughts to fall in love with someone: then the former takes only 10 days, while the latter takes 160 days. This is the truth of love at first sight. The “clock” originally represents time, the so-called love at first sight: refers to the two people in the first meeting to stimulate hormonal secretion, mutual affection, but also need time to develop love. Within a certain period of time: if both parties give, love will be birthed. If only one partner gives, only unrequited love will be born. If both parties do not give, at most, friendship will be born. So, if there is not enough to give, not to mention a few seconds, even if you know each other for a century you are unlikely to fall in love with a person.

11, thinking about, is a person’s emotional pay. Of course pay also includes many kinds: time, money, company, energy and so on. But in the final analysis, all the pay will be subtle with time, and eventually become emotional pay. Because that time of giving, has quietly formed a good memory, into your blood, transformed into part of your life. Once upon a time, a daughter asked her father how to make the boy she liked like her. The father replied, “Let him buy you an ice cream.” The daughter asked again, “And then what?” The father replied, “Let him buy another one.” Of course, what is said here is only the methodology, specific situations have to be treated specifically, different people need to use different techniques, do not be rigid. All in all, the ultimate method is one sentence: you give, but also to lead each other to give for you. The father is a master of human nature and understands the “Franklin Effect”. The boy’s act of buying ice cream, seemingly simple, is undoubtedly a subtle way of giving. He will think: What kind of ice cream does the girl like to eat? Strawberry or milk? Big or small? This family or another? In effect, the boy is giving his time, money, and energy to the girl. Gradually, the boy would ask himself, “Why should I buy her ice cream? Because she is cute, understanding, sweet laugh, etc., even if the girl seems useless to outsiders, we can also be assured. In any case, the boy will find enough hundred reasons to convince himself. Perhaps you will ask: Why is the boy so stupid? In fact, not only the boy, human nature itself is so stupid.

12, yes, this involves another effect of psychology called: “cognitive dissonance”. Simply put: when people find that the objective reality and their own cognitive inconsistency, will produce a feeling of incongruity and discomfort. This was first suggested by American social psychologist Leon Festinger in 1956 in his book “When Prophecy Fails”. For he found that members of those so-called doomsday cultists had an uncanny adherence to faith. Even if the prophecies of their masters about the end of the earth failed, they would not think that the masters were deceiving. But, after all, this “failure to anticipate” has triggered their cognitive dissonance, so what to do? Expect them to learn from their mistakes and turn around? Publicly admit their stupidity? Don’t be ridiculous. Admitting to a mistake is such an anti-human thing that not many people in the world have been able to do since the beginning of time. For the record, “admit your mistakes” here means that you believe from your heart that your thinking is wrong, not the kind of face-saving that you can barely put on. So basically, the way for all believers to solve this cognitive dissonance is not to admit their mistakes, but to accept a new prophecy: that aliens have spared the planet because of their devout faith.

13. Now, let’s restore the scenario: the boy first walked into the trap of “Franklin effect”, then fell into the inertia of “path dependence”, then stepped into the trap of “cognitive dissonance “trap, and finally there is a “sunk cost” to his eyes, you think he can easily give up the woman for whom he buys ice cream every day? Almost impossible! Unless there is an unforeseen and unusual situation. On the contrary, the boy will gradually feel that this girl is extraordinary and different because of his contribution. The girl’s love for her will be unconscious. Love, in fact, is so simple.

14, the so-called love, is the sum of what you give to a person.