Frequent quarrels, blaming each other, uttering bad words, refusing to communicate… When your marriage encounters setbacks or crises, how do you deal with it? Do you choose to divorce and live a new life with another person; or deal with it negatively, without communicating or contacting, and go your own way; Broken marital relationship.
You will find that those long-term marriages are not without quarrels, conflicts, conflicts and crises, but know how to repair relationships and know how to work together to deal with pressure, conflicts and difficulties.
1. Relationship crisis is the norm in marriage
China’s first psychological experiment documentary “Happiness Laboratory”, invited a pair of amateur guests. The couple have been in love for 5 years and married for 1.5 years. A few years ago, the wife’s parents owed a huge debt. In order to help her parents pay off their debts, the wife worked multiple jobs part-time. I get up at 4 o’clock in the morning to work, drive home at 11:30 in the evening, and get up at 4 o’clock the next day, repeating itself. Everyday life is filled with work.
The bowls used by the two have been placed in the sink without anyone washing them. From the wife’s point of view, the husband does not need to help her repay her parents’ debts, but at least he should give her some support in life; but the husband believes that washing dishes is not something a man should do. Although he does not need to participate in repaying debts, the wife The situation brought him a lot of pressure. Those unwashed dishes are like two people’s silent resistance, expressing their complaints and dissatisfaction with each other.
And when complaints and dissatisfaction accumulate to a certain extent, quarrels inevitably occur. In fact, it was not the few bowls that really defeated the wife, but the disappointment with her husband.
Physical fatigue further brings about the disappearance of communication. Intense quarrels happen every day. Both of them wished they could rush out and get divorced immediately. But in the end, the relationship between husband and wife was miraculously restored.
Everyone may have experienced such moments in marriage: day after day of accusations, complaints and quarrels; wanting to draw a line, want to run away from home, want to beat each other up, want to divorce… This is the essence of marriage
Instead of “begging” for your marriage to be smooth sailing and without waves, it is better to think in advance: Can we get through the coming difficulties together. If you can’t pass it, it will fall apart; but if you pass it, the relationship will become stronger.
2. A partner is not an enemy, but the difficulties we face together are
”Under heavy pressure, it is easy for people to forget that your partner is not your enemy, but the difficulties you face together are.” In the psychological observation room, psychological counselor Chen Haixian said this.
why would you say so?
First of all, a person’s energy is limited. When we spend our main energy on external setbacks or pressures, we don’t have enough energy to manage intimacy. The other party can’t take care of your feelings, and doesn’t have the energy to listen to your thoughts, let alone cultivate a relationship together. The more critical reason is that external pressure and setbacks will cause us to have various negative emotions, such as anxiety, anger, sadness, collapse, etc., and then vent these negative emotions unconsciously on our partners. Slowly, the marriage turned into a smoke field, full of accusations and attacks. The more times, the relationship between the two becomes precarious.
Going back to the couple above, when facing family financial pressure, the wife and husband also had numerous quarrels. But let’s see how they did it.
The husband asked his wife: “What should I do to calm you down?” The wife’s answer was: “Hug me.” Will a hug really calm you down? It doesn’t. But you will train yourself. When he hugs you for the tenth time, you’ll thank him for remembering your request. When he hugs you for the 20th time, you need to thank him even more.
The wife’s original family was not happy, and the parents were the type who exhausted their energy and quarreled with each other. Under such influence, her emotions can easily get out of control.
But as she herself said, “You will train yourself”, and you will try to change, make adjustments, and control your emotions, so as to save your relationship and repair your marriage relationship.
When a relationship is put to the test, no one wants to run away right away. And when two people go through the most difficult moments together, those pains, hardships and tribulations experienced together will become nutrients in marriage, and the relationship between husband and wife will also be sublimated.
3. All intimate relationships must be prepared to be comrades-in-arms
Family of origin is almost a topic that cannot be avoided when talking about marriage. So what exactly is its impact?
First, the family of origin shapes a pattern of emotional responses: how we respond to our loves and fears. At the same time, family of origin shapes our beliefs about intimacy and partnership. For example, is this intimate relationship reliable or dangerous? Will my partner betray me?
Compared with the unfortunate family of origin of the wife, the husband is just the opposite. Every time his father came in, there must be a cup of tea at the right temperature at home; when his mother was off work, she could also have meals at the right temperature. The volume at home will not exceed 40 decibels. After so many years of marriage, his parents have never blushed once.
On the other hand, my wife’s parents are always arguing. Every time she quarrels, she will feel that she is abandoned, and no one will pay attention to her emotions.
In the documentary “Happiness Laboratory”, the wife shared this passage: “If you are a flower in the valley, you go from flower bud to bloom, and no one passes you, then have you bloomed? I need someone to know It has bloomed, and I know that it may be the most fragrant on the first few days. When it drops the first petal, I feel very sad. When it returns to dust, it may be calm or struggling, but someone It is enough to have witnessed it.”
So the wife has always hoped to find someone who can always put her in his heart.
Fortunately, she met. Her husband is such a person.
He gave his wife the healing, acceptance and warmth he learned in his native family.
But even so, the uneasiness, confusion, and anxiety brought to the wife by the original family will still be reflected in their marriage from time to time.
Fortunately, both of them are ready to be comrades in arms. They can work together to cope with external pressures and tests, and overcome the negative influence of their native families.
This process of transcending the original family is the process of replacing the old experience with new experience in the relationship.
During this process, the wife put away her temper, and the husband also chose to give in. The two use each other’s love to repair the psychological trauma caused by the original family. In the process of adapting to the relationship, we will continue to gain new experiences and grow into a new self.
In fact, the couple has made a lot of efforts, including love exercises, including fighting against the negative influence of the original family, and finally reflects the “marriage restoration power”. It means that when faced with conflict or contradiction, two people can face up to the existing problems and are willing to change to solve the problem.
Marriage, sometimes or most of the time, is fragile. Trivial life, cumbersome housework, and the collapse of parenting can all easily lead to the breakdown of the marriage relationship. But on the other hand, marriages can also become indestructible, provided that they have the ability to repair intimacy.
So, how can we become capable of repairing marital relationships? Before answering this question, I would like to ask three questions first:
A. Is the other party committing a principled or non-principled problem?
If it is a matter of principle, such as cheating, domestic violence, etc., and you have never been able to forgive, or have been suffering from harm. There is little point in repairing such a relationship. Let go and give yourself a chance to start over.
If it is a non-principle issue, it is only temporarily in a trough and predicament. You might as well give each other some time to deal with the pressure and tribulations of the outside world together.
B. Is this relationship worth “repairing”? Is the other party the right person? In marriage, do you feel more happiness or more pain?
If a relationship always makes you feel wronged, oppressed, and tormented, it means that the relationship itself is a mistake, and it is not worth repairing.
C. Is your marriage paying unilaterally, or are both of you paying?
A good marriage relationship must be a two-way flow of emotions, a benign emotional feedback, rather than unilateral demands and sacrifices. The marriage of two people cannot be supported by only one person’s hard work to maintain and repair.
After answering the above questions, let’s talk about how to have the ability to repair the marriage relationship.
Empathy, in fact, can solve most problems. When you stand in the perspective of the other party and experience what he has experienced, you will understand why he did this, and you will be more considerate and tolerant.
Sometimes, a lot of quarrels are just the release of anxiety and collapsed emotions that have nowhere to rest in the heart. Instead of “fighting” head-to-head, it is better to explore why the other party said that.
If what you say or do pushes your relationship further and further away, then don’t do it, because that’s not what you want. This sentence sounds easy, but many people forget it once they get angry. Your purpose is to keep the marriage going, and you don’t want to lose the person in front of you. Using the “Purpose Reversal Method” can help us calm down when conflicts occur, so as not to say too hurtful words or do too outrageous things.
Talk about feelings first, then solve problems
It’s okay to talk openly and honestly with the other person about your feelings, including your grievances and points of anger. After talking about your feelings, discuss with the other party how to better solve the current crisis.
Both of them showed the determination to share weal and woe, negotiated a solution acceptable to both parties, and then worked together to solve the problem.
As mentioned earlier, encountering a crisis is actually the norm in marriage. All intimate relationships should be prepared in advance.
It’s not your problem, it’s a sign of progress in your marriage.
There is no perfect lover in this world. It is love and tolerance that make us right.
There is no absolutely perfect marriage in this world. A marriage with the ability to repair is a good marriage.